So the Black Eyed Peas covered "Sweet Child O Mine" at the Super Bowl last night, with Slash helping out on guitar. First of all, FUCK YOU SLASH. You just spent the last bit of goodwill you earned from NOT being Axl. Secondly, the journey to our eventual self-extinction has begun.

Let's face it. We all know that, thanks to pollution and war and overpopulation, we will eventually end up destroying our species. But the video linked here represents the exact moment the doomsday clock was activated. We aren't going to advance any further now. We aren't going to invent nanobots or flying cars or hang out with aliens. There won't be world peace. We aren't going to invent clean energy. That isn't going to happen now. What's going to happen is that everything will get worse and then we will all die. The world will commit suicide. AND FERGIE IS TO BLAME.


There is so much awfulness packed into so few minutes here. The density of it is impossible to comprehend. It's like a neutron star of suck. Fergie can't sing. What's worse, she's trying to sing like Axl and failing miserably. Hearing her try to sing this song live is even worse than Axl himself trying to sing it live. And she's wearing Lite Brite shoulder pads, which was undoubtedly suggested to her by "Glee" creator" Ryan Murphy in a brazen attempt to turn all football fans gay. And she's wearing acrylic nails on loan from her local Key Food cashier. And Slash is wearing a sparkly top hat and skinny jeans and Hitler boots. And there are paid drones on the field jumping up and down like fucking idiots because they were paid four bucks and a box of Barnum's Animals to do so.

I hate that we allowed something like this to happen. I really do. I know that Fergie has covered this song before with Slash (along with "Paradise City," which is WRONG), but never before have they been allowed to rape my adolescence on such a massive scale. I feel like this is the end of human ideas. We've had all the good ideas we're ever gonna have, and now all that's left is to wait for the end, watch multiple reboots of "Spiderman," and listen as Fergie warbles on like a dying toucan and a bunch of idiots in light suits try and recreate the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies. This is what we've come to, Earth. Are you happy about this? Because I am not. I'm going to go to the store and buy bread and milk and hope that civilization ends before someone lets this horrible, abominable, disgusting musical group do a cover of "99 Luftballoons".