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Here Are Some Potential Locations For FIFA's New Headquarters

Photo: Elsa (Getty)

According to a report from the New York Times, soccer federation and bribe repository FIFA is considering moving away from its longtime headquarters in Switzerland and setting up shop elsewhere. The Times speculates that potential host countries could potentially engage in an Amazon-style competition of who can most thoroughly debase themselves for the rights to host Gianni “John Baby” Infantino and the rest of FIFA.

The organization is reportedly thinking about returning to Paris, but that’s a dull choice. The new headquarters should properly represent the ethos of FIFA. Here are some suggestions:

  • Great Pacific Garbage Patch
  • In the part of the ocean under the Great Pacific Garbage Patch
  • At the bottom of the ocean
  • On a freewheeling, lawless pirate ship that will never dock anywhere but always be full of debauchery and grog
  • Mackinac Island
  • In the faulty toilet on the 28th floor of the Manhattan building that houses the G/O Media offices
  • Sacramento
  • The 2002-era Sacramento featured in Greta Gerwig’s Golden Globe-winning, coming-of-age drama Lady Bird
  • That Italian monastery where Steve Bannon tried to set up a white power academy, before he was evicted
  • Antarctica
  • The moon
  • Hell
  • The Wing
  • A WeWork in Cincinnati
  • Anywhere in Arkansas
  • The Fyre Fest island
  • The inside of a big novelty soccer ball, I’m talking about a soccer ball that’s at least five stories high and five stories wide
  • The Oakland Coliseum once the A’s leave, but after a sewage backup
  • A mountain-side cave entrance that has piles and piles of gold inside, but actually when FIFA hops in the air, whirs its legs, and sprints into it, it smacks its face into the side of a huge boulder, because surprise, the entrance was just a painting
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