Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Over the years, ESPN has used the second game of the annual Week 1 Monday Night Football doubleheader as a kind of test kitchen, to see just how much bullshit American sports fans can tolerate. We've been subjected to Mike Greenberg, Mike Golic, and Mike Ditka, all at once. Twice. And now, as the cherry on the shit sundae, you get Chris Berman whoopie-farting all over the Chargers/Raiders game ...

In the podcast above, Berman discusses this unique and unexpected opportunity

Holy shit, I'd rather have a razor blade jammed into my asshole than listen to that. Berman is intolerable even as studio host, even when he's on the mere fringes of a sporting event. Every time Tirico throws to Berman for a halftime preview during MNF, I tear both labrums reaching for the mute button. Now he's gonna throw his gunt around and commandeer the booth for a whole game? Christ, that's the worst.


Remember: U.S. Open Berman is an UNDERSTATED Berman. But working an NFL game, Berman will consider himself on his home turf. He'll feel no need to be modest at all. He'll grab the spotlight and swallow it whole, along with an entire bottle of hydrocodone. Berman truly believes he's an NFL institution, and that means you're going to spend the whole evening being reminded of it. He's gonna make it painfully aware to you that he's doing a game for the very first time, at long last. He's gonna say THEHHHHHH RAYDEEZZZZZZ 900 times. He's gonna suck harder than Leather did. Fuck you, ESPN. You're heartless.

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