Hey, it’s Election Day! You should go vote. Unless you forgot to register, in which case it’s probably too late, in which case you are utterly powerless to control the country’s destiny, in which case we may all burn forever as a result of your negligence, in which case you should hide when we come looking for you. PROUD DAY TO BE AN AMERICAN, FOLKS!
Your letters:
Canaan:
Being a Cubs fan, I bought some new championship gear this past week which got me wondering, how long can you wear your teams championship gear before it has been too long? Can you wear team championship gear even 20 years later? 10 years? Or just until a new champion is crowned?
Official championship gear is expensive, so if you really busted the budget for that Cubs warmup jacket with silk-screened autographs from every player on it, you should wear it 24/7 from now until Opening Day. Have sex with it still on. Sleep in it. I know I would wear it all the time. I would strut down the avenue in my title swag and treat every day like a victory parade. HOW’S IT GOING, FOLKS?! GREAT DAY TO BE GREAT!
In theory, you’re free to wear that shit as you see fit. HOWEVER, I’ve seen enough Steelers fans walking around in SIXBURGH t-shirts to know that there are limits. Not only is most championship gear hideous, but it grows stale the further away you get from victory, with little retro value after the fact. Worse still, the fibers will infect your blood and turn you into a fat, arrogant, deluded asshole who screams COUNT THE RINGS any time you get into an otherwise friendly bar argument. You don’t want that happening to you, so here is what I suggest you do:
1. Wear the hell out of the gear until next season.
2. Once the season starts, put it away. Can’t rest on your laurels, gentlemen.
3. Bust the gear out only for special future occasions, like the NEXT Game 7. It’s like a coach taking out his Super Bowl ring to show his men just before some important matchup. “Men, I rarely do this…”
4. When the time is right, frame it and hang it in the basement, preferably behind some kind of pirate-themed bar
Got it? There comes a time when you have to transition the piece from clothing to artifact, and then treat it as such. Or just use it as workout clothing. That works too.
Jerkface McGee:
How long are you allowed to keep a political bumper sticker on your car? Do the rules differ for primary vs. general election candidates? (The first to drop out in a field of 15 should be forgotten swiftly and mercilessly, right?) How about winning vs. losing the election? How about Congress vs. the Presidency? (A Congressional representative can conceivably be re-elected every 2 years for a few decades, so a bumper sticker is arguably relevant to their perpetual campaign regardless of when you see it. But the same sure isn’t true of the Romney/Ryan ticket.) And finally, is there a grandfather clause where you can keep your sticker forever if it’s old enough? (If I saw a car with a Dole/Kemp sticker, I would be honestly pretty impressed.)
I don’t think you have much of a choice either way. Bumper stickers are often cheap (made in China… oh the irony!), and shoddy adhesives tend to stick to your paint job forever. There are numerous online tutorials out there detailing how to remove them, but they aren’t foolproof. So you better be really into the Kucinich 2020 effort if you’re gonna make that kind of commitment. Because you’re stick with that bumper sticker for as long as you own your car.
And frankly, you deserve it. No backsies on your VOTE YES ON PROP 69 sticker. Your car should be permanently branded with your questionable political choices if you put it on there. You made your choice, and now you have to live with it. I don’t trust anyone with any political bumper sticker, regardless of party affiliation. Given the existence of car magnets and window clings, anyone who rocks a bumper sticker is a person of limited intellectual means. I stay two lanes over from them at all times, because there’s a good chance they are fingerpainting while driving.
The only political swag worth keeping, by the way, are old school campaign buttons. I saw a bunch of retro campaign buttons (I LIKE IKE, etc.; not the racist stuff) when I was in Cleveland, and they were cool as shit. Made me feel like I was in Hill Valley during Goldie Wilson’s re-election campaign.
Michael:
So after the Cubs won the World Series, celebrity fan Bill Murray wound up in the Cubs locker room, celebrated with the team, and even commandeered a camera and microphone to do some reporting. What other celebrities do you think have that kind of juice to be able to pull that off? He has to be famous enough that everyone (team, stadium security, network and viewers at home) know who he is. More importantly, he has to be beloved enough that nobody would object to him being there.
I think the key is that the celebrity has to be publicly affiliated with that team. Bill Murray is both famous AND a huge Cubs fan, so he and the team are inextricably linked, which makes it easier for him to show up out of nowhere like a goddamn wizard and do as he pleases, as evidenced by this tweet:
I’m sure other famous superfans could do likewise—Matt Damon and the Red Sox, Larry King and the Dodgers, Jack Nicholson and the Lakers, etc. Bill Murray is Bill Murray, but it would be a little weird if he tried to do the same thing in, like, the Pelicans locker room. They might let him in, and everyone would be like BILL MURRAY!, but then they would whisper to each other, “What the hell is Bill Murray doing here?”
So I don’t know if there are a lot of celebrities with enough juice to have an honorary skeleton key to EVERY locker room on Earth. My guess is that the list would include the President, the Pope, Beyonce, Matthew McConaughey (he really does show up everywhere), Drake (ditto), Oprah, Michael Jordan, Usain Bolt, Snoop Dogg, Kim Kardashian, and pretty much any supermodel-attractive woman. Very exclusive list.
Bryan:
What would have to occur for a major sports championship game to go unfinished? If the Cubs/Indians game seven had lasted five days like a Cricket match, would they just abandon the game and call it a tie? What if a pack of rabid dogs attacked and infected 75% of the players on the field?
More the latter. Something truly tragic would have to happen, and in that locale. A plane would have to crash into the field, or there’d have to be a zombie outbreak in the stands that spilled out onto the field and left all the players undead, and hungry for ample amounts of umpire and cameraman flesh, or something terrible like that. It would have to be something so awful, and so hideous, that finishing the game (even at a later date) would be considered obscene. Like if a nuke had hit Cleveland during Game 7, I think the commish could have called that game a tie. It would have been the most fitting end to that game, really.
By the way, if they had postponed that game once the tarp went on after the ninth, I would have broken everything in the house. Spiritually speaking, you can never just “continue” a game if you carry it over to the next day. The spell is broken. It would have been one of the biggest letdowns in sports history, which is why whoever wins today’s election should make rain illegal.
Noah:
So, how long until one of these college players hates Goodell enough to snub him on the handshake at the draft? And what happens? Is that player suspended indefinitely?
I doubt it ever happens. In big moments, people tend to err on the side of courtesy. So even if Deshaun Watson got all fired up to snub Goodell prior to the draft, that would all change the moment his name was called, and the klieg lights were in his face, preparing for the biggest moment of his career. And it wouldn’t be chickenshit to abandon such plans. It’s just one of those moments where people are instinctively civil because they have to look one another in the eye. That little bit of common courtesy is pretty much the only thing keeping us from nuclear annihilation.
By the way, if a player DID snub Goodell, he wouldn’t be suspended right away. No, no. The Ginger Hammer would bide his time. He would play off the insult as no big deal. And then, the first time that guy gets busted for weed? EIGHT YEARS IN THE PEN. That’s how Goodell rolls.
Taylor:
I’m sure there is some rule I don’t know about or some reason that I haven’t thought of yet, but why don’t football teams use clear plastic helmets or helmets with clear sections to aid in peripheral vision? You’d think that would make a huge difference in pocket awareness and overall field vision. You could leave the padding and really everything else that’s part of the helmet without compromising safety (I assume). And then Drew Brees would be less likely to get his spine sent through his sternum on a blindside hit. It can’t be just aesthetics that’s stopping this from happening.
It wouldn’t make a huge difference. Your peripheral vision is just fine with a football helmet on. Go try one and see for yourself. There might be a stray face mask bar way to the side, but unless your name is Ryan Tannehill, you’re still going to notice that huge defender flying in from the edge. Even if the shell is clear, the interior is mostly lined with opaque padding anyway. You wouldn’t magically have eagle vision.
The only reason to use clear helmets is for aesthetic reasons. Frankly, I’m shocked a college hasn’t tried this yet. They’ve already used matte helmets and chrome helmets. There’s gotta be a next big trend in college helmet surfacing. I bet Nike is already tinkering with the idea. It would be like one of the clear iMacs! Remember those? With the “She’s A Rainbow” ad? Oh man, people went NUTS for those things. “OMG I can see the circuits!” A clear helmet would magically transport us all back to 1998. Wouldn’t that be great? The only worry we had back then was Puff Daddy ruining other people’s songs. HEADY DAYS, FOLKS.
But you’ll never see clear helmets, because football officials don’t want you to witness concussions happening in real time. People would be like, “Hey, why are both his ears bleeding?” and then it would be back to jet black shells the following week. Also, the NFL still has that weird rule about teams having to use the same shell color all season long. God forbid they live a little.
John:
Do you think you’re more athletic than the least athletic person ever to play a major sport?
Nope. Even if we use John Daly for comparison, you and I fall short. John Daly is fat and out of shape and has cigar ashes running through his bloodstream at all times. But he can still tee up and drive the ball 275, which makes him more “athletic” than the rest of us. Same with any fat pitcher or washed-up kicker or Shawn Bradley. All better athletes.
HALFTIME!
Ross:
I work in an open-office environment (which sucks), and there are at least three people who still insist on using a ringtone on their phone. Why is beyond me. Especially when most vibrate settings are strong enough to sand a table. Are there any acceptable scenarios to still use a ringtone in this day in age?
I have one only because I enjoy wearing loose clothing (flattering!), and I have missed a handful calls that were on vibrate because my billowing lounge pants were too loose for me to feel them. But that’s a horseshit excuse. I shouldn’t use a ringtone, and neither should anyone else. Ringtones are ALWAYS set too loud, loud enough to send a murder of crows into a frenzy nine miles away. They’re jarring, invasive, and actively pollute any otherwise quiet space. You’re disturbing other people just because you’re so paranoid about missing a call that you set that CHIMES ringtone loud enough to wake a dead bear. It’s not right.
Also, like Ross said, if you place a phone on a hard surface, the Vibrate setting makes the phone rattle like fucking crazy. You’re not missing that call. Why do you even WANT that call anyway? We have texting and chatting and numerous other functions that allow you to communicate without holding a goddamn phone up to your ear. Whenever my phone rings now, I become visibly angry. OH WHO THE FUCK IS CALLING NOW? I’M TRYING TO SHIT HERE. I’ll cut you a deal: I’ll turn off my ringtone if the rest of you do likewise. No more ringtones.
Jon:
What do you think Trump would do if he needed to buy something at CVS and there were five people in line? Let’s assume that he has to buy it himself - he needs something immediately while he’s walking alone, so he can’t send a lackey to do it. How would he act? My best guess is that he would cut to the front of the line without acknowledging anyone else’s presence.
Oh, he doesn’t bother with the line or the clerk at all. He just walks right out the door with whatever he wants. He’s that much of an asshole.
The thing that kills me about this election, and always will, is that Trump exists in a world far beyond standard assholedom, beyond any notion of standard etiquette. If you were at a bar, and you saw someone acting the way Trump normally acts—bragging, openly insulting people, skipping out on tabs—you would almost certainly be like, “Jesus, fuck that guy.” I swear I’m not being naïve when I say most Americans do not act like that man. He’s not normal. He was born an asshole to an asshole dad, and no one ever stopped him from being an asshole, to the point where he is brain-damaged and has no perception as to what does and does not constitute asshole behavior. He’s like a science experiment gone wrong. So no, he’s not paying cash for Sour Patch Kids.
Chris:
2016 had maybe the most insane championships for a single year ever. Who had the most improbable finish? Villanova with the buzzer beater? LeBron coming back down 1-3 to beat the team with the best regular season record ever? Cubs winning after down 1-3 to lift the curse?
I can rank these with scientific precision, using advanced head maths. Are you ready? Here are how the finishes rank in order of insanity:
1. LeBron. Like Chris said, he was down 3-1 to the best team. There were also long stretches during last season’s playoffs where Kevin Love was useless and Kyrie Irving treated passing like a severe nut allergy. I don’t think I’ll ever see anything like that comeback again in pro basketball.
2. Villanova. Every time I watch this shot, I start jumping up and down. This was a 2-seed playing a 1-seed, so it was bound to be close, but still: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I was asleep when this happened and I will never ever forgive myself for it. When Villanova makes a title game, you stay up.
3. Cubs. It’s not really fair to put this last, but they had the best team all season long and, as Ley said here, they were built to prevail over a shorthanded Cleveland team, even down by that much (I also think going on the road for the final two games helped that team immensely, because they didn’t have to clinch in front of a bunch of nervous-ass Chicagoans terrified of having their $6,000 tickets go to waste). Game 7 was completely insane, but it still ended with the favored team ultimately prevailing.
Adam:
Let’s pretend the Bills dildo incident happened during an important playoff drive where the ball carrier dove for the end zone near the sideline. It’s unclear whether he crossed the plane, and it’s going to video review. Is the broadcast showing us 10 different zoomed in angles of Danny Amendola diving over a dildo? Does Joe Buck acknowledge the dildo’s presence? Or do they elect to not show any replays of a game-changing moment with Super Bowl implications?
They can blur it! They have the software to blur out obscene t-shirts in the stands and BEWBS and things of that nature. So someone in the control booth would get a blur on that dildo within seconds. That’s the miracle, and the curse, of modern technology.
The real question is: what if the dildo actively interfered in the play? What if it hit a pass in midair? Or what if it tripped up a returner on his way to a touchdown? What if refs missed Richard Sherman roughing the dildo, or awarded the Seahawks a last-second touchdown in the Super Bowl because of dildo interference? That would instantly become the most notorious sex toy in football history, even more notorious than Fred Smoot’s double dong! Sales of that dildo would skyrocket! Ratings would turn around! THAT DILDO WOULD SAVE THE NFL AS WE KNOW IT. I’m rooting for that dildo come January. We need a hard-scrapping dildo to save the league from itself.
Daniel:
My friends were recently discussing favorite kinds of chips. Cool Ranch Doritos, BBQ Ruffles, Jalapeno Lays, etc. all were popular choices. My favorite kind of chip is just plain Tostitos, no salsa or dip of any kind. I just eat them right out of the bag. I was too embarrassed to say anything. Am I a monster?
No that’s all right. I think we’ve all had that moment where you’re out of salsa or just too lazy to dip again because the jar is running low, so you eat Tostitos bareback instead. They’re good on their own! You should go Full Snob and be like, “A properly made tortilla chip shouldn’t NEED salsa.” People would shoot you dead within five minutes. It would be cool.
I say all this even though plain potato chips bore me to death. Anytime I see a bowl of plain-ass potato chips (with no dip!) at a party, I’m at a loss. I’ll still binge-eat them but I won’t be HAPPY about it. Why didn’t they go for barbecue or sour cream & onion? What kinda vanilla horseshit is this? I want flavor dust, and I want it NOW.
Sam:
So Belichick is great and all, no one’s doubting that. He’s been winning in New England so long it seems less impressive, he needs a new test to be undisputed champion of footbaw. I will call him the best ever if he can go to Detroit, Buffalo, or D.C and win a title or two. Could Belichick win it all in two seasons or less on any of these teams or similar caliber team?
I don’t like the “You gotta win it with more than one team” strain of hot take. If you win a lot, you win a lot. You don’t get extra credit for pulling a Larry Brown and coaching in 97 different places, including the Mexican Sea League. I despise the Patriots, but anyone who tells me that Belichick needs to win it all in San Diego to cement his legacy or whatever can go jump into a turd mine. Winning any title anywhere is hard, and there are inherent difficulties to that whether you stay in one place (getting tuned out by players, having your methods become stale) or go somewhere new (hiring new people, adjusting to the culture shock). Great coaches are great, no matter where they coach, and no matter how many fawning Donald Trump letters they write (or how many Trump writes on their behalf without their consent).
I’ve seen enough of Belichick to know that a) He is Satan, b) He’s the best coach in NFL history, and c) If he went somewhere else, he would win. He may not win it all right away, but he’d win enough for people to be like, “I can’t believe he made the playoffs using his kicker at quarterback and his tight end at kicker.” But I don’t NEED him to do that just so I can tick off some dipshit Hall of Fame criteria checklist in my brain.
Peter:
Best names to PLAY FLEX in a fantasy dog/people name league, ranked:
1. Cody
2. Spike
3. Rocky
4. Fozzy
5. Buddy
I can’t ride with Cody on there. Fuck Cody. Cody is the backup quarterback. Take out Cody and replace it with Shep. Then toss Buzz in there somewhere and you’ve got yourself either a bunch of good dogs or Seal Team Six.
Phil:
On a recent beach trip, I discovered my new favorite thing to do at the beach: piss myself. I was about six beers deep and had to go pretty bad. I started strolling toward the ocean and it hit me...why do I have to be emerged in the water before I start peeing? There was a surprising thrill to letting it loose while I was still dry. I released right when the sand was wet, and it was that clearish, odorless pee you get after drinking for a while. I don’t know it was the warmness or the taboo, but I’ll never forget it.
You should only do that if your bathing suit is already wet. If your suit is bone dry, and there’s ANY risk of people seeing a huge wet spot on your peener, it’s not worth it. I understand the FORBIDDEN DESIRE to feel a stream of warm urine running down your leg. Why, it’s like being a child all over again. But instead, take a dip in the surf, pop back out, walk along the shoreline, and wet yourself normally. That way you get all the joy of pissing yourself with none of the angst. It blends right into the ocean water. The perfect crime! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
AJ:
Is it some evil trick on my tastebuds that baby Deistin cream looks EXACTLY like toaster strudel frosting on my fingers?
Don’t do it! It’s poison! BIG ZINC OXIDE is trying to bring you down!
Email of the week!
Benjamin:
Last year was our first year participating in a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) program. We get a big box of veggies every week filled with some really great and some kinda weird vegetables. Last year was apparently the year of the beet. It was a dang bumber crop. We must have gotten on average, like, 10 beets a week. Nobody wants that many beets. Anyway, we let them accumulate for a while and then had nothing but beets for lunch and dinner for 3 days in a row. When I finally got around to pooping, I was horrified to find what I thought was a bloody damn mess in the toilet. I finished my business, looked worriedly into the toilet, and panicked about which of my stupid organs was trying to kill me this time (appendix tried and failed to kill me on Christmas a few years ago). I didn’t tell my wife because she would have made me go to the doctor. So I carried the burden of knowing I was going to die of unknown rectal hemorrhaging for about a day until I was eating my lunch at work the next day, more goddamn beets, and it clicked! My poop was stained red by the incredible amount of beets I was eating, not colon cancer or some rare anal parasite. As soon as I stopped eating beets, the troubling poop color faded.
Beets are the worst.