Brett:

I was with my girlfriend walking her dog in downtown St. Paul, Minn., and a guy and his two young children (ages four and five by my estimation) were walking up the street towards us. As they come up, the father is loudly telling his son to “shut the fuck up.” What am I obligated to do? Should I say anything? Will it do any good? I feel like an asshole not doing anything, but what should any person do?

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You can’t do anything other than maybe audibly wince or shoot the guy a dirty look. I mean, if he’s willing to say that to his own child, he’s probably capable of fucking you up badly. No sense in BOTH of you getting an ass-kicking from that Adrian Peterson fanboy.

I yell at my kids from time to time (because they won’t cut their nails), and I tend to forget what a horrible look it is to yell at your kids. When I see other parents do it, I feel shitty and uncomfortable. Even when my own wife loses her shit! When my wife loses her shit, I’m like, “Damn! I didn’t know she was capable of being that pissed.” Any time I see another parent lose it in public, I try to remind myself that I look that way when I yell at my kids as well. And then they go wiping poop on the carpet and I forget all that valuable learning.

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I swore at my kid once. She was misbehaving in the house and wouldn’t stop and being a terror in general and, at some point, I yelled out I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT and that froze her right in her tracks. Really threw her off her game. I think I may have put her off swearing forever. It may be my greatest victory. Anyway, don’t swear at your kids. Unless you REALLY have to.

Peter:

I went to Wrigley Field a couple years ago. This was back when they still had 14-foot long troughs that eight guys would line up and piss into so they could all watch the golden stream of urine funnel to a single drain in the center. Anyway, on this particular day, I saw a $20 bill stuck on the drain. I found that to be a relatively large sum of money to lose, and decided that if it was my $20, I would have fished it out and rinsed it off. I was not willing to grab this one, though, as I was concerned it was a prank. (I was a victim of the poo-dollar prank in college.) What is the smallest denomination of currency that is acceptable to reach into a pee bucket and fish out? (Your own dropped currency or otherwise.)

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I’d go piss-diving for $20. That’s 20 bucks! I could buy, like, a beer and a half at the ballpark with that money! Money found in piss is twice as sweet as money earned. I would just grab it and wash my hands vigorously. Shit, I’d do it for five bucks. Any paper currency, basically. Coins are trash, but I’m never passing up real cash. I bet 90 percent of all bills in circulation have urine stains on them anyway.

Dana:

Which NFL team do you believe is inherently more hateable at this point: New England or Washington? I would say Washington, but I may be biased as I am (in spite of myself) a ’Skins fan. They don’t deserve any success so long as Supreme Leader Danny is in charge, yet I am incapable of changing my allegiance, no matter how hard I try. Possibly related: I hate myself.

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It’s the Patriots, because they win. The team that wins stuff is ALWAYS more hateable, and that’s even if you factor in Dan Snyder being Dan Snyder. Thanks to all the losing, his tone-deaf despotism and the collective delusion of this fan base takes on the air of high comedy. It’s like watching a dog get tricked by its own shadow. I was listening to 980 here in D.C. after the Dolphins game, and host Kevin Sheehan was emphatic in saying that Kirk Cousins had an “above-average” game. These people have been manacled to a dungeon wall for so long now that they’ll talk themselves into anything. IF YOU SAW THAT ONE PICK HE THREW IT WAS OFF THE HANDS OF THE RECEIVER AND I BET HE WOULD HAVE THROWN THREE MORE TOUCHDOWNS IF NOT FOR THAT TRICK OF FATE…

By contrast, the Patriots win all the time, and their fans grow more pathetic and obnoxious by the day. For the time being, they’re the worst. Even if they start losing again, they’ll probably keep being the worst. Brady and Belichick will retire, and fucking Bill Simmons will be like THIS HURTS US MORE-AHHH BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW FACKIN’ GOOD WE HAD IT!

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Alex:

What would happen if every NFL team had to switch offense with defense with no warning, meaning every defensive player suddenly has to play offense and vice versa? Which team/players do the best, and would it still be worth watching?

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Hell yeah, that would be worth watching. Until all the linemen got flagged five times on every play. Then it would start to drag.

Anyway, if this ever happened (and I’m sure Belichick drills for such a scenario just in case), you’d have your o-linemen play d-line, your backs and tight ends playing LB, and your QB and wideouts playing in the secondary, right? That’s a bad defense. The quarterback would be a huge liability, like a pitcher batting. That defense would get killed by, say, the Seahawks defense running a triple-option offense all game long. As always, I love it any time a professional athlete is forced to play out of position. This should be the Pro Bowl.

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Parker:

I’ve been dating this girl for about four months, and it’s been great so far. She’s smart, funny, better-looking than what I thought I could attract, and I couldn’t be happier. There is one thing about her that really bothers me: She has the same first name as my sister. I thought that things would get less weird as we were together longer, but it’s still been awkward. Should I break up with this girl because of something that is not at all her fault, or should I try to just deal with it.

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Deal with it. She’s not your sister, right? You are not fucking your sister. And just because she has your sister’s name doesn’t mean you are deliberately dating her to fulfill some deranged subconscious desire to fuck your sister (unless you actually want to fuck your sister). This is a completely different person who brings their own style and personality to the name, imbuing it with its own connotations. You ought to be able to compartmentalize the two. Would you ever confuse Taylor Swift with Taylor Lautner? You would not. OR WOULD YOU?!

Besides, you can just use a pet name instead. Your sister may be Brandee (I assume her name is Brandee), but YOUR Brandee is Schnookums and will always be Schnookums. You don’t have to cry out BRANDEE in bed if it makes you feel awkward. Stick with the pet name, and you should be able to easily keep the two apart. I had a crush on someone once who shared the same name as a family member, but it didn’t matter, because a) I was able to readily discern which Brandee I wanted to sleep with and which one I did not, and b) The girl didn’t like me anyway. What a load. I suffered through an Oedipal crisis for NOTHING.

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Alex:

What if, tomorrow, Monica Lewinsky releases a new tell-all memoir where she reveals that not only did Hillary know of the affair with Bill, but that she also facilitated it and sometimes participated in Monica’s trysts with Bill? Like, the Clintons are huge swingers—that’s how they get off. What happens?

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Nothing. If Hillary Clinton has any advantage as a candidate, it’s that she’s been around for so long, and been involved in so much shady shit, that nothing new about her would faze anyone. If you told me Hillary personally ordered a homeless shelter burned to the ground (in Benghazi!), I’d be like, “Yep. Sounds about right” and then go about my day.

If you acquire enough scandal, you eventually become scandal-proof. It’s kind of brilliant. I can’t imagine any voter—even a voter who likes Hillary Clinton—hearing about a Clinton-family key party and being like, “I thought I KNEW this woman!” Everyone knows what they’re getting with the Clintons. They are forever huddled into their townhouse like the Underwoods, plotting to destroy us all. Hell, that’s probably why some people will vote for her. “Well, she’s Machivellian and pure evil, but dammit is she effective! SHE KNOWS THE GAME!”

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Besides, Trump would overshadow the scandal by saying something dumb the next day. “I have personally been involved in MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE THREESOMES, some of the most amazing threesomes in history.”

Alex:

In a given year, what is the average number of times someone ejaculates in a baseball stadium?

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Oh, like these two?

Image for article titled How To Deal With Your Neighbors
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Orgasming at a baseball game is a real challenge for fans, but it can be done. You just have to WANT it. You have to run out that orgasm. Anyway, if we’re we counting players and executives and stuff, then the number is pretty high. Because those people are all filthy animals with access to private luxury boxes and toilet stalls. I would say there are at least FOUR orgasms per game inside the confines of your local ballpark, half of which are part of a prank into the catcher’s mitt. That’s 10,000 ejaculations per year. Be sure to wash your hands.

Adam:

What’s the most satisfying part of the “getting out of work/dress clothes” routine? My top choice is taking off my socks, followed by undoing the tie and undoing the belt.

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If I’m in a suit, the tie goes first, because you can take off a tie in public. Feels good to throw off the shackles of THE MAN by whipping that tie off. But after that, it’s socks and shoes all the way. God, socks get so gross and clammy after a full day of use. It’s like walking in a thermos. Gotta get those socks off. Then the pants. Then the dress shirt. Once you’re down to a T-shirt and a bare dong, you are back to your truest self.

Email of the week!

Brian:

I’m recently married after living together for a couple years, and my wife’s pre-work morning routine happens before mine on most days. During the past couple months, she’s taken to packing me a lunch for work, which she leaves in the fridge, usually with some sort of nice note on the counter. I view this as a jackpot scenario. Not only am I saving time in the morning, but also eating healthier as a result. I’m very grateful for the gesture and know this may not (probably won’t) last forever.

The thing is, there are a few details about the stuff she packs that I don’t particularly like. Minor things, like using too much mustard on a sandwich or overdressing a salad. Sometimes I really want to get out of the office to grab a burrito or something, but feel guilty because she packed me a lunch already. Am I an asshole if I mention something? I know beggars can’t be choosers, but I never even asked her to start doing this! Can I say, “Please don’t pack me a lunch tomorrow. I really want an excuse to duck out of the office to get Chipotle”? What’s the proper, decent move without being a jerk or ruining the situation altogether?

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No, no. It’s fine. She didn’t know you didn’t like all that mustard. It’s FINE. Go ahead. Have that burrito. It’s fine. No, really. It is. She’s just glad you’re happy. YOU FUCKING MONSTER.


Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter@drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also order Drew’s book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.

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Art by Sam Woolley.