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I Should Coach The USMNT

Moises Castillo/AP Images

By now you know that U.S. Soccer has fired head coach Jurgen Klinnsman (immigrants losing their jobs already smdh) and will reportedly replace him with retread Bruce Arena, which is boring and lame. If people really want soccer to flourish here in the US, they need to stop trotting out these has-beens and losers and look for some fresh blood.

And by fresh blood, I mean me.

I should coach the USMNT. I have been an assistant coach at the youth level in the past (second graders), and I have some pretty solid ideas about how to beef up our roster and Make American Soccer Great (but not again, because it’s always sucked). Here now is my strategy for future world domination:

  1. Fire all the old players. Like that Michael Bradley guy. He’s fucking terrible. That young guy Pussylick is much better than him. More Pussylicks, fewer bald dudes.
  2. NBA players in goal. Maybe we can’t get LeBron, but I bet we can get some rangy fucker like Anthony Davis to moonlight on our behalf. I want length back there, and I will get it.
  3. Only players who score more than 1.0 goals per game allowed on the roster. If you can’t score a goal a game, you are not cut out for my team. Go play for some loser country like Belgium with your prissy foot-dancing. I am a results-oriented coach, and anyone who fails me can go chug sand. Goals are what will make Americans hard for soccer.
  4. More 10-0-0 formations. Is that right? Wait, that’s not right. I want more players at the front. So that’s a 0-0-10 formation, right? We are here to ATTACK. ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK. No sitting back like cowards. We will invade the pitch and take the oil. Soccer dorks always shit themselves over formation changes. OMG WE’RE USING A 4-4-2! Whatever. With me, you won’t get any surprises. Just hot missile kicks every three minutes, with The Unibrow handling the dirty work at the back.
  5. Pay off more foreigners to come here. What’s it cost to get Messi here? $200 million? I can raise that. Our economy is about to get blown to shit. It’s all funny money now, people. I’ll draw up the contract and by the time Messi is here, inflation will have run rampant and I’ll have secured a bargain and we’ll balls deep in bitchin’ bicycle kick goals.
  6. SPEED. Speed kills. I will bring in only the fastest players. If they are not fast, I will slowly escort them to the dumpster out back and throw them in it. We’re getting more fast dudes. You like that? I bet you do. SPEED.
  7. More corruption. To lure top players, we need top facilities. And you can bet that I’ll use my complete lack of conscience to bait some podunk town to throw down a billion for a soccerplex that would make you shit a red card. We’re talking fancy showers, spa treatments, turf made out of imported human hair … the whole shit. Recruiting will go bananas, and that’s before I’ve even busted out the hookers.
  8. Delegate details to experienced underlings. I can have soccer people handle the super soccery stuff. My job is to be MACRO here, kids. We’ll never outkick those salt cod eaters from Portugal if we don’t go big. With Bruce Arena, you’re gonna get the same C-list players doing the same footsie bullshit you’ve seen before. With me, you get STARS. You get stars, and you get goals. I’ll soccer the FUCK out of that team.
  9. PHYSICAL. We will be physical with our opponents. Any Italian who flops in front of us will get a mouthful of cleat.


Let’s do this. I’m right here, USA Soccer. Call me if you want a winner in town.


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About the author

Drew Magary

Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and columnist for GEN magazine. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here.