Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

You've thought to yourself, "Y'know, those extremely agile and powerful Nintendo characters would be great at sports." But who would they be, if manifested in reality?

Today, we'll look at the eight boss robots from Mega Man II.


Metal Man
Dislikes dogs (rules out: Joey Porter)
The first person you beat (possibly: Corey Patterson)
Throws nowhere near his target (conclusion: Tarvaris Jackson)

Quick Man
As the name implies, is speedy (rules out: Dale Earnhardt, Jr.)
Carries a boomerang wherever he goes (possibly: Andrew Bogut)
Really fast and overbearing (conclusion: Chad Ochocinco)


Flash Man
Likes cameras (rules out: Tiger Woods)
Causes people to abruptly stop moving (possibly: Bruce Bowen)
Lives in a world full of crystals (conclusion: Jeremy Mayfield)


Wood Man
Made of wood, and therefore buoyant (rules out: Bison Dele)
Lives in a tree (possibly: Darren Pang)
Round, surrounded by powerful leaves (conclusion: Nate Newton)


Air Man
Can fly (rules out: Knute Rockne)
Has a really big fan (possibly: Shawn Johnson)
Mostly blows air (conclusion: Curt Schilling)


Heat Man
Hot (rules out: Shelden Williams)
Lives in a warm, underground climate (possibly: Ty Cobb)
Has an orange face (conclusion: Alex Rodriguez)


Crash Man
Has dangerous hands (rules out: Jose Canseco)
Wears a hard helmet (possibly: John Olerud)
Explosive (conclusion: Todd Stottlemyre)


Bubble Man
Swims fast (rules out: Terrell Owens)
Always wears a sanitary surgical mask, fearing infection (possibly: Darren Daulton)
Immobile when the temperature is below freezing (conclusion: Peyton Manning)

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