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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

If You’re Not Rich In America, You Are Fucked

Illustration for article titled If You’re Not Rich In America, You Are Fucked

There's an election coming up tomorrow, and I haven't paid any attention to it because, at this point, whatever asshole they stick in office will be no different from the asshole they stuck in there before.


That's how American politics work. Everyone at CNN or whatever the fuck likes to dazzle you with stats about just how much Americans hate Congress right now. Yes, well Americans have ALWAYS hated Congress. They've never satisfied us. In my lifetime, I don't ever remember anyone saying, "Hey, this Congress is pretty fucking sweet!" It never happens, because anyone predisposed to wanting to become a politician is certain to be a slime-dripping, hypocritical pile of shit. We elect a bunch of assholes who promise change, then we turn around and elect a bunch of new assholes two years later who promise to be a total change from the people who were supposed to be a change to begin with. Then THEY turn out to be morons, too. We're never gonna end up liking any of tomorrow's new batch of dipshits.

None of them will change what is fundamentally wrong with everything right now, and that is this: If you live in this country and you are not rich, YOU ARE FUCKED. Completely and utterly fucked. Even if you aren't technically fucked, you will still FEEL brutally assfucked. If you are just graduating college and you aren't rich, I strongly encourage you to marry someone who is already rich. Because otherwise, you are fuckstarted.


I spend every day trying to figure out how to be rich. I want to be rich so desperately. No, wait. Scratch that. I NEED to be rich. Not because I'm greedy, or because I think it's my destiny or some bullshit like that. No, this is strictly a matter of math. The median price of an American home is $180,000. Four years of college for one of your kids is at least $200,000 at a private college. The average family of four spends $12,500 annually on groceries. Health insurance (if you freelance like me, and you will soon because everyone is going to eventually get fired) is $600+ a month, and much more than that if you actually need to fucking use it. And that premium skyrockets as you get older because old people get sick a lot and hog all the medicine.

If your work isn't close to public transit, you probably need a car, which can cost thousands of dollars. You'll have to insure and gas it every year, which could again cost thousands of dollars.

And none of this counts any of the little surprise expenses that you can incur as you go throughout life: car repair, injuries, funerals, utilities, taxes, cases of Thunderbird, and all of that shit. Add it all up, and the average cost of having a middle class life in America is millions of dollars. You know who has millions of dollars? Rich people. Not fucking Joe Blow down the corner. Rich-as-shit motherfuckers. The idea of there being a middle class is bullshit. If you want to be in the middle class in this country, you need to be ass fucking rich. And if you want to be upper class, you better be ready to suck dick in a steakhouse.

Even if you have a steady job that pays you and gives you health insurance, it doesn't matter. Your company will lay you off the second you become too old and well-paid. It's the Belichick Model, which makes sense from a business perspective but will fuck you in the ass in the end. The only person safe from that axe is your cocksucker CEO. Once he lays you off, you have no way to pay for your own insurance, your mortgage, your life expenses, or anything else. The savings you accrued throughout your career will be used up in a short matter of time. And there's no guarantee you'll EVER work again after that. The only way you can pay for a supposed everyday American existence after that, and stave off dying under a mountain of debt? FUCKING RICH. Congress has no awareness of this, because the day a Congressman gets laid off is the day he starts making MORE money in the private sector. It's the exact opposite of everyone else, and I hope they all get shot in the fucking face.


I am not destitute. Compared to starving pygmies in Whereverthefuck, I have it just fine. I am aware of this. But that doesn't mean I don't feel constant, unyielding pressure to try and get my family's head above water. Every time you make money, there is always something to come along and kick you in the fucking nuts. Medical bills, etc. Something to always set you back and make you feel like there is no possible way in hell that you'll ever be able to truly make it, to get to a place where you can feel secure enough to just fucking BREATHE. Everyone wants that life in this country, and millions have incurred enormous amounts of debt to do so. And because they've spent all that money they don't have, they've driven up the marketplace on shit like houses to a place where NO ONE can afford supposed middle class things like a house without incurring a massive debt of their own. Stupid people are buying shit they can't afford, in turn making that shit less affordable for everyone else.

There's no kind of diverse social strata in this country. You are either rich, or you are completely fucked in the ass. Is this self-imposed by many? Yes. Does that make the situation any better? No. Will it change in my lifetime, thanks to some magical asshole liberal or conservative policy? No. In fact, given the fresh supply assholes we'll have running the joint next, it'll probably only get worse. So put that in your fucking teabag and suck it. I have a flying hoverboard to invent. It's the only way I'm gonna be able to afford those goddamn braces.

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