Introducing The Loneliest Boy In The World

Poor Brandon. Back in April of last year, the Barry Zito Fathead seemed like a very cool thing to have. But 170 innings and 24 losses later, this young man is not only reevaluating his choice of room decor, but also his very existence on this earth. Young Brandon is now a virtual shutin; ostracized by his peers, shunned by the local Little League and virtually ignored even by his own dog. Even the local Catholic priest will have nothing to do with him.

This just in: Barry Zito's Fathead poster is now 80 percent off. Originally $99.95 — back when our hero signed a $126 million contract to come to the Giants from the Athletics — you can now have his enormous decal on your wall for $19.95. Should go well with your Latrell Sprewell comforter and your Mickey Rourke action figures.

If we had a screen shot of that laptop:

• "To my brother, I leave my Pokemon cards, and all my Hellboy comic books ..."

• "So in conclusion, screw you Mr. Zito, you big retarded piece of ..."

• "You have ignored my emails for the final time, Hannah Montana. My retribution will be swift but powerful ..."

• Indeterminate Harry Potter slash fiction

Barry Zito's Fathead Poster Is On Clearance [Home Run Derby]