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Introducing Your Temporary Funbag Replacement: The Boring Bag

FunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.

Drew's on vacation, but it's Tuesday and we need a mailbag. So instead of a Funbag, how about a Boring Bag? Today's topics: sidewalks, yawn-inducing numbers, a fish that is fast, and so much more.

Plenty of time for tiddlywinks. Almost too much time. I drum my index and middle finger on any surface I can find when there's not much going on. I either make a beat that I think sounds good but probably doesn't or pretend to be a Morse Code operator. Or just a Morse Code enthusiast.

When you think of boring and sports, most American men will say "soccer" or "Mike Lupica." I think Jeff Blauser. What a boring player that guy was. He was on the Cubs for two seasons after a marginally successful stint with the Braves, but he really brought the boring when he went to Chicago.


He wore the jersey number four, which aside from basketball, is a really boring jersey number. And he seemed like a boring guy. Look at these pictures, and cards here. He's like Michael Young if Michael Young had narcolepsy and still played second base. Sure he had an above-average OBP, but that's probably because he was just too boring to take more hacks at the plate. Boring player? Heck and yes.

Anyhoo, onto your letters, most of which are real.


How does the top 29 scorers in WNBA history strike you? Riveting.

29 is a really boring number. It's not divisible by any interesting numbers. It's awkward to write unless you're the kind of person who starts a nine at the bottom and ends with the loop.


And it's the WNBA which, frankly, is rather boring. There's no dunking; John Wooden thought it was great because of the sound fundamentals; it's on during the summer when you'd rather be watching baseball—another boring sport?—or drinking outside somewhere because it's so damn hot and all that's on TV is the WNBA. And how come there's 29 for PPG but a nice, round 30 for total points? No. 3 on the total points list is Katie Smith. I could probably name the top 10 or 15 players in WNBA history sadly, and I would never have thrown Katie Smith in there, mostly because I've never heard of Katie Smith.

That being said, Ryan, these women are most likely better at basketball than you, me, Bill Simmons, and most male Division III players. So they deserve a modicum of respect from us. Plus they get to shower with like 11 other women on the reg. That's something to be admired, right?



I stepped on a bee yesterday.

I'm guessing you were wearing a shoe, right? Or sandals? A particularly thick sock? When does bee season end? Did you ever see Bee Season? That Richard Gere sure can make a boring movie these days.


Back to regular bees. In fifth grade, I was stung on the ear by a wasp and had to go the hospital because my ear became swollen. It was the first time and only time I've had an IV. That's got to be the most boring reason for having an IV, right? If you're dehydrated and you need one, you've probably been out partying or playing flag football or mountain biking — those are good reasons to get an IV. Not because you got stung by a wasp outside the Field Museum.


This is the fastest fish alive.


I am not a fan of fishing. But I really like to eat fish. But when you think about it, how boring is seafood? Sure, salmon is delicious, but for the same price, can't you get a steak? But sometimes you just really want some salmon or cod. Fish and chips is a really boring restaurant order, though. Can't get behind that.


I'm trying to decide on a new pair of pants. Beige or slightly more beige?

Go as beige as you'd like. And pleats. Pleats are boring.

Scott Rudin's NFL MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So this one week only, boring Hollywood producer Scott Rudin will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Rudin.


Probably Peyton Manning.



Are the Gawker offices just a giant basement? Or is it actually an office? If it is a real office, do the io9 guys blog from that basement?


It's an office and it's actually really nice. Everyone from all the sites sits together in these long tables, but with clearly demarcated borders. Except for the video interns. They're stuffed away in a corner. It looks like they're playing one of those computer games that a lot of people play together. The office itself is on the fourth floor of this building, and the stairs are pretty steep. Everyone's around though. Remember the picture of Babs? I think those are io9 people behind her. I couldn't tell you for sure, though.



My favorite sidewalk tile of all time has to be this one in downtown Emporia, Kansas. It used to be white, but obviously over the years it's turned a light gray. There are a few cracks, but not many, and I think it's been there for about 50 years. Sometimes I wonder how many people walk across it on a given day. I'd say 238. I wish I had a picture of it, but you'll have to take my word for it. What's your favorite sidewalk tile?


I can pick only one? I'd have to go with the one outside my apartment. There's a bunch of random things scratched into it. One of the etchings is clearly "tampon" though. Whenever I see it, I wonder if the person is an idiot for writing "tampon" in wet cement or a genius for always making me think through this scenario whenever I see it. Here's a picture.


Eddie Sutton:

What appetizer tastes worse when made at home between mozzarella sticks or potato skins and why


I think it's potato skins and because there are more components. A mozzarella stick has the cheese goo and breading. That's hard to fuck up. A potato skin has the potato, potato skin, cheese, bacon, and optional sour cream. Any one of those things will taste awful if your frozen food manufacturer of choice skimped on the materials. I recommend a good frozen taquito, if you can find it.


What's the best way to clean your nails when you don't have one of those file things that you clean your nails with?


I like an envelope. But not one that you're going to use, mind you. You have to be careful because you don't want a paper cut under your nail.

Other good options are a key, but it has to be a smaller key, and a bottle cap. If it's from a beer, you're golden because it's sorta rigid, and it's not going back on the bottle. If it's from a soda, Gatorade, water, whatever, you might forget what you did and put the cap back on. That's pretty gross when you think about it.


Now it's time for a Pretty Much Par For The Course Moment In Not Hooking Up Because You're Already Married, But Still Not Doing Anything. Take it away @dontforgetmac:

I once got with this chick, lets call her my wife, and things were getting pretty hot. Then the Yanks came back on


That's cold. I bet you had to discuss something about plates later.

I have no idea what married people do.

That's the Boring Bag.

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