Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Is a Sentient AI Trying to Destroy the Pittsburgh Pirates?

Illustration for article titled Is a Sentient AI Trying to Destroy the Pittsburgh Pirates?
Illustration: Getty

It was always going to be a trudge for the Pittsburgh Pirates. They are the only team in the NL Central not at least making an effort to win. They’ve been stripped of almost any recognizable players. Their fans have to watch Austin Meadows and Tyler Glasnow anchor the competitive Rays while Chris Archer, the return in that exchange, is once again missing the whole season through injury. The list of indignities for a Pirates fan is extensive.

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You’d be excused if you felt like the Pirates just should be removed from the schedule. Most of their fans would like to forget their existence altogether. However, in a heartening and simultaneously frightening foreshadowing of Skynet’s usurpation of mankind — the machines are doing something about it.

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As Agent Smith put it: “Once we started doing your thinking for you, it became our society.” There can’t be any better demonstration of a superior intelligence than choosing to remove the Pirates from the field.

In case you were curious, yes, there are FAA regulations about aircraft over MLB stadiums during games, so this is illegal. But if you know anyone with a drone, you know they’re the exact type of asshat to not give a shit, and think it’s all a very funny joke which they couch in some nebulous political statement about sports. But really they’re just being an asshat.

Both sets of bullpens tried to down the drone with baseballs, but that didn’t work, because if relievers were that accurate they’d be starters.

Perhaps the drone belonged to a fan who was just trying to find a way to watch the Pirates without having to listen to Greg Brown and Bob Walk on television. It’s a feeling we can all understand. Maybe they were trying to illustrate the folly of trying to play baseball in the middle of a pandemic. Perhaps it was just an attempt to protect Byron Buxton from getting hurt again.

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What is for sure is that we’re all doomed.

Have you ever looked at a dollar bill, man?

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