Jimbo Fisher Is A Whimpering Penis

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Florida State is ranked second overall in the College Football Playoff committee's current rankings, which are determined by a complex mix of computer algorithms and schedule analysis and praying to a magic goldfish for spiritual guidance. And if you're like me, you're hoping that Florida State loses somewhere down the line, so that the committee has a cheap excuse to move them down to, oh … let's say 5000th or so. Because FSU is garbage, and because head coach Jimbo Fisher is a smarmy, whimpering football penis. Here's Jimbo railing against all of FSU's haterzzzz, particularly those in the evil librul media cabal:

Jimbo offers two reasons for FSU's current unpopularity: the team's recent dominance and ESPN's blood ties with the SEC. ESPN's Chris Fowler, who is awesome, already debunked that truther theory on Twitter last week:

Kirk Herbstreit also took to the radio to dismiss the claims, basically saying, "Hey, if we're gonna be corrupt, we're gonna be corrupt for OTHER people!" But Fisher will keep fucking this chicken because A) dipshit fanboys on #FSUTwitter will happily get his back and parrot the complaint and B) it allows him to avoid the OBVIOUS reason why this particular FSU team is so unlikable, which is that the school and local police department good ol' boyed their way into obstructing the investigation into Jameis Winston, and that one of its running backs is currently under investigation for beating the shit out of a pregnant woman (running back Karlos Williams is still scheduled to play for the team Thursday night). Ask Jimbo Fisher about THAT and suddenly he turns into a plaintive, wailing first grader, as you can see below:

This is pathetic. Both Fisher and Florida State seem far less bothered by their fuckups than the fact that people are paying to attention to their fuckups. Fisher is carrying himself like an above-reproach head of state here instead of the lucky bastard he clearly is. He's lucky the University of Alabama trustees blocked him taking the head-coaching gig at UAB and thus saved him from career suicide. He's lucky that the NCAA hasn't come down on Winston's head. And he's lucky to have gotten this far in life despite being named Jimbo.


You gotta work really hard to make the SEC look like the good guys, but Fisher has managed to do it by being callous, defensive, and completely unaccountable. "There is not a victim because there was no crime. We're convicting a guy over things that are not true, based on evidence," Fisher said. He's talking about the rape accusation against Winston, a case that had been hamstrung from the start and that ended when the state attorney declined to press charges because of a lack of evidence, not because the accuser was found to have said "things that are not true."

But Fisher is operating from deep within a garrison mentality, one that entails not only a sense of persecution and grievance but an utter conviction in the Seminoles' perfect innocence and virtue. This is the standard "The world is unjustly persecuting us because we're awesome!" mentality that the Baltimore Ravens popularized 14 years ago and is now the blueprint for any faction of human beings who despise introspection, be it deluded football coaches or shitbag gamers or Floyd Mayweather or whoever. Just watch:


"This is a high-character program that's ran the right way, on class, on dignity," he says, and all around him rally the FSU orcs, confirmed in the righteousness of their cause. Fisher is like Bobby Bowden if Bobby Bowden had stopped pretending to be clueless and fully embraced his true identity as Shelley Marcone from The Last Boy Scout. He's a goon and a bat-killer and I hope that the Louisville Pizza Huts somehow beat his sorry-ass team by a thousand points tomorrow night. No team in college football history has deserved its comeuppance more.