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Jimmy Butler Will Reach His Final Form In Miami

Photo: Michael Reaves (Getty)

It took zero days of Miami Heat training camp for cheese to continue cascading out of Jimmy Butler’s pores. In truth, the cheese began to flow T-minus 6.5 hours before camp even started: Butler got up at 3:30 a.m. on Tuesday to squeeze in a morning workout, per the Miami Herald, and he made sure everyone knew how different he was from the rest.

“Just a little extra work while y’all in your third dream. I like to get it in,” Butler said, continuing his noble quest to achieve optimal fitness and alienate every Gen Z teammate from the sport of basketball. The Heat like to crow about their militant approach to conditioning, having just shoved James Johnson—a wall of MMA-competent muscle, and almost certainly the last NBA player to pick a fight with—out of training camp because he was out of shape. There could be no better avatar for this hardo culture than Jim Butt.

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“I know you’re bored with it,” said Pat Riley said last week, accurately, “but [that reputation] stays with you forever. Hardest working, best conditioned, most professional, [most] unselfish, toughest, nastiest, most disliked team in the league.”

Butler has held up his end of the bargain. “I want people to hate the Miami Heat,” he said last week, slamming the door on future satire. It’s becoming clear that South Beach will bring his absolute corniest tendencies to the surface, along with all of his major veins and arteries. So what antics can we expect from James Ass this season? Let’s make some predictions:

  • at least three all-out, shit-flinging practice fights
  • refuses to stop talking about Bad Boys and Bad Boys II
  • places rookie Tyler Herro’s gaming consoles under the wheels of his Toyota Sienna
  • becomes a swimsuit model
  • becomes a police officer
  • turns Instagram account into wall of photos from indistinguishable beach workouts
  • petitions league for 4:45 a.m. tip-offs
  • brings in Mark Wahlberg for slurring, incoherent half-time speech
  • overzealous about the same four phrases of broken Spanish
  • incurs stress fracture while box-jumping 86 inches
  • busts into Dion Waiters’s pantry after a home loss to dispose of all refined sugars
  • gets his ass well and truly handed to him by Fat James Johnson
  • live-streams beach sprints during hurricane evacuation
  • reduces body fat, becoming so taut that any ordinary foul breaks the skin
  • becomes so unpleasant even Udonis Haslem wants out of Miami

Guess we’ll see!

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