Oh my god, dude, not everybody is a comedian, including me. I sit a couple hundred feet from the Onion’s writers’ room and can’t get them to return my pitches. I’ve made peace with that, and now it’s J.J.’s turn to come to terms with the fact that his value dropped as soon as he drove off the lot.


OK, maybe I overdid it there. Probably didn’t need to say I no longer care about anything J.J. Watt does “under any circumstances.” The world needs content, and I don’t want to lose my job to the computers, so, please, more American-related EPL folly.