Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

As counter-programming to the Puppy Bowl, (and as counter-counter-programming to the Super Bowl), the Hallmark Channel has announced it will air the Kitten Bowl on Feb. 2. It will be just like the Puppy Bowl, only with more assholish animals.

The competition will consist of two preliminary playoffs and a championship match. Along with basic obstacle courses of hurdles, tunnels, hoops, jumps, weave poles, lasers, lures and toys on strings, "Kitten Bowl" will feature clever locker room strategies, player profiles and "interviews," and camera work and audio recordings from the athletes as they play the game!


But that's not even the big news. No, the story is that the event's play-by-play will be provided by Yankees radio voice and saddest man alive John Sterling. You know what that means! Catchphrases! (Catphrases.) "Calico-lossal!" "Not too shabby, Mr. Tabby!" "What a sortie from the Tortie!" And so on.

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