There were plenty of concerned emails from readers after the Rick's Cabaret fiasco, but none were as well-intentioned and thorough as the one from Bomani Jones, friend of Deadspin and self-proclaimed strip club expert: I read about Daulerio and Leitch's trip to Rick's. Good stuff, great photos, etc. Then I read one of them had a horrible date with some of the entertainment. I sent an e-mail to the gentlemen because I was worried – petrified, in fact – that someone that I associate on any level whatsoever would go on such a date and actually pay. If ever a date should have been Dutch, especially one with such parallels to a weekend in Amsterdam, this was the one. Somebody paid. So I'm here to help. Read Bomani's helpful guide after the jump....Once upon a time, I wrote for ESPN.com's Page 2. After Pacman (ne Adam) Jones got into trouble for that little disturbance at the Minxxx in Las Vegas, I thought it would be helpful to the world to offer a few rules that would stop something like that from happening at the strip club. Pacman's mistakes were particularly disappointing to me, since I went to college in Atlanta, where Pacman's from. I was there four years. He was there for 18, and then he came back with money. Every time I've come to Atlanta since I've graduated, I've debated asking my parents to put a little something on the light bill. So how did I know the rules and he didn't? It was so baffling that I wanted to express my incredulity to the world. I'm not sure why that piece didn't run – when editors think something is especially ridiculous, they don't even reply — but I get the feeling that The Mouse didn't agree this was need-to-know information. Those people in the Minxxx probably would disagree, but what can you do? Based on Pacman's escapades and the sad, sad story offered by the folks at this fine blog, I've got a few strip club rules for you to follow. The stuff I wrote way-back-when are the Pacman Rules, with a few Deadspin Rules added. You can thank me at bomani AT bomanijones DOT com. The Pacman Rules 1. Once the money's thrown, it's thrown. Bills at the shake joint are like cards in game of spades-once they're laid down, they're gone. There is no negotiation when it comes to this rule. If you want to flash big money to show you're a baller, then can't care about getting the money back. Forget "making it rain" or anything else. Once the money's thrown out, the ladies on stage are going to pick it up. That's what they're there to do – pick up money. If you thought they were there to dance, see how much dancing they do when the money disappears. Perhaps strip clubs should have signs that say "no refunds," but some things are just unspoken but understood. Spades stick. So do dollars. 2. Take no more money than will fit in your pockets. Trash bags are for trash. If they were meant for anything else, their boxes would say "big ol' black plastic bags." And if they were meant for money, they would be called "wallets" or have big dollar signs on them like the sacks they used to show in cartoons. Stick with what fits in your trousers, and much drama could be avoided. 3. Don't frequent spots where one can bring a pistol. It's unclear whether someone from Pacman's party fired the shots at Minxx that night. However, it doesn't matter whether it was Pacman, his boy, or some dude posted in the corner that fired the shots. If the place doesn't sweep its patrons for weapons, it's not the place to go. Considering all the commotion at a strip club-especially during a night as busy as one around All-Star Weekend-there's no telling where a bullet could wind up going. I'm sure Arlen Specter would agree. As for the other things that could go wrong, ask Stephen Jackson and Co. 4. Observe the two-drink maximum. Most clubs require patrons purchase at least two drinks. Coincidentally, two drinks is the perfect place to draw the line. The worst place to be drunk is one full of naked, attractive women whose job is to break men for everything they have. Plus, what good has ever happened for someone in a room packed with intoxicated men? Best case scenario is leaving broke. Worst case? Ask those three people that got shot. 5. Observe the two-friend maximum. When large groups of men get together, there's an unfortunate tendency for those guys to show out for each other. Showing out can mean spending lots of money or showing off how much they can drink. And often, it involves showing how big and bad they are. The more friends you bring, the higher the bar is set for affirming some contrived notion of manhood. Parties of three or less decrease the likelihood that someone in your crew will do something silly to earn props. 6. Stay away from the stage. Nothing good happens near the stage at a strip club. Nothing. The dancers look at you like a money machine. People will constantly walk in front of you, increasing the likelihood of getting your kicks stepped on. And if you're the one walking to the front, you might step on the shoes of someone who doesn't see such a mistake as a minor transgression. The best move is always to sit by the bar. You'll get your (two) drinks faster, you'll get more attention from the dancers, and you'll have the luxury of spending money on your own schedule. Further, there's no confusion about whose money is whose by the bar. All transactions are hand-to-hand. Unless someone picks your pocket-which is hard for someone to do if you're sitting on a stool-there will be no miscommunications like the one that took place at Minxx. The Deadspin Rules 7. If the dancer leaves the club and goes home, you shouldn't see her again until the next time you go to the club. Looking for good conversation at the strip club is looking for a bottle of A-1 at Mickey D's. There's no need for it there. If she looks that good, can maintain a high level of conversation and is out of college, she could find a better job than dancing (which doesn't pay as much as people think). That isn't sirloin in your Big Mac, dig? You know what you want. If the McRib isn't on the menu, you don't ask the girl at the counter out hoping she brought one in her purse. Sorry, just no McRib for you. No need to waste your time. 8. Leave the camera at home. I know this was a different situation, seeing how art is important at a reputable publication like this one. That said, who's impressed by someone saying he got a lapdance? Well, pictures don't make things any more fantabulous. However, I loved the picture of Will with breasts on the knot of his tie, for that appeared to be a perfect time for him to try to remember what he had for lunch yesterday. Made me wonder what's wrong with him, but a great pic all the same. (In all seriousness, those were great shots, and I applaud the photographer. Someone should give him some work.) 9. Don't get too fancy. Oh, Rick's was perfect for this here endeavor. In general? Well, if the Knicks and Rangers go there, ain't nobody looking at you. Nobody. Might as well go to the wax museum. Yeah, they're there and looking good. And that's all you'll be doing – looking. Regular cats have a hard time giving their money away in places like that, let alone paying for a dance. 10. Leave the debit card at home. Chances are you've got more room on the credit card. Hey, go hard or go home. Or just go home hard. (OK, and go home hard.) ******** Tonight: Yell about the Pats/Jets here. Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. SKEETS....speaks!
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