Kicking Off The Season With Satan

According to the The Boston Herald, which is being amusingly hush-hush about the whole thing, tonight's special guest at the NFL Kickoff Festivities will be Ozzy Osbourne. What does Ozzy Osbourne have to do with football? Well, Kanye West doesn't have anything to do with football either, and if Ozzy starts chattering about President Bush, no one will understand what he's talking about. (We suspect Ozzy is probably still under the impression Carter's still in office anyway.)

We are reminded of our favorite story from The Dirt, Motley Crue's autobiography. Ozzy was hanging out poolside with Crue guitarist Nikki Sixx when they challenged each other; both would urinate on the ground and then lick up their own pee. Ozzy went first and completed the task. Sixx, feeling obligated while still lamenting that this was part of the rock star lifestyle he hadn't signed up for, was about to complete the deed when, out of nowhere, Ozzy bent down and took care of it for him. What does this have to do with football? Nothing (thank heavens). But it would sure be more entertaining to see that tonight that Janet Jackson's pallid boob, or, for that matter, Bill Belichick's windbreaker.

Pats Wizard Of Ozzy [Boston Herald] (second item)