Last Night's Winner: Thundersnow And Communist China

Let us call it "Thundersnow" — a Norwegian black metal band of a winter menace, which deposited 18-20 inches of drifting white stuff across the Northeast, canceled football in Philadelphia, and emasculated America.

And Philadelphians are pissed. Seriously pissed. From the drunken louts who invaded Jetro yesterday to unapologetic Iggles fan Gov. Ed Rendel, it appears only a handful of folks who were not scheduled to play in last night's game were the ones making the decision. For Inquirer writer Will Bunch, this was the epitome of sissy and an ideal moment to break out the Modern Family level of racial insensitivity to restore Pennsyltucky pride:

If we're not "a nanny state," then we've become a nation of overcautious risk managers, also known as wimps. They don't play American football in China, but I believe that if they did, not only would they have played this game, but 300,000 fans would have marched barefoot through the drifts for 15 miles to get to the stadium, drilling each other with advanced calculus problems as they walked.

Yeah! And they would have karate kicked their way through the 10-foot drifts!

In a few years, they'll come here and conquer what's left of America while we huddle on our TV-room couches to keep safe and warm, watching "A Christmas Story" on TBS for the ninth time after a forecast of flurries has canceled the entire NFL schedule.

Sound of a banged gong.

For those Chinese Eagles fans who instinctively showed up to last night's game, they'll be glad to know that the Eagles-Vikings will play on Tuesday night instead.

[PHOTO: Yong Kim (FIGURES!)/ Philly.com]