Liveblogging The Vice-Presidential Debate Between Mike And Uh … Steve?

Tonight at 9 p.m., two men who are probably never going to be president will spend 90 minutes speaking to each other in firm yet respectful tones. I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks.

But first, let’s meet tonight’s spark plugs.

Did you know that, if given the option to dine with anyone, GOP pick Mitch Pence would choose Jesus and C.S. Lewis, in that order? He also once wrote an op-ed explaining that, in fact, smoking does not kill—a devastating blow from which Big Science has yet to recover. Here’s a picture of him surrounded by nuns as he signs a bill that makes it legal to discriminate against gay people. Good luck to this potential future leader of the free world.

On the Dems’ side, we have Tad Kaine, a former legal ethics professor who allegedly “learned everyone’s name by the second class and also assigned way too much reading.” He once said that he believed cheating politicians should resign—including Bill Clinton. Here’s a video of him playing the harmonica, which he carries with him at all times. Good luck to him.

If this just gets inexpressibly boring we’ll probably just start talking about the American League wild-card game, but here’s to hoping someone loses their shit on stage.