Locker Page 1237 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Decision: The Open Thread
The wait is almost over. Use this as your open thread for all LeBronukkah festivities. If you're feeling especially morbid, watch the happenings unfold with the sad sack patrons of a bar in Cleveland. Prediction: The Blazers pull off a coup....
Great Moments In Wounded Rabbit Mercy Killing
Let's get right to your letters. We're in for a cocksuckin' good time today, cocksuckers....
LeBron Watch, Day 49: The Day We All Became Witnesses
At 9 p.m., the long-running soap opera over LeBron James's free agency will end, cementing the fact that the King's ego — not the things he does on the court — has become his defining characteristic....
Let's Watch A City's Heart Break, Together
Your assignment: go on the CavFanatic message boards and find the most delusional, bitter or heartwrenching posts. Put them in the comments or send them to me, and I'll compile the best ones later on. [CavFanatic]...
The Mystery Of The Touch-Free Orgasm
Big funbag today. Right to your letters....
LeBron To Announce Decision Via Twitter?
@kingjames lies dormant. "Wednesday," some say. He shall speak, and we shall behold. #Witness....
Weekend Winner: Free Agents Breaking The Bank
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like NBA free agents, who are just flat out getting paid. I thought we were headed for a work stoppage? Actually, that's probably why these contracts are flying....
Dwyane Wade Makes Loyal Fans Feel Like Kicked Puppies
This is just about the saddest thing ever. A bunch of Heat fans woke up ass-early to greet Wade at the airport after returning from his free agent visits. He flew in to a different terminal, standing them all up....
Psychic Octopus Predicts Spain, But It's A FRAUD!
Paul the octopus is 5-0 in picking winners in Germany's matches, and the world has been waiting for his semifinal selection. Unfortunately, there's tomfoolery afoot....
Here's The NBA All-Star Game Edited To Look Like A Soccer Game, Complete With Spanish Guy Flopping
If you've ever wondered what basketball would be like if it were as low-scoring and anticlimactic as soccer, this is the video for you. [Urlesque]...
Sea Creatures, Soccer Powers Battle For Supremacy
Paul, the Berlin octopus has correctly predicted every German match so far, and he's picking them over Argentina. Sayco, the Argentine dolphin, thinks otherwise. Gentlemen, choose your slimy undersea prognosticators....
And Now, An Appreciation Of The Bra
I went to the doctor the other day. I was sentenced to wait in one of the examination rooms for roughly 90 minutes while the doctor played CALL OF DUTY in the next room over under the guise of supposedly saving other people's lives, or some bullshit like that. Anyway, they had the reflex tester layi...
Tea Partiers Support Diamondbacks, Tony La Russa Supports Tea Partiers
Members of the St. Louis Tea Party came out in force for Tuesday's Cardinals game against the D-Backs, but the real can of worms was opened when La Russa came out in favor of Arizona's crackdown....
LeBron Watch, Day 42: Two Reasons LeBron Can't Leave Cleveland
Turn off ESPN. Fold the newspaper. Ignore talk radio. Until LeBron signs somewhere, all of the experts are going to blather on that they "know" where LeBron is going. Save your time. Read this instead. ...
Last Night's Winner: NBA Nerds
In sports, everyone is winner—some people just win better than others. Like people who actually care about NBA free agency. You did it. You've arrived. Go ahead and start annoying everyone with your "official" guesses....
This Free-Agency Business Will Make A Lot More Sense After Tonight, Maybe
Where are those three guys going? No one knows for sure, but it's been a lot of fun speculating wildly and laughing at others' predictions, hasn't it?...
Confusing Chinese Yao Ming Ad Here To Befuddle Us All
This ad, featuring crudely drawn and out-of-proportion representations of Yao Ming, Wang Zhizhi, and Yi Jianlian, is for Chinese manufacturing conglomerate GMC and oddly enough appeared in today's Wall Street Journal. Expect the Rockets to run this on in-bounds plays. [Copyranter]...
Congress Hammers Out Differences On Baseball Diamond (Video)
When all was said — like, "It's one of the best things we do in Congress"*— the Dems had prevailed 13-5. They'd knocked around Rep. John Shimkus (R-Ill.) — still, on the field — during the fifth inning, which is a fitting fate for the man that kinda-sorta tried to hide the whole Mark Foley-emailing-...
Chad Ford Reduces LeBron Sweepstakes To Their Absurd Essence
It was Chad Ford who kickstarted the LeBron-to-Chicago talk, and now, a month-and-a-half later, as we career toward LeDefcon 1, it is Chad Ford who brings the conversation to its natural endpoint: quoting a waiter in a Chicago steakhouse....
