Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Want to aid the NFL in its quest to rid itself of the scourge that is player misconduct? Ever find yourself shaking your head at the bone-headed mistakes that ruin one of their innumerable faulty investigations? Think you can do better? Then by all means, apply here for the league’s newest position, Director of Investigations!

The position, brought to our attention by Aaron Nagler, appears to be focused primarily on digging up digital dirt on any league or team employee “involving any alleged impropriety or criminal conduct.” Here’s the full description:

The Director of Digital Forensic Investigations is responsible for a wide variety of duties in the Security Department, including but not limited to: conducting or coordinating, supervising and managing detailed and complex investigations involving alleged impropriety or criminal conduct by League and Club personnel, conducting or coordinating, supervising and managing detailed and complex investigations of alleged impropriety or criminal conduct in which League or Club personnel are victims, background investigations for League and select Club personnel, liaison and support for other League and Club departments such as Compliance, Internal Audit and Legal. This role will have an emphasis on properly investigating and handling evidence related to social media, computers, telephones and mobile devices.


The right applicant must have at least a Bachelor’s Degree, a minimum of 10 years of experience in law, and “Appropriate certification and training pertaining to performing digital forensic examinations,” which I assumes mean a deft touch for navigating Twitter and Instagram’s search functions.

(Oh, and if you’re wondering if this listing is real, you can find the same position on the NFL’s own site.)

From the likely tasks listed in the “Job Functions” section, it appears the NFL plans to regularly confiscate employees’ computers and other electronics and needs someone able to hack into those bad boys and find the good stuff before it get leaked to a news organization and embarrasses them. In the “Special Skills/Abilities” part, things like “expertise in conducting complex and varied criminal investigations,” “Expertise in both civil and criminal judicial processes,” and “Extensive network of law enforcement contacts at the local, state and federal level” really drive home what the league believes itself to be building with its investigations department.

If this sounds like you, apply now to become a powerful, unaccountable cog in the NFL’s privatized judicial system!


H/t Aaron Nagler

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