May Pete Rose Live Long And Die Out

Perhaps you've heard of the new book The World Without Us, Alan Weisman's blow-by-blow account of what would happen on Earth if all human beings suddenly disappeared. But if you think this book is just some environmentalist's wet dream, you're wrong. Dead wrong. People, I give you The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, a very real foundation that hopes to make just such a scenario reality. Their slogan? "May we live long and die out." Indeed. For what better way to prevent species from going extinct than to make a species go extinct? I particularly enjoyed the group's FAQ.

Q: Are some people opposed to VHEMT?

Yes, but only some. There's also this quote:

...we will arrive at virtually the same conclusion: we should voluntarily phase ourselves out for the good of humanity and planet.

I agree. Nothing could be better for humanity than ending humanity. This is the kind of project that I think actually does some good, because the people who will agree to phase themselves out are people I hope would never choose to breed anyway. And there are some figures in the world of sport I really hope will join the cause. We weren't able to stop people like Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, or Phil Mickelson from producing a few fuck trophies. But we can still get to some of these people and stop their bloodlines. People like:

-Peyton Manning. If Archie's kid gets this much goddamn attention, I don't even want to know what kind of hype Peyton's kid will get.

-Eli Manning. There's no need to further the genetic mutation.

-JJ Redick. Considering JJ employs urine as his preferred sexual discharge, I think this is a realistic goal.

-Kige Ramsey. William Faulkner once told his daughter, "No one remembers Shakespeare's children." So it is with Kige. To live in the shadow of such greatness is too much for one child to bear.