When Michael Vick plead guilty to dogfighting charges back in 2007, he also agreed to enroll in PETA's version of sensitivity training. His test results from that training are in, and they may surprise and/or amuse you.
PETA has posted Vick's complete answers to its "Developing Empathy for Animals" test on its website. If you're wondering, he got a 73.5/100 on the test, but I give him an 85/100 for penmanship. Show choice quotes:
• "Chickens have an uncanny ability to think and are very agile. They are very athletic to me".
• Vick describes the sadness that elephants feel when "visiting the grave site of another family member...rubbing the bones with their trunks and...crying out in grief". He also writes about the "deer who wouldn't leave his mate and took a [bullet] for her" and the "piglet who went after the drowning little boy in a story I read. Now that's heroic".
• Vick describes the golden rule as, "Do on to others as u want them to do on to u" (instructor's note: "right"). He states he can apply it to his life by "showing [animals] that I care and accept them (as long as the feeling is mutual)" (instructor's note: "not right").
• "My Aunt Tina own[ed] a Rotti named Tico. Once my aunt and her boyfriend Wayne [were] having an intense fight. Tico couldn't get into the house and thought my Aunt Tina was in danger. She jump[ed] through a glass window and pin[ned] my Aunt boyfriend Wayne to the ground just growling until my Aunt called her off. Now that's loyalty."
What do you say, folks? Has he learned his lesson? Come on, the 49ers need a quarterback!
Have yourselves a wonderful evening. My boss Mr. Kogod will be here tomorrow. Don't tell him about the auto-playing video thing, okay? PLEASE?