Photo: J Pat Carter (Getty)

I went with my family to a collegiate summer league baseball game last week, because tickets were cheap and because we needed a decent excuse to leave the house. If you’ve ever been to a summer league game—or to a much bigger professional sporting event—you know that there are things that occur within the stadium that are only interesting to the people IN the stadium. Anyone at home can watch a home run happen in real time, but the ballpark itself has all sorts of quirky shit going on that can often incite a greater reaction from the crowd than even a critical on-field play. Teams and stadium/arena operators have created an entire industry out of manufacturing such live distractions, to the point where the game itself can feel buried under 17 extemporaneous layers of razzle-dazzle horseshit.

But listen man, the reason they add all these bells and whistles is because they WORK. I am a good little doggie in that I, too, am easily diverted by whatever shiny objects pass through my line of vision when I’m sitting around waiting for sports things to happen. To that end, I have decided to sloppily rank these little moments for you… moments that get a rise out of the crowd but are of no consequence to a possible TV broadcast, or are willfully ignored by it. Please note that “Getting Food/Beer” is not on here because that’s a premeditated fan act and because it would easily rank No. 1. Only reason I go to sporting events is to pay too much for very large pretzels.

1. Streaker

2. Animal on the field

3. People boning in the parking lot

4. Burrito cannon! (They had this once at a Wiz game and I got one. BOOSH)

5. T-shirt cannon!

6. Basketball players attempting trick shots while warming up

7. Ball comes your way

8. Mascots racing

9. Seeing yourself on the jumbotron

10. Drunk fans fight in the stands

11. Athlete walks over and signs your crap

12. Red Panda

13. Mascot does novelty dunks

14. Free hat/shirt with admission

15. Athlete loses a shoe

16. Fan shoots a half-court shot to get 5 percent of their student loan debt relieved

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17. Foul ball travels out of a minor league park and hits a moving car

18. Foul ball travels out of a minor league park and hits a parked car

19. Drunk dude falls in the aisle

20. Mascot plays against the kids and truck sticks everyone

21. Mascots falling

22. PA song singalong so long as it is NOT “Sweet Caroline”

23. Cheerleaders doing some shit

24. Kids doing some mini-game at the half

25. BP

26. Singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”

27. Good marching band

28. Trivia contest

29. Athlete waves to your section

30. Kiss cam

31. Someone drops a beer

32. The anthem

33. The wave

34. They announce a mass prize to one section, which is NEVER your section

35. Bad marching band

36. Sorry-ass one-hit wonder plays halftime show

37. Rain

38. Being hit by a stray javelin

39. Some fucking sponsor gets to give a speech from the mound