NBA All-Star Hangover: Featuring Real Quotes From Real Drunks!

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's spent a night here and there praying to The Porcelain God. When he's not sailing the seas with Captain Morgan, he can be found getting intoxicated by the NBA at Basketbawful. Enjoy! • What? Don't try to act like none of you have ever gotten drunk and shat yourselves before! Did the Rockets have a special plan to stop LeBron James? Said Shane Battier: "Well, we hoped he had a real good time in New Orleans." As a matter of fact, King James did have a good time in the Big Easy, winning his second All-Star Game MVP award. But despite a triple-double of 26 points, 13 rebounds and 11 assists - his 5th of the season and the 15th of his career - James went 0-for-7 in the first half and committed a game-high 5 turnovers as the Rockets blasted the Cavaliers with a 93-85 win. Yao Ming had 16 points and 14 rebounds, but his 3-for-17 shooting suggests that the Merciless One was still about two sheets to the wind.

• I'm gonna go explore! (Falls on his ass) Hello, Mr. Floor. Thank you for catching me. The Pistons saw their 10-game winning streak go swirling down the crapper last night as the Magic routed them 103-85 at the Palace of Auburn Hills. Detroit's All-Star trio of Chauncy Billups, Rasheed Wallace and Richard Hamilton combined to shoot 12-for-32 from the field and 1-for-6 from three-point range. "You hate having a break when you are on a winning streak, because it messes with your momentum," Billups said as he gulped down a few Ibuprofen. "That's not an excuse, because we feel like we should have come in here and played better than that. Now where's the restroom? I'm gonna heave." Fellow All-Star and Slam Dunk Champ Dwight Howard also had a case of the weeble-wobbles, scoring only 8 points on 2-for-9 shooting and committing a game-high 5 turnovers. But Superman also stuffed a team-high 4 shots to help force the Pistons into some tipsy shooting (38 percent for the game). • I will mess you up you tall bastard! The Knicks didn't have any All-Stars, but that didn't stop them from acting like a bunch of drunken idiots. Near the end of the fourth quarter, Zach Randolph threw a cup of water at teammate Nate Robinson, and Nate the Great retaliated by throwing a towel at Z-Bo. I guess that kind of dysfunction works for them, because the Knicks used an 8-1 run at the end of regulation to force an extra session, during which they set a franchise record for points in overtime (23) to beat the Wizards 113-100. Antawn Jamison ended up with 20 points and 13 rebounds, but found out once again that one is the lonliest number. (At least Agent Zero has been cleared to practice.) • Even though I'm drunk, I still...you know, I kinda forgot where I was going with that. Tim Duncan may act like a joyless basketball-playing robot, and, well, he probably is. But he also came back from N'awlins to shoot 2-for-12 against the Bobcats, so you can draw your own conclusions. (It's always the quiet ones.) Fortunately for TD, Manu Ginobili helped pick up the slack by scoring 18 points, and Ime Udoka added 12 points and 10 rebounds in San Antonio's 85-65 win over Charlotte. Gerald Wallace may have gotten snubbed, but he still acted like he was suffering a post-All-Star hangover by scoring 4 points on 0-for-9 shooting. New player watch: Damon Stoudamire had 8 points (3-for-6), 3 rebounds, and 4 assists for the Spurs. • I can't decide whether to go to the bathroom or get another beer first, maybe I'll try both. Carlos Boozer obviously knew to enough to get some sleep and drink lots of liquids over All-Star Weekend, because he recovered well enough to score 16 points and grab 12 rebounds ... although he did have a game-high 6 turnovers. Deron Williams must have been a little jealous of Chris Paul's near-MVP performance, because he racked up 29 points and 13 assists as the Jazz downed the Warriors 119-109. All-Star snubbee Baron Davis had 17 points and 4 assists for Golden State. New player watch: Chris "The Ultimate Warrior" Webber had 9 points (4-for-6), 1 rebound, 3 assists, and several tubes of Bengay. • I'm not as think as you drunk I am. The Boston/Denver game featured four guys who played in the All-Star Game, and they must all be quick healers, because there wasn't much of a dropoff (except maybe on defense). Paul Pierce went for 24 points, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists, and Ray Allen added 20 points. Meanwhile, Allen Iverson scored 28 to go along with 7 rebounds and 9 assists, and Carmelo Anthony dropped in 29 as the Nuggets beat the Celtics 124-118. The one All-Star who didn't play, Kevin Garnett, returned to the Boston lineup with a case of the shakes, scoring 4 points on 2-for-7 shooting and committng 4 turnovers. Might be time for a little hair of the dog, KG. • I have the hugest penis in the world! Wait I'm lying...it's wicked small! Brandon Roy must have felt pretty, ahem, well-endowed after his first All-Star Game - he scored 18 points on 8-for-10 shooting - but he came back shooting a little cockeyed (5-for-18) and the Trail Blazers puked up a 105-94 loss to the new-look Kings. Ron Artest led Sacramento with 24 points, and Kevin Martin chipped in with 21. • Man, I'm fucked up like a left-handed baseball bat. It might be heavily injured, but Kobe Bryant's pinkie must have laid off the sauce, since Mamba shot 8-for-16 on his way to scoring 23 points in the Lakers' 122-93 drubbing of the Hawks. Joe Johnson led the dirty birds with 18 points, but the trade ... the trade must have ... screwed up their continuity. Yeah, that's it. New player(s) watch: Pau Gasol had 23 points and 6 boards for the Lakers, and Mike Bibby scored 5 points (1-for-5) in his Atlanta debut.