Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports Nihilist, where all is for naught and we are but accidental jolts of electrified meat stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe. Fuck you.
Jalen Rose famously says you got to give the people what they want, and the internet wants venom. It’s sustained on negativity. Your goddamn negativity. There’s a Force-Darkside analogy in here somewhere, but I’m not sure where the insult is, so let’s skip it.
You know what kind of slideshow does numbers that make digital media companies salivate like ravenous dogs? Insufferable fanbases. You know what kind of late-afternoon throwaway post with offhand jokes gets Twitter riled up? A negative one. How about a headline predicting an early end to a talented player’s career? Hell fucking yeah. Never mind that he could be good for the game and possibly your team, bury this clown alive.
You see, the thing about going online and saying some shit is I get a paycheck to justify it. I’m just a professional doing a job; it’s nothing personal. I know that’s what the bad guy says to the good guy right before getting his head blown off for committing a personal and very heinous crime. And I’m cool with being the villain.
When nothing matters, the only thing that matters is how you feel, and I have to say, I feel enough to get up every day and keep going. I’m doing pretty well at my job. My columns get clicks, my output is near the top of Deadspin, and I sleep great at night.
A logical person who cares about empathy and journalistic integrity might be appalled to hear me say that, but I’m fine being that guy — taking on the internet, calling out others because I refuse to look inward, quickly aggregating semi-viral moments for a few easy page views, and drinking myself to sleep at night.
What is spiraling debt if money is merely a figment of capitalism? I’ll be at peace when the world ends not with a bang but with the gradual erosion of our ecosystem as the laws of nature strangle out life from this planet, turning us into a science project for a smarter more intelligent species to discover and study.
If you’re (still reading and) saying to yourself, “I thought this guy was supposed to be making fun of the Sweet 16?” It’s coming. Take it easy you fucking hyena. You can click “Next slide” at any point. I have a few more insults to hurl at people who spend their day inhaling hate.
Well, actually, that about sums it up, so now for the part that you’ve all been waiting for: The negativity. My apologies if the following jokes are really bad. I’m literally cranking them out as fast as I can.