Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

New Lions coach Dan Campbell answers age-old question: What if lighting a fart were a person?

Dan Campbell talks tough, sounds dumb.
Dan Campbell talks tough, sounds dumb.
Image: Getty Images

You would have thought that after going through a disaster of an era with a phony-tough gasbag (who might also be a rapist) as a coach, the Detroit Lions would try and go the other direction. Maybe hire someone simply smart who is good at his job and might think about moving the team in the general direction of this century? Maybe someone like Jim Caldwell, who coached and acted like an adult and led them to their longest stretch of success, in Lions terms at least, in nearly three decades?

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Ha, nope! You’d be wrong, fucko! Totally wrong! Tried-to-change-the-channel-with-your-can-of-soda-and-drink-your-remote wrong! This is the Lions, buddy! If the last guy who was the live-action version of the gym teacher from Beavis and Butthead didn’t work, they’re just gonna go even more Buzzcut!

Meet Dan Campbell (obviously to be said in “Jetsons theme” cadence):

Anyone get the idea that maybe Campbell has been through this exact scenario a couple times?

Now I’m pro-profanity in non-profanity settings at all times (at least I am when I can block out that Bono once swore at the Grammys and ruined it for everyone). But while claiming to not give you “coach-speak,” Campbell unleashes a torrent of coach-speak from 1977 that would drown a horde of wildebeests. Also a group of wildebeests is called a “confusion,” and I can’t really think of a better metaphor for the Lions than that.

You go ahead and teach your guys to punch people in the balls while fighting for a fumble, chum. Aaron Rodgers will continue to dance on your skull.

Campbell was something of an outside the box hiring, probably because he was too busy trying to eat the box on a bar bet. He was New Orleans’ tight ends coach, and his head coaching experience was merely being the Dolphins’ interim coach in 2015, where the Fins went 5-7. Even the Lions own website proclaims, “Under Campbell, Miami improved eight spots in the NFL’s rushing yards per game rankings …” which is … something? Maybe next time I bet on a horse that finishes fifth I’ll try and convince them to pay me because the jockey’s silks were pretty. Come see Lions football, our coach might incrementally improve the running game! #HonoluluBlueForever

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Usually, resorting to the level of fight and toughness on a team is the emergency rip cord for a coach when things are going badly. Challenge them and rile up the basest of your fanbase to put it on the players who don’t want it enough. Throw the media off your scent. To come out of the gates with it is a … choice. The Lions didn’t suck under Patricia because they couldn’t eat kneecaps or whatever. They lost because Patricia was a moronic goon. This is a guy who got regularly lit up by Mitch Trubisky! Whether or not they would gnaw on various bones of others’ never really came into the equation.

This is ice cream for the braindead. Which has basically been the Lions history. 

We can't be too careful. Two guys in an airport...talking? It's a little fishy.