Make room, Lawrence Taylor, there’s a new contender for the most drug-riddled in-game experience. While Derek Wolfe was nowhere near the human wrecking ball that LT was, his pregame cocktail of mushrooms and Adderall is a modernized, and tempered, version of the cocaine-fueled stories that came out of the Giants’ locker room in the ’80s.
“Before games, I was taking microdoses. . . . I’m fucking taking mushrooms and Adderall before I play,” Wolfe said on Joe Rogan’s podcast.
“Dude, the fucking focus is out of control. I would just, like, before games, I would get myself pissed off — so I just would start thinking about my childhood, all the shit I went through as a kid. And it would fucking get me into this rage mode. It was like this crazy controlled rage.”
I shared that tweet for two reasons, and neither was redundancy. I’ll get to the paralyzed tidbit later, but I want you to take a closer look at Von Miller in that photo.
That’s the face you make right after your teammate tells you he’s been hyping himself up on childhood memories, mushrooms, and Adderall.
“What’s up, Derek? You good?”
“Yeah, just trying to figure out why my father never loved me, if these visions are real, and what I need to do when the guard pulls on that pitch play.”
To be fair, I don’t think Wolfe was chomping a bunch of caps, but I have no idea about the effects of microdosing. All I have to go off of is an old roommate* who drank boomer tea for about a month. He also was blacking out every other night, and I had to shake him awake one night while he was mid-stream, sleep-pissing on the couch, so I don’t think it’s the same.
(*It’s OK, I’ve had close to 25 roommates over my life, and he’s not the only one who urinated on a sofa, so I’m not singling anybody out. But you know who you are.)
Wolfe went on to say that his magic elixir took his, umm, smack talk to a different level.
“Just, fucking, such a meathead. Saying wild, crazy shit to quarterbacks. I told a guy I was going to fucking eat his kids. It was crazy. . . .
“That’s what you do, man. It’s a head game. I’m trying to get in his head.”
It was at this point in the interview that Rogan ripped off his shirt, informed Wolfe that he does key bumps to get through marathon podcasts, and challenged Wolfe to a ladder match. Alright, I made up that last part. The other stuff. That happened, including this.
Yeah, about that paralyzation story… what the hell, man?
My apologies if I’m late to this story. The aggregators I follow apparently don’t listen to the Rogan podcast (and who could blame them).
Here’s the story.
“I was paralyzed for three hours and played two weeks later.
“I couldn’t move. I was just stuck in the ground. It was like I was melted, it was the weirdest feeling, man.
“The doctors wanted me to stay in the hospital, but the team doctors were like ‘you’re good, we can go’ on the team plane back to Denver.
“’It was miserable, every time I got touched my arms would go numb... and I’m a defensive lineman so my head’s getting hit every play.”
The eight-year pro said that’s when he realized “they don’t care about us.”
He’s not wrong; I just thought that it was a given. I mean, Damar Hamlin almost died on the field, and the NFL is going to let him play again if he gets cleared.