Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ectasy and Alcohol. C-c-c-c-cocaine…

Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering cocaine, button down shirts, and dating.

Time's a wasting. Let's get right to it.


Fuck do you get off, Drew, urging women to ask future husbands if they've stopped doing cocaine? I mean, that's a nice one-thru-ten checklist for any guy planning to marry the chick YOU'VE already married, but come on, man. Don't fuck up some people's spots. It isn't wrong for a person to still occasionally be doing cocaine around the time they decide to get married.


Okay, here's my confession. I've never tried cocaine. Ever. And the three or four times I've seen people snort it in front of me, it made me completely uneasy. I blame Nancy Reagan.

I tend to be someone who has terrible control when it comes to mass consumption. I'll clean out all the booze in the fridge. I'll smoke all the weed. I'll inhale Bugles by the bagful. If it's in front of me, I consume all of it. It's just best for me to not expose my penchant for Hoovering everything in sight to the yayo, or the yamyam, or any other hard narcotic. Plus, I've had a friend or two get hooked on it and end up sitting in strip clubs on weekdays at 11AM. You never want to end up in strip clubs on weekdays at 11AM. So there you go. I do NOT rock.


Ill Wingo's Mandingo:

My girlfriend will occasionally leave a perfect little wad of toilet paper in the toilet without flushing. When I'm next on deck and see that little t.p. burrito, hanging out, minding it's own business, I have the same reaction every single time. IT'S ON!

I try to obliterate that little fucker, and crush him into a million pieces. Making him dance around the bowl, splitting him in half with every pass. It is one of the most fantastic parts of my day. Very therapeutic. Sometimes there are two, and if I'm REALLY lucky, three... They always get fucked. All of them. Not really a question, just looking for a co-sign.

That is all.

Yup, I do that too. I blast the shit out of it and watch the little shreds of TP go flying in the bowl. Plus, your urine sort of concentrates in that one area of the paper, so it gets that nice rich yellow coloring, much better than when it dilutes with the rest of the toilet water. It's even better if the TP still has a bit of shit on it, and you try and clean the shit off the paper by aiming right at it. Mrs. Drew hates it when I piss with paper still in the bowl, because it splashes back and gets all over the floor. But it's so worth it.


Secretly, and this is wrong, but if I'm stuck having to piss in a portapotty, and there's a giant mound of someone else's shit sitting five feet down the hole, I aim for it. I cut it right down to size. Like driving over a sand castle someone spent three hours working on.


RE: Dribbling on khakis. When you think you are done (usually after the secondary stream which lasts for about a second), push the small area of your forward taint up. It works for me. And kinda tickles.


/presses taint

Hey, he's right! Also, speaking of ticklish, ever receive oral pleasure from someone and have it tickle your dick for the first millisecond? Just the initial contact. They start kissing your dick and you're all like WOOOOOOOOOO THAT TICKLES! Then, half a second later it goes away and you're like, okay, THIS FEELS GREAT NOW. CARRY ON.



I don't live in New York City, but I frequent it often on the weekends, as most of my friends live there. This past Friday night started like many others, a nice pregame with a couple of friends followed by bar hopping around town. As we're leaving a bar around 2 in the morning, I skip out thirty seconds before everyone else to bum a cigarette from a couple random heads, a preemptive strike if you will. My friends come out, see me procuring a cigarette, say, "that's where you were," and before I can even light my cigarette they've already walked down the street, without saying a word. Mind you, I have no idea where they're going.

When I do finally get the cigarette lit and start walking down the street in their direction, I have no idea where they've gone. I find out its a club and they're already in. I call them to let them know I'm outside so we can go somewhere else.

At this point in time they tell me to just wait in line, I'm not very happy, but I'm sleeping on one of their couches, so I'm at their mercy. My question to you is this: was this wrong of them?


I say yes, because you clearly weren't going to be long. HOWEVER, there is nothing worse than having stragglers in your group. You make the collective decision to leave the bar and go somewhere else, and there's always, without fail, one or two friends who still have a full drink to finish, or they have to make a call, or they're chatting with the bartender, or they have to smoke a fucking cigarette. Sometimes, you get tired of waiting for straggler friends and you just go FUCK IT, WE'RE GOING. Otherwise, you never end up going anywhere. This happens at every bachelor party. Getting 12 men to leave one place simultaneously is like building a goddamn pyramid.


Mondays are better to take off than Fridays. Think about it: which is a better day in the office? Friday, when everyone is in a good mood, half the office is usually out for the day/leaving early, and you can dress casually? Or Monday, when everyone is grumpy, everyone is in, and you have to dress normally? It's not even close.


Fair point. But ever have those Fridays where you really DO have to do work? It's horrible. I hated getting new assignments on Fridays. What? You want me to do real WORK? Fuck that. I'm only here for posterity today. And if someone ever gives you work at 4PM on Friday, or a client calls at 4PM that day (and they always do), you are free to curse their genitals. Assholes.


What is the appropriate etiquette when you call a girl for a first date and she screens the call and doesn't pick up? Leave a message and risk pulling a Jon Favreau from Swingers? Text message and look like a passive pussy that probably orders daiquiris on a first date? Hang up and try back later? Email a married guy from a sports blog and wait for the answer? I have tried all of these and feel like a dbag each and every time. I fucking hate girls.


Prepare and rehearse a very brief message in advance to leave if she doesn't pick up the first time you call. "Hey Lindsay, it's Phil. I was calling to see if you wanted to grab a bite to eat on Friday night. Lemme know. Take care." Done. Don't be cute. Don't try and make jokes to a fucking voice mail. Just get the basic info she needs to know out and leave it. She'll call back if she's down. They always do. DON'T hang up and call back. Ever. Call once and leave it like chicken on the grill.

Bobby Big Wheel:

Has anyone tried making a guide to hooking up at weddings, based on the collective wisdom of the Commentariat?


What's there to guide you through? Everyone's drunk and horny. Just scope the room, find a worthy companion for the night, and introduce yourself. Hit the dance floor, get drunk at the after party, then go back to your room and fuck like deer.


Since when can I only get Goobers at the movies? I love those little peanut dingleberries but I can't remember the last time I saw them in a bodega. When can Goobers break from the capitalist talons of the Regal Cinema Group?


Raisinets and Sno Caps, too! Know where you can buy them retail? Blockbuster Video. Find the last one standing in America. They have all the movie candy.

AJ (not the DS one):

Last week I was watching CNN at a pizza shop as I was waiting to pick up my lunch order and noticed one of the scrolls across the bottom of the screen.


Apparently they are still relevant enough to catch swine flu and make the news.



Just noticed that the two players who will replace the injured Cowboys starters this week are Free and Ball.




Where would be the best place to take a shit when I can't use a toilet?

The ocean. I took a dump in Long Island Sound once with my friend swimming fifty feet away. He then ratted me out to my wife, saying, "Hey, do you know what Drew just did? HE SHIT IN THE SOUND!" My friends are lame. Sellout!



My personal laptop's hard drive recently crashed. I'm unable to even get to the log-in screen. I'm in the middle of ordering a new computer, but have had to bring my work laptop home with me every night just to have some form of internet access. During the evening, before I go to bed, I enjoy a good masturbation session like most single men. Since my personal laptop is unable to function properly, I've had to go with my work laptop for my porn access.

I'm a consultant, so I'm traveling a lot with my computer. My roommate is a consultant as well, and he claims that when he is traveling, that he uses his work laptop for porn as well. He's trying to convince me to not worry and that the majority of consulting companies don't bother with monitoring your internet activity when you're not in the office.

I use Google Incognito, but this still makes me very uneasy every time I come in to work the next morning. I keep on expecting to see an email of death from HR saying I've been terminated. Any advice?


And yet, such is your horniness that the threat of termination hasn't yet stopped you from using your work computer to look at Redtube. That's men in a nutshell. Anything for a nut. You're a consultant, so you have money, so get a new personal laptop. Then you can jack it guilt free. Everyone who does NOT work in IT assumes there's one guy in IT who is watching your browser at all times, just waiting for you to log on to porn so he can nail you. That's always the fear you live with as a chronic masturbator. You have nightmares about being fired WHILE you're also jacking it. It's quite a mental stunt. Way back when, I used to pull Tera Patrick vids off of Limewire while at work. That was probably a bad idea.

I bet most employers have a porn threshold. They don't care if you look for ten minutes a day. But if you're looking at it eight hours a day, AND you have an open cube, you are SO fucking fired.



What is your policy regarding sanitary toilet seat covers? If you are in a public setting, do you use these if available? If not available, do you improvise with toilet paper strips or just through caution to the wind?


I never use them. I'm usually the person whose bowel movements prompt others to use such items. They're designed to protect you from people like me. Also, I can never get them to stay on the toilet. I use them with my kid, and they always end up falling in before I can get the kid's ass on it.

Hit Bull Win Steak:

A co-worker and I were having a debate about normal (i.e. non-handicapped) people crapping in the handicapped stall at work. He contends that this is no different than you parking in the handicapped parking space in a parking lot, and that you're an asshole for doing so. I called "bullshit" on this. Citing the allure of the bigger stall, the fact that the duration of the average crap is much shorter than that of when you park, and also the complete lack of handicapped people in the office. Please help us settle this.


Your coworker is WRONG. It's not fucking illegal to use a handicapped stall if you aren't handicapped, is it? They won't tow you away mid-shit if you use it, right? CHECK AND FUCKING MATE.

I like the handicapped stall. The toilet's higher. Better for my back.


I edit a Christian webmagazine, and I've pondered asking you if I could somehow syndicate your columns.


That's probably a bad idea.


What hot sauce do you fancy? I particularly go for Sriacha, a Chinese chili sauce. I put that shit on just about everything imaginable. I'm waiting for an ulcer the size of Alaska any day now (topped with all the booze and pot, I'm going to be one well rounded individual in the years to come).


I use Frank's Red Hot. If they don't have that at the store, I use Texas Pete. I'm not all that wild about Tobasco. More then five drops of Tobasco on anything, and your tongue goes fucking limp. You can pour a gallon of Red Hot on anything and still live.


What are the chances you "accidentally" come across Levi Johnston's nudie pics when they leak, you hairy bear? I would say I'm a mortal lock to "come across them" at some point during my naked couch surfing.


Whatever, gayboy. I come across enough penises while doing the women's portion of the Halftime Masturbation Kit. No Alaska dong for me.


I started sitting down to pee. It is silent, accurate, and relaxing but is it gay?


Nah, if that's your thing. My wife begs me to pee sitting down, because I'll go to pee in the middle of the night and just spray all over the place. Really paint the walls type business. Ever hit the toilet rim and shit goes spraying twenty feet in every direction? And you have to wipe your legs off and all that shit? Terrible. Anyway, it's a moot point, because my thighs are too fat for me to pee sitting down adequately. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about my physique.


I was reading your open mailbag article and thought I might have a piece of information that some of your reading public might enjoy. Wild Turkeys are 100% Grade A greasy dark meat. No Shit. Kill yourself a wild turkey and reap the benefits of throwing the fact that you are more man than all of your weak ass in-laws combined, and all the dark meat you would need.


Oooh, like duck and goose?


Oh, I'm all over that. TIME TO KILL.


With the holiday season fast approaching, I'm planning on being back home around old friends, some of whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I'm at the age where lots of these guys are getting married, having/thinking of having kids, etc. I know how annoying it is having to give the same mini-update on your life 100 different times to aunts and uncles and grandparents, and I don't want to be a source of that for my friends. My question is, what are more enjoyable, universal topics of conversation for the holidays?


1. Football
2. Movies
3. TV
4. Weather
1,231. Politics


I went to the University of Miami and the biggest d'bag fans are the ones who WENT to the school. I grew up in South Florida as a Canes fan through the glory years, the probation years, then the rebirth and started school there for the 2001 National Championship year.

The U is full of self-tanned New York and Jersey trash who only go there to party on South Beach and spend daddy's money. They couldn't give two shits about the football team unless they're playing FSU or some other glory program, and that's just because there's more of a chance to date rape the girls who go. One loss and no one shows up, they're busy taking their bedazzled shirts off at Space until 6 am.


I have no reply for this. I just liked it.


You are more of a dumbass than i thought....the offensive line is what makes mediocre teams great. Being able to run the ball when there is 2 feet of snow makes a team great yor dumb asshole. What allows you to have a successful running game? Since you obviously have no knowledge of the game of football let me tell you.....offensive lineman. Go drown yourself in your cases of beer and stop making idiotic statements about something you have no knowledge of. Let me guess you were one of those guys who quit football in high school because they sucked...i mean "the coaches hated me" kinds of guys. quitter.


Pfft. The coaches didn't hate me. They have to notice you to hate you.

D. Chuck:

Why the fuck can't I keep my button down shirt tucked into my pants? I slouch more than probably anyone, so that may be the reason. But can't we just make all pants have holes in your pockets so you can tug your shirt down into your pants, like rental tuxedo pants have? I don't like having to shove my hand down my pants in public for any other reason than "The high school cheerleaders are over there, let's give it a quick jerk."


I concur. I can't keep my shirt tucked in for longer than five minutes. I sit down, I stand back up, and it's all over. Annoying. And whenever you tuck back in, you just stuff that shit down, and it pops right back out. To get a proper tuck in, you have to undo your pants and make sure the bottom of the shirt is smooth against your underwear. Most every button down shirt you buy has extra buttons sewn at the bottom. If they had little loops on the side of your pants where you could button the flap, it might help.

This is why I don't wear clothing unless necessary.


You are a single man going on a date with an attractive woman. You are going to a restaurant and have a reasonable expectation of amorous activity.

What is the proper meal to choose to avoid any gastro-related fuckups between paying the bill, having a nightcap, and hitting the sack? Obviously, you have to consider the type of restaurant, the portion, the effect on your bowels, and not looking like a pussy with your order. Yes, my bathroom is adjacent to my bedroom, why do you ask?


White and brown food. Steak and potatoes. Any food that had bold colors – fiery red tomatoes, leafy greens – that's just asking for a Fiesta Melt in your toilet.


I live in a middle class neighborhood in suburban Minneapolis (btw, it's true that the heavy stuff ain't quite at its heaviest). Anyway, my house and all the others on my block are on an alley. It is standard practice for everyone on the alley to leave their garbage cans right on the alley all week. My wife and I have the smallest garbage bin allowed because it's just the two of us and she is a compulsive recycler, so we don't have much trash anyway.

Twice in the last 5 weeks, I've taken our garbage out to the alley on Tuesday night and found that someone had already placed several garbage bags in our small bin. Our garbage would barely fit and I ran the risk of being fined for an over-full garbage. The first time it happened, I chalked it up as a random act of douchebaggery. This week, I was filled with a murderous rage.

As I was standing by my garbage can simmering with rage, I started to wonder what I'd do if I actually caught someone doing this a third time. I think the very least I would do is unleash an semi-Earl Weaveresque profanity and spittle laced tirade and then file trespassing charges - even if the person were an 80 year old lady. My other idea was to pummel the person with a claw hammer.

My question is: am I overreacting to this? My take is that anyone who would repeatedly do this kind of thing is such a massive fuckface that they deserve some fairly severe retribution (maybe being assaulted with a claw hammer is a bit overboard, but still). Or am I the asshole for getting so angry about this? Thanks.


I say it's a dick move to repeatedly hog someone else's trash can space. But you're like me. I'm a total old man now. If someone drives too quick through our neighborhood, or puts their shit in my garbage, I get all mad, THEN I get mad at myself for acting like an old tightass. It's always more fun to be the person ruining shit than being the person who has their shit ruined. Adulthood BLOWS.

Share This Story