I thought 2008 would be our year. I really did. After all, if a black man can be elected President (hopefully), then a white person could break 10 seconds, right? But the 100 meters came and went and once more the fastest white man in the history of the universe remains some guy named Marian Woronin from Poland who ran a 10.00 flat forty years ago. (That's him in the picture—the fastest man our race has ever produced.) Since then the closest we've come is Australia's Matt Shirvington and Nic Macrozanaris of Canada. Both men came within a few hundredths of a second of breaking 10. Where have you gone Marian Woronin, a white nation turns it's lonely eyes to you? Usain Bolt's new Olympic record is 9.69. You've all seen it. How he paused at the end and seemed to taunt all the white people in the world. Thinking to himself as he slowed up, "See, white people, I spit on you and your ten seconds." Yep, the world record is now .31 seconds faster than a white person has ever run in recorded history. I'm not asking for the incredible—a win—or the amazing—a medal—I'm just asking that somewhere in the white universe there emerge a sprinter who can actually break 10 seconds in the 100 meters. Is that too much to ask? Too much to dream that somewhere from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado to Stone Mountain of Georgia, a white man can run 100 meters in less than 10 seconds? Yes. This white shame is, surprisingly, not discussed in public. It's our own private shame—a failing of our fast-twitch muscles that leaves us all quietly ashamed as the Olympics come and go. We see the white sprinters lining up to race and, before anything even happens, we know exactly what Asian men feel like when they show up to audition at porno shoots. No matter what happens, come hell or high-stepping, we are not breaking our own white maginot line. The clock is not rolling beneath 10 seconds. Sure the white wide receiver is mocked, the white defensive back searched for vainly, but it's important to note that they exist. There are fast white wide receivers and fast white defensive backs (if you count the safety position), but there are no white sprinters who have ever broken 10 seconds. None, zero. Why are white people so slow? How is it possible that there are a billion of us currently living and not a single damn one of us can break 10 seconds? I have ten hypotheses: 1. Our gigantic penises don't fit in the track suits and cause too much wind shear. (If only this were true.) 2. We are too busy being the agents for fast black people. 3. The patron saint of white people everywhere, Morgan Freeman, has refused all requests to become white national track coach. "Well, (long, tremulous pause) I just don't think (long, tremulous pause) I can." 4. Bob Costas gave up his promising track career to participate as a 1984 Olympic gymnast instead. There's a reason he and Mary Lou Retton are never in the same room at the same time. 5. We were never slaves or indentured servants. Except, you know, for when we were. 6. Our attempt to claim Carl Lewis for our own was stolen away. (Black people disavow all knowledge of Carl Lewis's blackness except for a few seconds of race time in 1984,1988, and 1992.) 7. The 100 meters is racist. 8. Since 1992's White Men Can't Jump we've been focused on proving we can jump. Really, we can. Brent Barry is awesome. High five. 9. There were no lions and tigers in Europe to run from. 10. Aeons ago on the fertile and heat-drenched plains of Africa, before our white ancestors departed on the land bridge for Europe, black people drafted running and we drafted swimming at the racial sports draft. Never the twain shall meet. Hypotheses notwithstanding, it's time for a Manhattan Project on white speed. I want Balco mobilized; I want us to bring in the white accountants who made Enron possible, sit them down in chairs and tell them they can't leave until they've figured out a way for white people to cheat more efficiently. I want to do the impossible—I don't want to put a man on the moon—I want to move a white man 100 meters in less than ten seconds. We can do it white people—tears are streaming down my face—we can do it! Or we can spend another four years dreaming for the impossible to happen. For one among our billion, to stride forth faster than any of us have ever striven before. Nope, it's time to do what white people do best...cheat.
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