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Old You Vs. Young You: WHO YA GOT?!

FunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag.

Letter time…


At what age could you no longer dominate your younger self in drunken hand to hand combat? I believe we get wiser with age, and that I have acquired some guile and ninja skills in my 29 years that should be able to beat the shit out of myself as a 20-year-old cocky frat boy throwing haymakers. That being said, eventually age must catch up with you, in fact it is very possible that my "wisdom" is overconfidence and myself at 20 would mop the floor with me now. I still think I have until at least 35 before a younger version has any chance, but when do most guys start heading in the wrong direction when it comes to a drunken brawl with themselves?


Well, it's hard to answer because you'd need a set age for your "younger self." No two people age the exact same way. Maybe you were fat as a 23-year-old, then got into fantastic shape at 40. Maybe 40 is the pinnacle of your drunken fighting abilities. It's never the same for any two people. You could do a spreadsheet of your entire life up till now and try and discern which age would beat which. 20-year-old you would beat up 6-year-old you. But 19-year-old you might beat the piss out of 26-year-old you. You could do a whole matrix of these combinations.

I'm not sure about you, but I was at my strongest in college because that's when you have the most time to go to the gym and do bench press and curls and GRRRR LOOK AT ME BICEPS POWER AGILITY GRRRRRRR. Also, I only had one back surgery under my belt back then. I don't think I could beat myself at 10 right now if I had the chance. One swing and suddenly the sciatica is back. Whatever prime I had, I'm past it. I'll never be as strong as I was when I was 20 or so. I could bench with a plate on each side and everything! HERCULES HERCULES!!!! *CLAPCLAPCLAP*


I don't even go near the bench press anymore. I'm terrified of how far I've fallen. I bet I couldn't bench press a sewing kit. (Though I do have some semblance of dad strength now. I'm not sure how dad strength factors in here.)

On other note about Steve's question: Everyone SHOULD be able to travel back in time to fight their younger selves. God, I was such a mouthbreathing fuckhead at 17. I was so fat and slovenly. I was the sloppy kid from Bad Santa. I'd love to hop in a time machine and pummel the fuck out of myself. SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PARTY NAKED, KID.



What would be wrong with this in the event of a lockout: We all just agree that a simulated Madden Season would be televised, gambled upon, and treated like any other NFL season. I'd certainly take than have no football, simulated or otherwise.


I would as well. Even though it would screw over NFL players and give NFL owners a decided edge at the bargaining table that they don't deserve, I'd absolutely watch a simulated season from start to finish. I assume the game is smart enough now where it can also simulate its own suspensions for conduct detrimental to the team, and concoct any number of press conference quotes and postgame tweets that can be immediately blown out of proportion. I'd also love to see how people reacted when the computer decided to randomly injure their favorite player. Like, if Peyton Manning went down in Week 2, you can't tell me all the fat humps in Indy wouldn't be crying out that the computer was rigged to make that happen on purpose.

I'd far rather watch a simulated season than see replacement players pressed into action. In fact, I'm not sure why NFL Network doesn't air an entire simulated NFL season in the offseason, so that I can watch live football even when there's no live football. Sure, you could do this at home if you own a PlayStation anyway. But this would allow you to hold offseason fantasy leagues and all that shit. Much more communal that way. And free agents are synced up with rosters immediately. I'd be all for it.



If you had pick a celebrity who you were deprived of seeing naked in their prime, but were somehow able to get nude pictures of, who would you choose? My boyhood crushes were Elle Macpherson and Christie Brinkley. Elle has provided me countless hours of enjoyment, but I always felt cheated that I was deprived of seeing the former Mrs. Billy Joel's (that lucky fucker) goodies. You don't know how hard as a kid I attempted to get a better angle on the TV during the pool scene in Vacation. By the way, I would still definitely like to see Ms. Brinkley in the buff today.


She still looks pretty fantastic. Usually, when you get to see an actress naked, it happens long after she's in her 20's and needs to do a Playboy shoot to get her career back on trajectory (which never works, by the way). Cindy Margolis didn't pose nude for Playboy until she was 40 years old, which is annoying.

Anyway, I think the answer to that question is probably Scarlett Johansson, who is actually in her prime as we speak, right this very minute. But time's running out! Get that woman naked before it's too late! Don't let those titties go to waste!


I bet a naked picture of Scarlett could command a pretty penny in today's economy. I wonder if it would fetch more than a nude picture of Jackie O in her 20's. I think it would. I think Jackie O would get a higher price than Kate Beckinsale, but a lower price than ScarJo. And Lady Gaga's nude photo would fetch three cents. I was going to add Jennifer Lopez to this list, but then I remembered she did that scene in U-Turn where Nick Nolte is giving it to her from behind and I really regret ever bringing that memory back to the fore. AND HE WAS HER DAD IN THE MOVIE! GAHHHHHHH!!!

When I was a kid, there were all sorts of famous women I was dying to see naked, but those people aren't as hot in retrospect. My taste in women back then wasn't very good. Like Starr from "The Arsenio Hall Show." I would have given anything to see her naked. No clue why. Dice Clay was right about her nose. I think just wanted to see anyone naked. My standards weren't terribly high.



Listing for senior citizen's calendar.

Interesting idea.


That's an even better idea than a simulated NFL replacement season!


I always pee at work while visualizing a tiny David Lee Roth scaling the marble wall behind the urinal while "Just Like Paradise" plays in my head.

So the real question is - was that really Diamond Dave rock climbing?

Only one way to know for sure…

I think it is! I feel like that's the perfect Discovery Channel show right there. ROTH VS. WILD.


In retrospect, that video is astonishingly gay. It's amazing how much that went over my head as a kid. Seems fairly obvious looking at it now. I bet if you showed it to the Scissors Sisters, they'd be like, "Wow, that's pretty gay. Why is Dave dressed like a genie?"


The Royal We:

How many times have you driven on a highway, only to pass a poor ornithological being who has met his/her demise on that very stretch of pavement?

What bothers me: If I had fucking wings, there is no way in hell that a car would take me down!!! How the fuck do birds manage to get run over by cars? It's unfathomable!!! "Hey, I CAN FUCKING FLY. To pass the time, I think I'll plant myself on the New York State Thruway and see if I can dodge some ass-clown college student, driving home from Syracuse to Albany for winter break!!!"

If I had fucking wings, I'd perch my ass on a branch that had the perfect view into the hottest neighborhood MILF's window and I wouldn't move for shit!!! The gift of flight brings ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES!!! And you mean to tell me that these winged creatures still manage to meet their demise by way of a '94 Chevy Lumina?!?!?!

Imagine all of the shit that you would do if you had wings. Then, think of these fucktards who actually HAVE the ability to fly and still manage to plant their asses ON THE GROUND, only to get hit by a god damned car!!! I see at least one dead bird per highway mile. What the fuck are they thinking?!?!?!


I like the cut of your jib, sir. You and me, we could go bowling together.

Anyway, as human being, you get an advanced brain, a long lifespan, the ability to love and be loved, and the physical ability to drive motorcycles and stuff. Birds, on the other hand, have shit for brains and only get to mate by pressing cloacas together. So they get the wings. God like things evened out like that.



So, last night, it being a Friday night and all, made me primed to go out. We get to a bar we all go to often, and know most of the people working there. There has been a new, smoking hot girl working/training.

I began to interrogate the bartender I knew working about the hot new girl that I didn't know. She actually came over by me and my friends. Somehow, I got her number (I know this only because the next morning I found it written on a bar napkin). I did the obvious things, asked friends if I made an ass of myself, what have you, and they all said, "No, you were fine." But, turns out I texted her shortly after I left there. The text read, "Can I take you to dinner sometime."

No response. My questions:

1. We didn't trade numbers like calling each other's cell phone. She handed me her number on a napkin. Was the drunken text I sent dismissed because she didn't know who it was, or would she figure it was probably me?


I think, deep down in your heart, you know the answer to that question. You just don't want to admit it.

2. Do I text her today, saying "sorry for the drunk text, but the question was legit."


Jesus Christ, NO! What the fuck kind of follow-up text is that? "The question was legit"? You already sent her one bad text. No need to double down. WHAT IS WITH YOU KIDS THESE DAYS?

3. Do I play if off as nothing, and call her on Monday/Tuesday?

4. Again, I go to this bar often. Should I steer clear for a while?

5. Has that shipped sailed because of my drunken stupidity, or not?

I think you fucked up by sending that text after you left the bar. It was both hasty and poorly punctuated. You could probably try calling her a few days later and ignore the fact that you sent the text (I'd never recommend pointing out a previous glaring fuckup to a woman you're trying to screw), but I'd instead recommend going back to the bar a week later or so, talking to her briefly, and then maybe asking her out in person or by phone a few days later. You can't correct your fuckup by phone or text. You have to do it in person, in order to give the girl a new reason to like you and maybe give you another chance.


But yeah, chances are you really blew it. Amazing how fragile these situations are. I really wish women were more forgiving.


What if ejaculation had it's own distinct sound? I'm thinking like a sneeze or a fart: something that has its own unmistakable sound and can be heard from across a room. Or even worse, potentially in the next room. I have no clue what that would sound like, but I know it would have made living in the dorms a lot different.


Oh god, that would be horrible. Bad enough if you happen to make a noise with your mouth upon orgasm (and no guy ever sounds good while having an orgasm. It's just one big HURRRRRRRRRRR!!), I can't even imagine how bad life would be if you had a cumfart every time you jacked off. Ideally, it would sound like gunfire, or like a cash register, but biological functions never sound cool like that.

The fact that semen exits the penis silently is proof that God wants us to masturbate. If he didn't want us jacking it at every turn, he'd have installed a horrible GOOSH sound on all orgasming male prototypes. Instead, he made it a stealth operation: Silent, discreet, undetectable by sonar, able to be undertaken anywhere. He clearly wants us to make use of this penile cloaking device. So don't be ashamed when you're jerking off in the shitter at work. You were DESIGNED for that very purpose.


Royal Anteater:

What would be the magnitude of the fine/suspension if an NFL player whipped his dick out during an endzone celebration? I say about 150,000 dollars and a 6 game suspension.


Assuming a new collective bargaining agreement wouldn't limit Roger Goodell's authority to suspend and fine players, I think a player who whipped his dick out during a live game would be suspended for at least the rest of the season. Bare minimum. He'd certainly be suspended indefinitely. And that would be without pay. I can't imagine anything less. Add an extra year to the suspension if he does the helicopter with his dick after taking it out.

Imagine the media shitstorm that would take place if that occurred. Especially if the player were black and the cock were oversized. Cowherd would rail against that big black dong for WEEKS, he'd be so terrified by it. Ninety-five percent of all columnists would whip out the "Do we want our kids watching this?" card. The FCC would institute massive fines. It would be horrible, and now I'd really like to see it happen. Some brave young fellow out there has to be willing to take the risk.



What do you think the most underrated foodstuff is? My vote goes to Raspberry Jam.


It's hard to answer, because the whole "underrated/overrated" thing is so arbitrary. But I will say this: I have no clue why Nutella isn't a trillion dollar business here in America. Every home should have a fucking barrel of it sitting in the pantry. You can put it on bread, on ice cream, on waffles… there's no limit to its potential applications. I've never met anyone who hasn't liked Nutella. It's like spreadable sex.

And yet, the product is never advertised here in US. And not every grocery store stocks it. You can find ninety different kinds of peanut butter in a grocery store (yet oddly, you can't find peanut butter that has chocolate chips in it, which I'd eat by the tubful), but there remains only one brand of spreadable chocolate. Maybe the hazelnut thing isn't for everyone, but surely there could be a version of Nutella that's just regular chocolate without the hazelnut flavor. There should be vast aisles of chocolate spreads in your local Meijer, in endless varieties: raspberry, dark chocolate, caramel swirl, marshmallow swirl, peanut butter, etc. Chocolate sandwiches should have surpassed PB&J sandwiches a decade ago. I don't know how America — of all countries — has been so slow to adopt Nutella. Nutella gives me a boner.



Not sure what to get mom for Mother's Day?


Awww, so sweet!


What sports columnist/reporter would make the worst next-door neighbor? My vote is for Lupica. I have a terrible feeling that he would be a terrible prick and complain about my dog, my lawn, etc everyday. It also would be made even worse by his annoying voice. If the neighbor were a gun owner, that award easily goes to Buzz Bissinger.


Lupica is the winner, hands down. You can just picture Lupica — all three feet of him — standing angrily outside your yard, asking if you got the proper zoning permits to plant that shrub so close to his window. He's a fucking nightmare of a human being. He'd be worse than Mariotti. At least with Mariotti, you'd get to experience the catharsis of seeing a cop car pull up to his house every now and again. I also think Jim Nantz would be a terrible neighbor. Imagine that asshole judging your landscaping work every time he walked out the door. "Well, it's no Augusta." ENOUGH WITH THE AZALEAS, DICKHEAD.

And Kornheiser! Kornheiser would find something new to bitch about every day to your face. "Do you not SEE that those trash cans of yours are filled too high? Are you not STUNNED that raccoons have yet to pillage them?! If I'm your neighbor, I'm saying WHOA, THIS GUY DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO BE A GOOD CITIZEN."


You could easily expand this query to sports in general. Like, which sports figure would be the absolute worst to live next door to? It's Dennis Rodman, right? It has to be Rodman, with Lenny Dykstra and Jose Canseco also somewhere near the top. Any asshole who's gonna have four million cars parked outside his place and hookers throwing up on your patio is bad news.

(On the flipside, I'd give anything to live next door to Jake Plummer. I bet he invites neighbors over for free beer and handball all the time. What's that, Jake? You wouldn't mind looking after the kids for a few hours? YOU RULE.)



I have no idea if this was a lady driver or if she was crazy, but they're solid assumptions.


Agreed. Ever see a car on the road that you KNOW is trouble, so you make sure you're always at least one lane removed from it? That Catmerica car qualifies.



I am a graduate student at a large public university. I am also a TA, and therefore a faculty member. I try to work out each day, usually around lunch time. Afterwards I can either shower in the students' locker room or the faculty locker room. Which is weirder, sharing the shower room with a student or my (65 year old scottish) adviser?


I'd go with the student locker room. You're obviously not much older than most undergrad students, so I don't think there would be any creepy old man factor. Plus, avoiding the faculty locker room means you avoid wrinkled dongs AND old man toenails. I'd gladly pay $2,000 if it meant I never had to see any old man toenails the rest of my life. Some of those toenails… GUHHHHHHHH. Why must so many of them be black? They kill my very soul.

All of this is assuming the faculty locker room has no extra perks, such as a sauna, bigger lockers, and/or free grooming products. Those might tip the scale. I cherish large gym lockers.



If your team (the Cubs in my case) were guaranteed to win the World Series (or Stanley Cup or Super Bowl or whatever) with the express condition that you could never watch a game or the highlights of your team that year, would you suck it up for the greater good then wait for the Championship DVD?


No. That would destroy the whole point of following them to begin with. If you can't be there every step of the way, you'll just feel like shit about it until the day you die. THAT'S A GARBAGE WIN.

Time for your email of the week. Reader Rob sends in a story I call MCHALE'S POOPY.



A while ago, my cousin enlisted in the Navy. For months, he spent hours on my computer filling out paperwork and sending emails and doing a bunch of other shit. Anyway, all the crap that he had downloaded and stored was making my computer unbearably slow. So one day, already knowing that he was fully enlisted, I deleted all his shit because I couldn't take it anymore.

A couple of days later, he sits at my computer. After a few minutes, he asks "Hey where's my folder?" I turn to him and say, "I deleted it." The look of horror on his face was indescribable. I thought he was going to cry. Apparently, the folder contained some documents that would have let him stay here longer while he studied at a local university but instead, now, he had to ship out immediately. I felt bad but, what the fuck? He was going to leave anyway, what's the big deal? Who signs up to the Navy anyway? That asshole.

Flash-forward to later that night. I'm watching TV and my cousin and my brother walk in the house laughing their asses off. I ask what's so funny, but they say nothing and continue to try to muffle their laughter. After a little more of me asking, they tell me to go outside. I go outside and I see a huge, disgusting turd on my fucking windshield. My cousin, in his attempt to get back at me, hopped up on top of my car and took a nasty shit on my windshield. Who the fuck does that? How would that even cross into a normal person's mind?

Oh, and it doesn't end there. I immediately start cleaning all the shit off of my car with the hose. When I was finished, I remembered that I had to return a movie at Blockbuster. So, I jump in my car and head over there. While I'm driving, I smell something putrid. I reach down to grab my shoe and I get shit all over my hand. Not dog shit but fucking human, disgusting shit. And I was midway to Blockbuster. So I immediately turn around, driving with one hand, trying not die from the disgusting stench and also trying not to throw up from the thought of my cousin's nasty shit all over my arm. I get home and clean up and I'm fucking steaming. These assholes were still there and again were cracking up at the site of me with shit all over my arm.

So that brings me to now. I have to get back at that bastard but what can really top that? The only thing would be to cum in his face, right? I'm gonna wait until he falls asleep on my couch one day and I'm going to beat off and cum in his face. Top that you son of a bitch!!! What do you think?


Uh… Well, I like the revenge idea, that's for certain. But I think the whole "masturbate in his presence while he's sleeping thing" might actually backfire on you. You know, it could kind of give people the wrong idea. And by "wrong idea," I mean, "redneck homosexual cousin lover." Don't get me wrong. I'm not against using cum. Maybe if you collected your sample in another room. I think that might be more pleasant. Or just watch from afar as he's killed in Iraq. I bet that would be fun.

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