Get fuckin' pumped, America, because Paula Deen is back, and this time, it's ... uh ... a subscription-based online network where you can pay to watch old episodes of her bad TV shows, instead of watching them for free on a different website, or not watching them at all. Hardcore.

"Who is this even for?" you ask, shaking your head slowly and making a face like you just looked up the word munging on Urban Dictionary. "Who in the god damn hell wants to pay $120 per year to watch a disgraced, demented, racist old lady fisting bacon and cheese into a goddamn mound of ground beef? What is wrong with humanity?"

It's a bleak and scary world out there, disordered and howling with mystery; its shadowed corners and obscure nooks teem with madness and deep-fried cheesecake. Maybe if I subscribe to Paula Deen's online network, you think, maybe I will learn something of my fellow man, of his dark desires and grim fascinations. To know is better than to guess.

No. Resist. I will save you 10 bucks: Butta butta butta, yawl yawl yawl, frahd fewd frahd fewd frahd fewd. Man is a pig. The abyss is all around you.


Don't watch Paula Deen's TV shows.