Try walking into the Met with your head full of shrooms. Yeah granted all the people in there will make you terrified of the actual walking up, but once you get into the modern European exhibit with huge paintings of Napoleon looking over huge swaying battle scenes or 7 foot tall graphics of naked ladies then you will instantly applaud your choice of coming to the Met on shrooms. And the best part? It's an art museum! So you standing in front of any Van Gogh for twenty minutes as you watch flowers dance in front of you will only have you heralded by the museum staff as someone who's "really into art."


Yep, I need to do that.


What's the best monopoly to have in Monopoly? Gotta be the oranges, right?

I concur. Whenever I play Monopoly, I target the oranges as fast as humanly possible, and if someone manages to buy New York Avenue from me before I land on it, I curse at them and threaten them with physical violence.


The oranges are perfect because you can build up hotels on them relatively quickly and start getting that sweet rent money into your coffers. They're just the right price. The light blues are too cheap. No one gives a shit if they hit the hotel on Oriental Avenue. It's Oriental! IT'S CHEAP AND DIRTY AND A STAY THERE COSTS YOU NOTHING.

Whereas New York Avenue, that's when you finally get into four-figure rents. Plus, because New York Avenue is right before Free Parking, EVERYONE lands on it because God is cruel and loves to fuck people over like that. I think New York Avenue gets more hits on the Monopoly board than all of the CHANCE spaces combined.


By the way, anyone else throw out the "repairs" fee CHANCE cards before they play any game of Monopoly? I DO. Because I am a horrible person.

John M.:

I'm in the Air Force and have been in for 9 years now. This is previous iteration of the Airman's Manual from 1999.

Fast forward to page 49 of the .pdf.

Check out the bullet points images: airplanes. Look to the immediate right of that. There's a cartoon representation of the World Trade Center in crosshairs.

Now is that creepy or is that fucking creepy?




Here's a picture I took of a car in front of me in the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru in Long Beach, CA this past Saturday. No explanation necessary. I didn't get a good look at the driver so I don't know if she's telling the truth. Still, I appreciate her positive message.


She has big breasts and she likes chicken? MARRIAGE MATERIAL.


I was watching TV the other day and that Travelers Insurance commercial came on where all the animals in the animal kingdom are friends and having a great time at some African watering hole. Anyway, my wife says something about how it would be cool if animals were really like that and I immediately said, "Um, no. What if they formed some super animal alliance and decided to turn on humans and take over?" She promptly called me an idiot (rightly so) and went to sleep. However, WHAT IF. Animal kingdom (this includes insects) vs. Humans.

I say animals make us their sex slaves and lunch meat in less than 48 hours. There is no way we'd be able to keep hoards of spiders from biting us in our sleep. Insect nets? Animals with claws will solve that problem. Basically I stayed up way late thinking about how badly animals could own us if they ever decided to do so. Horses would surely rape our women (and men) while lions held our necks in their jaws while we watched. So terrifying.


I dunno, man. I think we'd still beat them. Haven't we already established our clear dominance over animals already? We have guns and tanks and nukes and all kinds of other crazy shit. Bugs and vermin always try and break into our homes, often to meet their doom at the hands of a glue trap or my size 12 Merrells (with the cushioned insole, I could kill all day!). Most of the most dangerous animals out there are already endangered. We could knock off the five remaining elephants in no time flat. And have cold elephant for lunch the next day! DELISH.

The only place we'd get owned would be the oceans. If all the sharks and electric eels and stinging box jellyfish (look it up and be horrified) decided to aggressively patrol our coastline, we'd never go in the ocean ever again. Until we killed them all by dumping arsenic-laced petroleum into the water. Then they'd all perish and we'd finally have the sea to ourselves. VICTORY.



If someone had the ability to travel back to the Revolutionary War with a single M16/big fucking gun with a shitload of ammo, couldn't a single soldier kill the entire British army? Wouldn't that be the coolest thing ever? If I could do this I would.


You still wouldn't be able to kill an entire army because they'd have muskets and one of those little balls would eventually get you. Even if you go back before that, you'd still have to face down bows and arrows and blowguns and any other kind of primitive long-range weaponry, all of which would probably bring you down if 10,000 guys were aiming for you. If you're in some sort of fortified sniper position, where arrows can't hit you, then it's a matter of you being able to kill off an army fast enough to prevent one of the soldiers from reaching you and killing you hand to hand. To ascertain just how many people you can kill before this happens, I direct you to the most scientific killing simulation ever devised: SMASH TV

Man, I loved that game.

Time for your email of the week. Kethia, email the tips line for your prize. Time for a GREAT MOMENT IN POOP HISTORY. I call this one NIGHT AT THE POOPERA:


A Mexican guy entered the bathroom right before I did when I was at a casino. As soon as the door behind me closed, he started singing in Spanish...loudly. I went to a urinal to pee and he went to the toilet to shit. He took a loud, nasty shit and continued singing the whole time without the slightest grunt or break in song. And here's the thing, he was really good. He could have been an opera singer. If I had closed my eyes, I would have thought I was listening to Andrea Bocelli remixed with a fart noises. I find it really hard to pee whenever someone is watching me. I found out that day it's also really hard to pee when a Mexican guy is shitting and singing in Spanish at the same time.