When Philip Rivers threw his second touchdown pass in Monday night’s game against the Steelers, ESPN’s cameras caught him punching something out of midair. Some people thought it was a bird, but it was just his glove. That’s still a weird routine, but not nearly as violent.

What if Rivers did punch a bird, though? That’d be a hell of a celebration. Imagine the chaos. Jets staff rounding up pigeons for the players in Manhattan before a home game. Players being fined for DraftKings-sponsored parrots. Maybe it’d turn into a league-wide scandal, and force the NFL to crack down on bird violence after touchdowns (and air a carefully produced commercial to show it cares about ornithological causes). The fiasco would end with Jimmy Graham spiking a cockatiel after scoring, and getting suspended two games.


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