President Trump: I’m Going To Serve Fast Food Burgers And Pizza To The Clemson Football Team [Update]

The Clemson Tigers, 15-0 and national champions, will make the traditional national championship team visit to the White House tonight. That this visit is happening during a government shutdown has rankled some, especially since not every team is even invited anymore. (Villanova didn’t get one. The Red Sox did. The Eagles were uninvited and the Warriors disinvited in a huff. Whatever.)

Anyway, fear not! Our incredibly normal president made a statement on the issue today that is sure to quell all debate about the visit.

Here’s a transcript:

Clemson championship team, the national championship team, will be coming tonight and it’ll be exciting. Very great team, unbelievable team. They’ll be coming tonight. And I think we’re going to serve McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger Kings with some pizza. I really mean it. It will be interesting. And I would think that’s their favorite food. So we’ll see what happens. But they’re coming tonight, the national champions, subject to the weather.

Donald Trump does lie constantly, consistently, at every opportunity. And there’s a possibility he’s joking that either a) the government is shut down, so they’ll have to order fast food for the kids, or b) that college kids have a similar diet to that of our current president, which consists almost entirely of junk food, desserts, and bowls of rice.

But I think we can take Trump at his word here. He really is going to serve McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and that classic side dish, Burger Kings With Some Pizza. Honestly, that sounds like a great meal. A fast food smorgasbord fit for champions! I picture the Clemson football team, wandering the halls of an empty, darkened White House, holding pizza in one hand and burgers in another.

UPDATE (5:59 p.m. ET): As I surmised, Trump was serious. A White House spokesperson confirmed to CNN that Trump is actually paying for the food for the 76 Clemson players (plus coaches and other administration) making the trip to Washington. Yes, Trump is so cheap he’s only buying these kids fast food.

Ordering fast food for dinner is a classic parent move for when everything in the house is going to hell. But I don’t know why the White House didn’t just have the furloughed staff come in and work the event. What would be more appropriate at a celebration of college football than people working for free?