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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Rams Unveil Uniforms Fit For Selling Laundry Detergent

In true L.A. fashion (I guess), the Rams were the last to reveal their new look for the upcoming season. They had a pretty low bar to clear after their logo unveiling, and yet still somehow tripped over it. To wit:

Illustration for article titled Rams Unveil Uniforms Fit For Selling Laundry Detergent
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The color of the road jerseys is called “bone.” Bone. Which follows perfectly, I suppose, after you released a logo that was overtly phallic. Clearly there’s a theme the Rams are going for here, which I guess makes sense when you’re in the hub of the porn industry. As they’re only in L.A. thanks to a Jerry Jones fever dream, their phallocentric branding only makes more sense.

Aside from the off-whites, which will just make you think you need to change the levels on your TV, the Rams have changed their helmets from what used to be a ram’s horn to what looks like a logo for a laundry detergent.

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Illustration for article titled Rams Unveil Uniforms Fit For Selling Laundry Detergent

Either that or some ’70s band lame attempts at an iconic symbol.

The other kick here is that the numbers on the home jersey have a gradient, going from the sharp yellow to white at the bottom, which will make it look like they faded in the wash. Which wouldn’t be much of an ad for the detergent they’re boasting on their helmets.

The Rams will bounce between yellow pants, though they’re calling them Sol, which I can only assume is derived from the color of your urine after drinking that very underrated Mexican beer, and blue pants, which is labeled “Royal.” If you combine the three official color names you get “Royal Sol Bone,” which is either the name of the lost Prince album we’ll be treated to in the future or some clown’s attempt at pronouncing the most famous university in Paris. The all-blue look makes them look like something out of an 8-bit video game, as do all monochromatic looks really.

They certainly won’t look as good as their roommates in SoFi Stadium, the Chargers. But when no one’s in the stadium, does it really matter? And I mean in 2023, not during the quarantine.

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Miranda Priestley rating: Shake of the head

Have you ever looked at a dollar bill, man?

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