Rex Ryan, Please Stop Body-Shaming Your Beautiful Brother

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According to Fox Sports' Mike Garafolo, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan was talking some mess about the appearance of his brother, Saints defensive coordinator Rob Ryan.

Here's Garafolo:

Strong quote from Rex Ryan half in jest re: his brother Rob not changing his image/appearance: "He won't get his hair cut and is keeping that belly. 'I'm gonna be a head coach and do it my way.' No you're not. It's unfortunate. I'm still trying to get that message across to him."


Okay, Rex, let's stop right there. You need to fall back, my man, and leave your brother the hell alone. I can't even believe I need to tell you this, but your brother is beautiful just the way he is. Look at this man:


You're really going to sit there and tell me that this gorgeous wolfman needs to trim his locks, and that a man who is the very definition of "large and in charge" for some reason needs to be less large and less in charge? Get out of here, you idiot!

Don't listen to squares like your brother, Rob. They are just trying to tame you, to get you to sell out so that they don't feel so bad about having been subsumed by the tapioca-flavored ethos of the NFL themselves. Keep being the dude who will walk off a job and go straight to McDonald's. Keep being the dude who deems a trip to the airport without an armful of pizzas to be a wasted trip. Keep being the dude who understands that life is a draft meant to be taken in with long, luxurious quaffs. Howl, wolfman! Howl!