Ritual Pierogi Guy Sacrifice Sure To Fix Things In Pittsburgh

What do you do when you're on a 12-game losing streak, rank 30th in hits, are dead last in the National League Central, and have such a defunct PR apparatus that you have to rehire your GM in secret?

Fire one of the pierogi guys, obvs! ("Defunct PR apparatus", etc.)

Even taken in the context of the Pirates, even taken in the context of the long slow wrenching decline of the Rust Belt, when someone like 24-year-old Andrew Kurtz, who earns $100 a month donning a Jalepeno Hanna costume and racing Cheese Chester during the fifth inning of Pirates games in a vain but well-intentioned effort to distract fans from their existential torment, is fired for something he did on Facebook, I have to pause and consider the notion that maybe, this time, this civilization really has hit a new low. Of course, it all depends on what he wrote…

Okay!

Coonelly extended the contracts of Russell and Huntington through the 2011 season. That means a 19-straight losing streak. Way to go Pirates.

And for our next PR sensation, we'll be re-branding the team "Somali Pirates"…