Sheriff Bud Selig, All Over The Case

Look out, Barry; you're really in trouble now. Bud Selig reportedly is ready to announce that Major League Baseball is launching an investigation into steroid use (insert dramatic music here). So as you can see, the jig is up. There's absolutely nowhere players like Bonds can hide. Having Bud Selig on your tail is like ... is like, um, well, here's a list of things it's like:

• Any threat made during professional wrestling. • Bill O'Reilly saying that callers who misbehave on his show are going to "get a visit from Fox Security." • Your mother slapping you lightly on the wrist for taking a cookie before dinner. • Alex Rodriguez staring out at the mound, daring to sprint out there after a brushback. • Don Quioxte attacking any fixed fortification.

Many other examples come to mind, such as Asa, the sleepy 90-year-old bank security guard on The Andy Griffith Show, but you get the idea. According to several sources, Selig is ready to announce that former Senate majority leader George Mitchell will lead an investigation into performance enhanching substance abuse in baseball, with Bonds the guest of honor. (Mitchell is a part-owner of the Red Sox, by the way). Selig's motivations are clear: Bonds is closing in on two hallowed baseball records, and sponsors are getting nervous. With those factors bearing down on him, Selig has to look like he's doing something. But it's a toothless, futile gesture. First of all, it would seem any investigation would have to be so wide-ranging that Bonds could either surpass Ruth and Aaron or retire before it can be completed. And secondly: We're still talking about Selig here; we still imagine his VCR flashing 12:00 as he looks on in frustration.

As usual, Pedro Gomez is all over this story, informing us that Bonds has no comment at this time.

'Roid Probe is Ready [New York Daily News] Everybody Hates Barry, Even Pepsi [Deadspin] Baseball to Open Steroids Inquiry [SF Gate]