If you broke the day down into 24 one-hour intervals, what would be your favorite and least favorite hours of the day?

My least favorite would be 7am-8am (there's bad traffic, you're barely awake but trying to make your way to your horrible job, and the sun is blindingly bright and shines directly into your face while driving. I don't know how there aren't 500 sunlight-related car accidents in every major city each morning). My favorite hour would be 10pm-11pm (the roads are clear, it's quieter, but it's not so late that places aren't open and you're too tired to function).


I hate doing this, but it completely depends on whether or not you have children. If you're single, the best time of day is 6 p.m.-7 p.m., when you've gotten off of work, made it through your commute, and can begin eating/drinking/painting your face for the hockey game. They call 5-7 p.m. "Happy Hour" for a reason. You're just starting your night and it hasn't gone off the rails yet, with you all alone at midnight, drinking straight Mr. Clean and lying in a puddle of your own diarrhea. Happy Hour is your best time of day, and your worst time of day is, like you said, in that 7 a.m. to 8 a.m. hour where you have to wake up and deal with your fucking commute*.

But if you're a parent, it's completely different. 6 p.m.-7 p.m. BLOWS, because the kids are in the middle of their putdown phase, when you have to bathe them and read to them and feed them a goddamn snack because they wouldn't eat dinner. It's not quite the worst time of day (that would be the 3 p.m.-4 p.m. or 4 p.m.-5 p.m. witching hour, where it's not quite dinnertime yet and everyone is bored senseless so the kids start throwing rocks at windows), but it's definitely not the best. The best time of day for any parent is right around 9 p.m. to 10 p.m., when the kids are asleep for good and you can watch TV or read a book or have sex in peace and quiet. It's bliss. Woe to the child who gets up and fucks with that hour. I won't have it.


(*This applies to single working people. If you're a single college student, every hour of the day is the best. Also, go to hell.)

When I was a kid, I was living in the Midwest and 7 p.m. was a big deal because that was right when primetime TV started. Like, HOORAY NEW SHOWS. And even now I get an odd bit of excitement when 8 p.m. Eastern rolls around. Then I'll check the guide and nothing decent will be on until 10 p.m. Stupid TV.



I just got hitched three weeks ago and I can't stop playing with the wedding ring. The wife is already on me to leave it alone but obviously spinning it and otherwise using it as a new toy is all that's consumed me since pretty much the day after the wedding. Does that ever stop? And what's the etiquette on washing hands/showering/swimming with it on? I usually take it off for such things but I fear that I'm being a mamby-pamby about that.


It calms down eventually, as you get used to having it on and it's no longer such a novelty to you. In a month or so, it will feel natural to be wearing it at all times—in the shower, at the pool, while fingering a monkey, etc. You shouldn't ever take it off for any of those things. The only time you should take off the ring is if you're lifting weights or forcefully gripping some textured piece of equipment that can seriously scratch the ring up (they get scratched up regardless, but I'm talking about deep grooves that you don't want). I don't like taking it off ever because I'm the sort of person who would lose it instantly, and I don't want my wife to yell at me if that happens. Also, OUR LOVE SPELL WOULD BE BROKEN.

My favorite thing to do with a wedding ring is to make a fist and just stare at the thing, like I'm the Dark Lord Sauron wearing the ring of power. I also think about punching another man in the face and having the ring do an extra bit of skin-splitting. It makes me feel like a real man. And then I go wash the mildew out of sippy cup valves because my wife asked me to.



So I recently have started looking for a job. My current job's severance runs out in a month and I want to land somewhere safely employed soon. A firm I interviewed with has a VP of sales. I wanted to do research on him before the interview, so I looked him up and oh holy shit look what I found...

Offense: More Than Once Promoting/Possessing Sexual Performance by a Child
Risk Level: Moderate

It has his picture and address and it's definitely him. Can I work for a sex offender? How can I possibly keep this to myself if so? What does More Than Once mean!?


Well, look on the bright side. You're not a child, so he won't want to molest YOU. That's good to know! It sounds to me as if he was caught a couple of times with kiddie porn, which is horrible and grotesque and would be impossible to keep out of your mind when he's asking you for your TPS reports. Then again, maybe he's kept his nose clean, or whatever other body part he was required to keep clean, ever since. Maybe he's a nice guy apart from the whole CHILD ABUSING MONSTER part. And think of the blackmail potential! You could get the keys to the executive washroom if you ever threatened to out him.

If I were in desperate need of a job and the only one readily available was working under a kiddie porn enthusiast, I'd still probably take the job anyway and see if I could stomach it. A man's gotta eat. I just wouldn't go out to happy hour with Stan, especially if he wants to spend it at the local Chuck E. Cheese's.



At what age do you think North West will first see the porn tape of her mom? Typically at schools the younger grades have their own fenced off areas, separate recess times, and their own buses. But once she enters the general population, I say 7 years old.


Who says that kid will go to school? That kid will probably have private "tutors" who let her eat Sweet Tarts for eight hours a day. The only thing she's gonna learn is how to yell at the help. By age 12, she'll have bodyguards carrying her up the Great Wall of China. I bet the first time she sees the Kim/Ray J video is when her own mother shows it to her at age 11 or so. It will be a valuable lesson in personal branding!



About five years ago a ladyfriend of mine moved out of state. Once she moved, we learned that we both had the hots for each other. We decided to consummate this knowledge by sending each other pictures of our naughty bits. Hooray technology! After a month or so we both moved on to other things and it all stopped without any physical interaction ever occurring.

Flash forward to the present. I'm engaged to a girl I met a couple years after the boobie picture girl, who has since moved back to where I am. The two became good friends among our circle and my fiancee has asked her to be one of her bridesmaids.

Picture Girl and I never spoke of those events again and we both seem happy pretending it never happened. I have no clue if she told anyone in our circle, but I'm guessing not. In the name of the sanctity of marriage, do I tell my fiancee that I've seen one of her bridesmaids spread eagle in a bathroom mirror? Or do I take this info to the motherfucking grave?


To the grave. It's too late to tell her now because she'll be upset that you never mentioned it before. If you had mentioned it right away, as they were becoming good friends, it probably would have been all right (provided you kept it vague: "Oh, we had a mutual crush on each other for a bit. ISN'T LIFE WACKY?" Not: "Hey, I've seen a picture of her biscuit").

But if you mention it now, it makes it seems like you were keeping it from her because you still wanna sex up the bridesmaid. She'll be upset with you AND she'll banish Picture Girl, and then Picture Girl will ALSO hate you for mentioning it when you didn't have to.


I would keep it to yourself and, if you haven't already, DELETE THE PHOTO. You don't get to have your boobie picture and eat it too. You're also just gonna have to trust that Picture Girl deleted your dong shot and has the brains not to mention it to your lady after too many glasses of Pinot. GIRLS BE TALKIN'.


What do you think about other sports incorporating the concept of pit stops instead of timeouts? Imagine basketball with only 5 guys, no timeouts, no substitutions. You can leave the court to rest as often as you like to rest or confer with the coach, but the other team can keep going.


But then neither team would take a pit stop and several players would die of exhaustion and/or dehydration. Sounds appealing to me!

Frankly, I'm not even sure timeouts should exist. TV broadcast reasons aside, why give them out? All they do is cause coaches headaches and make asshole fans think they know precisely when to use them. There are already plenty of breaks in the game. Why does your stupid team deserve more? Sounds like another BIG GUBMINT handout. I bet if you got rid of timeouts in the NFL and NBA, it would be fine.


Email of the week!


I had leftovers after a visit to Michael Jordan's Steakhouse in Chicago and they gave me a bag with his name printed across the side in giant letters to carry them home. As part of my personal green initiative, I used the bag to carry a few stray beers to a friend's house the other night.

When I arrived, the conversation quickly turned to the bag, and then somehow to whether Michael Jordan's Steakhouse actually served steaks cut from Michael Jordan.

That steak would likely be out of my price range.

That got me thinking, which celebrities and public figures would fetch the highest price if they were butchered into steaks? Which would be the cheapest? Would athletes fetch a higher price or would you prefer a more sedentary person of note? How do youth and beauty factor in? Who would you eat? Who's name on the menu would make you just get a salad? I have to think that the royal baby would fetch a high price right now.


Baby meat would definitely get a "market price" listing. You wouldn't want to eat a steak cut from Michael Jordan now. It would be old and stringy and taste like cigars. You need some fat on there. I bet Barkley would taste all right.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.