Signing Andy Goddamn Dalton is the most Bears move ever

From left: Mediocre quarterback, good quarterback, mediocre quarterback
From left: Mediocre quarterback, good quarterback, mediocre quarterback
Illustration: Getty Images

Fuck my entire life.

I guess I asked for it. I had the temerity to question whatever level of bullshit comes with Russell Wilson. I was clearly arguing about the curtains at Spahn Ranch.

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Andy Goddamn Dalton. Is there a more Bears move? Especially after getting basically the same thing last offseason in NIck Foles? Except this one doesn’t even have a five-game heater that ended in glory to his name? Andy Dalton. Without A.J. Green to cover up all the things he can’t do. Which is basically, “Everything but heave it up to A.J. Green.”

It’s truly bewildering, or at least it would be to anyone who hasn’t been getting spiritually swirlied as a Bears fan for their entire lives, that in a season where we were led to believe that both GM Ryan Pace and head coach Matt Nagy were fighting for their jobs, they’re going to bet everything on Andy Dalton. I know, when wagering a large sum of money at the track, that I always like to chuck all of it at whichever horse takes a shit last. Foolproof method, that.

So this means either these two clowns aren’t getting fired after this year no matter what, or they genuinely think Dalton is a solution, or they have an even more galaxy-brained answer that will assuredly cause half of Bears nation to stroke out (admittedly not quite the challenge it sounds at first). Perhaps in whatever pretzel logic passes for forward thought at 1920 Football Drive they figure they signed Mike Glennon once and then immediately drafted Mitch Trubisky without telling Glennon and that resulted in a 11-5 season a year and a half later, it might work again. This cavalcade of giblets still very well might trade for Russell Wilson and spend some $60 million on quarterbacks while my dog plays left tackle (and she can’t anchor for fuck all).

Signing Dalton is an admission you don’t have a plan this season, so you’re going to kick the can down the road a season, which fair enough, is a very Chicago solution to just about any problem we have. This is the scoop-and-toss of QB plans. The Bears didn’t suck quite enough to get in amongst the prime QBs in the draft, don’t have the movable assets to acquire Wilson or Watson and have anything leftover but Khalil Mack, cigarette butts, and Dorito dust. So they’ll just plug in this dope and hope it’s different next year, except everyone will be older.

This is the perfect example of an organization that has never had a plan, ever. It keeps hoping the guy below them has one, while that person hopes the guy above them has one, or they just all stare blankly at a wall. The owners are the boring-ass cousins of the Bluths. The GM tells everyone he met Drew Brees once. Their coach acts out the football version of A Beautiful Mind before they have John Nash committed. This is a group that actually said at their postseason press conference, “Well, if you judge us by other measures than wins and losses.” THERE ARE NO OTHER MEASURES! My buddies and I don’t gather around beers and reminisce about the time...fuck I don’t even know. The way they talked to the media?

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This is the foundational franchise of the entire league. This isn’t some expansion make-good like Houston or Cleveland. It’s not a strangely placed billionaire’s toy like Jacksonville. It’s the team that started the whole league. If this were the NBA the McCakseys would have been taken out back and shot years ago. The McCaskeys belong in the NHL where they can talk about tradition and legacy all they want and no one will notice or care.

The NFL is the only sport where one signing lets every fan know they’re in for four months of bilge and runoff by itself. The Bears have signed Dalton, put him on the con, and asked him to not touch anything. It’s going to be watching a team parallel park for 16 games.

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And you know the worst part? What Bears fans like me are really complaining about today? Is that we know that this was the only move for the Bears. They’re in a place where this is what makes the most sense. They never had the gas for Wilson, and would have to sell out the roster and draft to get him. They never were attractive enough for Watson. They weren’t even attractive enough for Carson Wentz. They weren’t bad enough to get the top QBs in the draft. They are literally nowhere. This assures that they won’t completely fuck over the future. It was their only play. They couldn’t do anything difference-making. We’re not shouting at Dalton. We’re shouting at the rain that brought him here.