Boreham Wood, in the sixth tier of English soccer, lost an FA Cup heartbreaker on Tuesday night at Carlisle United. Afterward, media accounts and photos showed the visitors' locker room to be a mess, including a tea kettle in a urinal, a broken door, and what was reportedly a puddle of urine on the floor. Boreham Wood won't stand for this defamation, and will sue every last one of you that maintains they pissed all over the joint.

"Every one of our players is willing to go to court—everybody," a team spokesman said today, as the team announced plans to pursue legal action against Carlisle. But the real gold is in an official statement on Boreham Wood's website, 1,400 angry, catty, gramatically questionable words about how Carlisle's ground is a dump to begin with. I cannot urge you enough to appreciate it in its complete glory.


But, some highlights.

On the pre-existing conditions in the locker room:

Our observations are that the dressing rooms at Carlisle are simply old and lack investment. In truth they are very shabby as is clearly shown in the pictures they sent and without being disrespectful they were dirty on arrival. However that is not our business and this is nothing that we do not encounter on an occasional basis in the non league world but we can categorically deny any wrong doing. The pathetic picture of a damaged door, appears to show a 60 year old red door or wood panel with a sixpence size hole that looks like it has been damaged in 1970 and the damage was hardly something a boot would do, if that is indeed their suggestion???


(The best official statements have three question marks after a sentence that's not a question.)

On the "urine":

Having been goaded by the Carlisle players, when Carlisle Utd scored there winner and we all accept if you give stick out you also have to take it. The game turned fractious, as witnessed by 1,500 supporters.

Mark Jones our left back, still angry at that treatment at the end of the game, entered our changing room and immediately kicked out at our Juice (plastic urn) container that sat on the floor. The plastic urn was sent flying across the dressing room and the content remains of orange juice was sent across the floor.


On the jackassery of the Carlisle players and management:

Perhaps that story deflects from the poor behaviour and performance of their players and management team. Who were so disparaging to our players over the two games, failed to accept our hospitality at our place and the fact that our players were then left with absolutely no hospitality or food after the game at Brunton Park perhaps says a lot, though the Carlisle players were of course fed..

Five goddamned paragraphs on that goddamned tea pot (a frame-up!):

Finally an old tea pot they say was put in a urinal by ourselves.. Our observations are again simple, that on our arrival back to the changing room at the end of the game. A tea pot full of hot tea had been put by a Carlisle official on a very narrow beveled ledged wall exactly at the point of entry into our shower area.. Why it was put there is anyones guess but we can show the pictorial evidence of the beveled ledge of little more than 4″ wide and put simply it is no place to balance a hot tea pot..

Our medical department told the club during our investigations, that they thought it was an accident waiting to happen. After checking if anybody wanted a cup of tea. Our kit managers were simply asked to empty the tea pot down contents down the shower drain before the boys showered and they then placed the tea pot by the adjacent sink next to the urinals.

That is where it remained until after we left the changing area. After we exited the changing area that evening, not one Carlisle club official made any complaint what so ever to any BWFC club official, not to our Chairman, not to our staff, not to our players and not to our manager, who then all proceeded onto our team coach, very proud of the performance we had put in..

The Carlisle Utd, YTS boys were at this point in our dressing room and shower areas cleaning up, which is apparently all part of their normal duties. It appears by the letter that we have subsequently received from Carlisle Utd the next day. That the local press were then called into this area, the allegations were then made and the subsequent witch hunt orchestrated by Carlisle Utd media man began…


Boreham Wood's lawyers have already begun the litigation process against Carlisle United, and say the only way to head off a lawsuit is "a full unequivocal retraction and written apology" made public. And maybe some replacement orange juice.

Boreham Wood FC replies to "Laughable Accusation" [Boreham Wood FC]

Carlisle Utd Opponents Deny Claims They Urinated On Dressing Room Floor [News & Star]
Boreham Wood FC threaten legal action over urine allegations from Carlisle United following FA Cup replay defeat [Times]