Soccer Page 268 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Barcelona Go To The Mattresses Against La Liga Over Bottle-Throwing Incident
This weekend, as you may have heard, some shit-brained Valencia fan threw a bottle at some Barcelona players because he was mad they beat his team. As you also might’ve learned, this was apparently mostly the players’ fault, at least according to such important and powerful figures in Spanish soccer...
Manchester United Avoid Humiliation By Winning A Worthless Manchester Derby
The most interesting part of yesterday’s match between Manchesters United and City—it’s an insult to the proud tradition of the Manchester Derby to use that hallowed moniker when describing an early round match in the most garbage cup competition in Europe, the League Cup—came an hour before the mat...
Julian Green Scores First Competitive Goal For Bayern Munich, Rest Of Europe Trembles In Fear
The biggest story of the soccer season for American soccer fans has been the ascendance of the Wonderteen Christian Pulisic from Dortmund bench guy to potential Lionel Messi understudy, so it’s been easy to forget that there’s another young American on an elite Bundesliga club. Julian Green, the USM...
Apparently It Was All Barcelona's Fault That Some Dickhead Threw A Bottle At Them
This past weekend, Barcelona scored a last-minute penalty to eke out a critical away win against Valencia. The players were very excited, so they celebrated. The Valencia fans were very upset, so they shouted insults. Neymar in particular took issue with this and yelled something back at the fans. I...
Xherdan Shaqiri's Left Foot Had A Hell Of A Game
It seems almost quaint now to remember that last summer, the fallen wonderkid Xherdan Shaqiri at first rejected, before accepting, the bejeweled life raft Stoke City tossed him in order to rescue him from Inter’s bench and the career obsolescence that loomed dangerously close. Stoke are a mainstay i...
Las Palmas' Exquisite Team Goal Will Make You Drool
A chipped through ball. A volleyed backheel assist. A leaping, volleyed scissor-kick for a shot. Goals don’t get much better than this....
Lionel Messi Had Some Unkind Things To Say About These Fans' Mothers
Barcelona came agonizingly close to losing Sunday’s battle against Valencia, and might’ve even ended up losing the war for La Liga with Andrés Iniesta’s knee injury. But it’s never smart to count out Lionel Messi, who stole a victory with a stoppage-time penalty, and said some incredibly rude things...
The Premier League Has Never Been Better
Coming into this rich and talented and historically well-coached Premier League season, no one had any real idea about who was good and who was bad and who would win (probably Manchester City). Then the season started and everyone kind of sucked but in a fun way. Two months in, the teams have starte...
This Soccer Highlight Is The Absolute Worst Soccer Highlight
The New York Red Bulls’ reserve team faced off against the Swope Park Rangers in something called the USL Cup Final last night. The Rangers, however, were justifiably forced to forfeit before the 90 minutes were up when everyone in the stadium agreed that there would be no more soccering that night ...
Carli Lloyd Scores Two Against Switzerland
Carli Lloyd had a spicy long-range strike in the first half of today’s friendly against Switzerland for the USWNT’s first goal of the match....
Pep Guardiola Very Politely Sons British Journalist
British journalist: “Pep, do you think your failure to beat the best team in the world a couple months into you tenure at a brand new club means you might consider throwing away the tactical philosophy that has made you arguably the greatest, most successful coach of your generation?”...
<i>First Take </i>Has Nothing On These Portuguese Soccer Pundits
We might think America’s cadre of shouty TV sports agitators is particularly impressive in a dark and horrifying kind of way, but these two guys on Portugal’s Prolongamento seem like they could bury even Stephen A. Smith under a mountain of shrieks and insults with no problem....
If Mesut Özil Keeps Scoring Like This, The World Better Watch Out
In Arsenal’s blowout win against Ludogorets yesterday, Mesut Özil scored three goals in the second half. I repeat: Mesut “I Live To Pass And I Never, Ever Shoot So Don’t Ask Me To” Özil scored a hat trick yesterday in the Champions League, increasing his season tally to six goals in 10 games. This i...
5-Year-Old Diehard Celtic Fan Calls Up Club To Apologize For Missing Game
Kids these days. They whine and whine about how much they want—no, need—that drum set they’re always going on about, then you get one for them and after two months it sits quietly in the basement, unused and collecting dust. “But daaaaad, all my friends have motorized scooters,” that ungrateful brat...
Lionel Messi Must Really Hate Pep Guardiola And England
If there have been two criticisms that have followed Lionel Messi around though his career like yappy little dogs nipping at his ankles—too insignificant to be an actual threat, and just persistent enough to register as a minor annoyance—they have been these: First, he had the good fortune of playin...
Arsenal Are Out Here Just Embarrassing These Jamokes
This is the happy time in every Arsenal season. Everyone is healthy, their world-class players are playing up to their reputations, their really good players are playing out of their minds, and their title dreams still seem eminently, thrillingly tangible. In today’s Champions League match against L...
I Can't Stop Watching These Two Soccer Dummies Flop At The Same Time
Never has an eskimo kiss caused so much imaginary pain....
Swansea Lose 3-2 To Arsenal In Bob Bradley's First Game In Charge
Swansea lost 3-2 to Arsenal this morning in Bob Bradley’s first game in charge, twice coming back from a two-goal deficit but ultimately failing to win any points. In that respect, it was a quite similar to Franceso Guidolin’s final two games in charge of the Swans, when he presided over a 3-1 defea...
Norwegian Soccer Commentators Shocked And Horrified By San Marino Equalizer
The unabashed homers on Norwegian TV reasonably expected a comfortable win against little ol’ San Marino in Norway’s World Cup qualifier on Tuesday. Instead of getting to channel their inner Elated Tiziano Crudeli, they were forced into Distraught Tiziano Crudeli mode when San Marino tied the game a...
Two Soccer Guys Take Showboating To Whole New Level By Dabbing In Middle Of Game
The post-goal dab celebration is nearly ubiquitous on soccer pitches the world over. Langelihle Ndlovu and Pule Mmodi, members of the Free State Stars’ reserve team in South Africa, took it up a notch by each deciding to hit the dab during open play, an in-your-face effrontery that even Neymar would...