Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Last NFL season, I was flipping around after the 4 p.m. games one Sunday when, by chance, I stumbled onto the NFL Network's 7:30 postgame highlight show. At the time, I had always (reasonably) assumed any studio show on NFL Network sucked and wasn't worth watching. So many times I've tuned into the NFL Network and seen Jamie Dukes being fat and retarded, or Lincoln Kennedy wearing a suit made out of two baseball stadium infield tarps sewn together. I figured the Network was a lost cause.
Then I found the 7:30 Sunday Gameday highlights show, and my whole world brightened. Last year, this show featured Rich Eisen, Deion Sanders, and Michael Irvin. You and I have any untold number of reasons to despise two of those men. I know the first time I tuned in, my initial reaction was, "Deion and fucking Stabby McNeckScissors? No thanks."
But then I watched some more, and somehow the combination of Eisen with Deion and Irvin worked. Eisen did all the heavy lifting, while Irvin and Deion joked around and said mean things about Eric Mangini. It was clearly patterned after TNT's NBA studio show with Ernie Johnson, Kenny Smith, and Charles Barkley, and it worked. I became a big fan. I began looking forward to that highlight show every Sunday night, often more so than the actual games. It was the best NFL highlight show I'd ever seen, which isn't saying much given the dreck out there, but still made it very important in my life. It had tons of highlights, a minimum of pointless discussion, good jokes from Eisen, and banter between the hosts that seemed, shockingly, genuine and playful.
So I was looking forward to this upcoming season and hoping and praying that the NFL Network wouldn't go and fuck this show up by changing it. I sat watching the 1 p.m. games and thought to myself the whole time, "I wonder if they fucked up the postgame show. I bet they fucked up the postgame show."
Then I tuned in at 7:30. And you know what? THEY FUCKED UP THE FUCKING POSTGAME SHOW.
Eisen and Deion were still there. Excellent. But they kicked Irvin off the set and replaced him with Steve Mariucci. People, I tell you I never thought I'd ever find myself at a point in life where I would feel sadness at an absence of Michael Irvin from anything, but here we are.
I want to choose my words carefully here, because Steve Mariucci seems like a nice guy and all. But he's a fucking waste of airtime and I wish he and his shitbox Steve Lavin haircut would fuck off back to Michigan so he can spend the rest of his days fisting Tom Izzo and then dying of syphilis and rotting in Hell.
Mooch is fucking putrid. He's just another generic coach/player/retard that NFL Network threw a broadcast job at because they don't know or care what the fuck you're watching at home. Worst of all, Mooch tries to replicate Irvin's goofy loudness and fails fucking miserably at it. He's completely contrived and over-the-top, and I want to mash his fat face into a goddamn wall of spikes any time I hear his voice come up over the highlights.
And I know damn well they replaced Irvin because he was charged with rape in February, but those charges were dropped. Marv Albert once got arrested for biting hookers. Do you care? No. Why? Because Marv is really enjoyable to listen to. I don't care if he committed fucking war crimes. If I have the option of Marv over some guy with a clean record who fucking blows, I'm taking Marv.
I'm sure NFL Network brass looked at Irvin and were like, "Well, we know the charges were dropped. But he's just so BLACK! Perhaps him and Deion together are just too much blackness!" Then they swapped Irvin out for Mooch, but kept Irvin on other shows anyway, which is stupid because you may as well go all the way and fire his ass if you're worried about his reputation. That postgame show worked because it had SO MUCH blackness. Sanders and Irvin are two crazy-as-shit black dudes, and they went ahead and let them be crazy as shit on the air. That's why it worked. Now Mooch is there to whiten up the joint like an idiot and it's not the same. It sucks. He's fucking ruined it.
Look around at the other NFL postgame shows. FOX has Curt, Terry, Howie, and Jimmy, who act on set as if they've been fed lines written by the producers of "Til Death". NBC has Dan Patrick and Tony Dungy and Rodney Harrison. Dungy is a tightass and Harrison is a dipshit who spends most of his airtime reminding you he played against Peyton Manning. Then there's Berman over on ESPN with all his horrible, tired bullshit. It's all so stuffy and artificial and downright shitty.
Then there was Eisen and Deion and Irvin, who combined to finally make this kind of show feel natural and legitimately fun. Obviously, NFL Network stumbled into this combination through sheer luck, and not because they know anything about what makes good television. Because now that show is dead.
Fuck you, NFL Network. Give me my postgame show back.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Giants at Colts: Peter King tweeted this week that the Bob Sanders injury is further proof that the NFL shouldn't have an 18-game schedule, to which the delightful Christmas Ape replied: "Bob Sanders would get hurt if the NFL had an 18-quarter schedule."
Every year, I keep hoping this will finally be the year the Colts have an off season. I'd just like to see them go 8-8 and miss the playoffs for once. Just for fun. I don't want to get my hopes up too early, but I do think there's a small chance of that happening this year. This is Nien Nunb's second year coaching the team, which means any residual Tony Dungy-related excellence has probably faded for good. Replacement coaches usually get one or two year's worth of residual goodness from whatever good coach they took over from (George Seifert, Barry Switzer) before that sheen wears off. So we could be on the verge of finding out that Jim Caldwell is fucking terrible. And I bet he totally is.
Patriots at Jets: Holy shit, Antonio Cromartie is bad. He collects flags like he collects bastard kids.
Steelers at Titans: My kid's preschool instituted a "Color Day" once a week. The idea is that every kid wears the same color outfit to school on that day. First off, I don't think these school administrators realize just how hard it is to get clothing on these kids every fucking morning. It takes me an hour every day to convince my kid not to wear undies on her goddamn head. I'm thankful if she's wearing anything when she walks out that door. And now you expect me to get her to voluntarily dress in green for an afternoon? I don't even know if she has green clothing. GET FUCKED.
Furthermore, why are you making the kids all dress alike? It's school. It's not a fucking Miami Heat playoff game. Color Day is the worst idea ever.
Redskins at Texans: Let's take a look again at what Clinton Portis said about Inez Sainz:
"You put a woman and you give her a choice of 53 athletes, somebody got to be appealing to her." he said. "Somebody got to spark her interest, or she's gonna want somebody. I don't know what kind of woman won't, if you get to go and look at 53 men's packages.
Two things. One: If seeing a large group of exposed penises turned on most women, then men would never wear pants. EVER. I know I wouldn't. Are you telling me the whole key to turning a woman on this whole time was to just walk around with my dick out? DONE AND DONE.
Second, you can only have this kind of mentality if you have a huge cock, which means Clinton Portis is hung like a rhino. The bigger your penis, the more likely you are to have confidence when exposing it to others. That's just common sense. It's why black guys lead all races in catcalling.
One last point about this whole Sainz thing: She's really fucking hot. Some women are so hot that you almost understand why they're being harassed. Their hotness is so totally out of proportion to everyday people that it's hard to say anything except, "Jesus! That girl is fucking hot!" I don't condone it. I'm just saying, SWEET JESUS I'D SERVE BRUNCH ON THAT ASS.
To the Texans: Few things are more annoying than when you openly expect a fantasy player to eat shit and then he turns around and becomes a stud. Peter King loved Arian Foster before the season. Peter King is wrong about everything. I expected Foster to fumble eight times and then burst into flames on Sunday. I was all prepared to wallow in his failure. Instead, he's a fucking beast. And I had to play against him. I suck at fantasy football.
Bears at Cowboys: I hate to defend Peter King, but I dunno why people jumped on him for calling Alex Barron a "disgrace" on his Twitter feed. Like Alex Barron is some poor fawn that needs defending from King Latte. Alex Barron fucking blows, and should be called a million worse things, like cockchewer, or child molester, or anal paintleaker. Especially with that fucking FSU hat he wore in the introductions. He looks like a prick, and I'm glad everyone hates his guts.
Ravens at Bengals: Last week was a four-day workweek. I don't know about you, but for some reason I find that four-day work weeks are fucking endless. They feel like eight days. I think it's because I'm all set for the week to seem short, since it is, but then every boss tries and make you cram five days of work into those four days, making them feel like fucking eight. It's a horrible phenomenon, and I'd give anything to put an end to it.
Saints at Niners: On Thursday night's game, we found out that Gregg Williams calls himself Dr. Heat. That is the gayest thing I've ever heard. If someone else decides you're Dr. Heat, that's cool with me. But to give yourself that name? GAY. How about I call you Dr. Asshat instead? That work for you, Dr. Asshat?
Dolphins at Vikings: I didn't realize that Tony Sparano is skinny now. And Brad Childress has gotten way fat. In fact, the two men now look closer to the past versions of each other. And that can't be a good sign for either team.
Last Thursday, NBC spent a lot of time showing you pictures of Favre's bruised thigh and ankle. And when they showed those pictures, I kept assuming that a shot of a bruised and swollen cock would come next. It just seemed like the next logical progression. LOOK AT HOW BRUISED MY COCK GOT DURING THAT NFC TITLE GAME! DR. HEAT SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.
I continue to remain stunned that not a single media member has asked Favre about those cock shots. That's insane. Favre never publicly dismissed the claims, so why isn't anyone bringing it up at a postgame presser? I would. You get me a plane ticket and credential, and I AM FUCKING THERE.
Eagles at Lions: Jim Schwartz's goatee is an abomination. It has a little patch of gray running right down the center, like a skunk stripe. It looks like he purposely dyed it that way. And he doesn't have a face made for a goatee. A goatee works on some faces. But not on others. Imagine if Bob Costas grew a goatee. It would scare and alarm you, just as Jon Stewart's has. Same with Schwartz. I know Schwartz coached under Jeff Fisher, who has a majestic ‘stache that puts others to shame, but Schwartz doesn't have the hair chops to match his old boss. That why they lost on Sunday. You're not going to give Calvin Johnson that catch if his coach has a goatee that stupid looking. People are less inclined to give you leeway when you have shitty facial hair.
Also, I wrote this over at NBC, but it bears repeating: There's no reason to have any mention of shit like "second acts" in language of what defines a legal catch. All you need is control of the ball and two feet or a body part down. You don't need anything more than that. So Johnson didn't maintain possession through the ground. Who gives a fuck? Why does that even matter? That has nothing to do with the initial act of catching the ball, which is all that should matter.
And to anyone who wants to blame Johnson for laying the ball down on the ground to celebrate, DIE. Take your uptight white ass and go play fucking golf. Or go jerk off to Reggie Bush giving back his Heisman. You suck.
Jaguars at Chargers: This year, I have a DVR to watch the games, which means I'm five years behind the rest of the universe. Whatever. Screw you.
Anyway, it's clear that my goal with this DVR is this: to start late on a game, skip through the commercials, and catch up with live TV JUST as the game is coming to an end. I'm sure some of you are masters at this. There's nothing more thrilling than watching that little marker get closer and closer to real time. I'M COMING TO GET YOU, TIME! SOON YOU SHALL BE MINE!
Chiefs at Browns: Have you ever tried to talk while inhaling? I wasted a solid half hour the other day doing this. The sound you make when you try and do it is terrifying. It sounds like Stephen Hawking's voice box if that voice box had a terrible smoking habit. Now I can't stop doing it. I scare the wife and kids constantly with it. It's a blast. Also, I'm certain that it's bad for my lungs and could cause me to somehow literally choke on my own words. Can't wait.
Rams at Raiders: I know Jason Campbell is a very nice guy who handles everything with class and professionalism. But it's all right now to come out and say he blows. BLOWS. No more excusing him for having a new coordinator every year. No more saying the upheaval in Washington took its toll on him. He's just a shitty, horrible QB and always has been. There's no need to treat him with kid gloves anymore.
Bills at Packers
Bucs at Panthers
Cardinals at Falcons
Seahawks at Broncos
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Be All End All," by Anthrax. When you have the chance to add a cello into a heavy metal song, you take that chance.
Embarrassing Cassette I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Bad Animals," by Heart. Notice how they take great pains to not show Ann Wilson from the shoulders down. I'd pay big money to watch her duel Aretha Franklin in a waffle-eating contest.
This was one of the first tapes I ever owned, along with Def Leppard's "Hysteria," ZZ Top's "Afterburner," and T'Pau's self-titled debut. A real murderer's row, right there (though I still love Def Leppard without much compunction). When I was a kid, I took a great deal of pride in my shitty tape collection. Albums used to be one of the few tangible things you could buy with the small amount of money you had at age 11 or so. I couldn't buy booze. I couldn't buy wildly expensive shit like surfboards or anything. Even VHS tapes cost $80 to $100 back then, which is incredible. I didn't care about clothes (no boy that age does). About all I could buy with my money was junk food (bought plenty), tapes, and posters of bands I liked. I used to go to the back of Sam Goody every week and look through the band posters to find one I liked for my wall. I also made it point to look at any girly pinup posters they had, so that I could go home and masturbate to them. Goody got it like that.
So I had this tape collection that I was really proud of, because kids that young are always proud of things that should embarrass the shit out of them. I had a woodshop class at school, and I used the class to build my own homemade tape case. I cut the slats. I measured the cassette case thickness to gauge where the slats should go. I had Mr. Smith, our shop teacher, make grooves in the wood with a table saw to put the slats in. And, to top it all off, I cut out big wooden block letters saying DREW to glue on top. I thought this looked totally badass, yet this case was built specifically to house shitty tapes from Heart and fucking T'Pau.
I'm glad kids today don't have to deal with giant collections of tapes or CD's. Moving that shit to college was a bitch. A full Caselogic of tapes weighs about two hundred pounds.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Shonn Greene, who managed to fumble twice and perhaps lose his job to a million-year-old LDT all within the span of one game. Congratulations, Shonn. You are now Steve Slaton. YOU FUCKING DICK.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's pick of Tennessee was correct, making me 1-0 on the season. Off the board go the Titans. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Green Bay, and being subjected to fifteen more ads for "Wall Street 2" than I need to see. Am I supposed to be all jazzed that Gordon Gecko is back and smoking cigars? Oh goodie! A rich asshole got his moxie back! Thank God! You can't trust him, Shia!
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Redskins getting 3 points at home against the Texans. And allow me to take a moment to wish all the Jews out there a happy Yom Kippur. I know Yom Kippur is your day of atonement, so I've compiled a handy list of things you clearly need to atone for:
1. Killing Jesus
2. Stealing land
3. Hording money
4. The Best Picture Oscar for Chicago
5. Never being satisfied with the first available parking spot you see
6. Making it taboo to blame Jews for things
7. Lewis Black's uneasy transition from comedian to political lecturer
8. The Great Recession
9. JFK's death
10. The CIA's mind control program, which seizes God-fearing Americans and turns them onto Broadways shows and potato cakes
11. The mainstream Jewsmedia
12. Our expensive modern health care system
13. The irresistibility of dry roasted peanuts
"You people have a LOT of atoning to do. I understand some Jews want their fellow snakes to refrain from cell phone use. Fat chance! The day a Jew doesn't whip out his cell phone at a restaurant is the day I finally get some sleep."
2010 Nazi Shark Record: 0-1
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Paul send in another military poop story, this one I call DAS POOP:
Your latrine story inspired me to tell you about the fun submariners have while out to sea. The shitters on older subs consisted of a stainless steel bowl that you would fill to the appropriate level with sea water. At the bottom of the bowl was a ball valve, which is a 4 inch metal ball with a hole through it that sealed the toilet from the shit tank. The side of the commode had a long handle, like a slot machine, that you would pull to line up the hole in the bowl with the hole in the ball valve when you wanted to flush. Then you would open the sea water valve to help everything along and keep the stench from the tank from escaping.
The fun came when the "sanitary tank" had to be emptied, referred to as blowing sannies. They would hang warning signs on the stall doors and then pressurize the tank with air and blow the poo stew into the ocean. If for some reason you didn't notice the sign or took a dump and forgot that you weren't supposed to flush and you opened the valve the contents of the bowl would blow back at you, showering you with nasties. We called it blowing a shitter or getting the golden flapper award. It was impossible to hide the fact that you did it because the sound of the air escaping was pretty loud and plus you probably had shit and toilet paper on you. It usually happened at least a couple of times per patrol (70 days or so). The closest I came to seeing the actual fallout though was while I was walking toward the head just as someone blew the shitter. A guy standing in the doorway was laughing his ass off and yelling, "He has a turd sitting on his shoulder!", but unfortunately by the time I ran over he had jumped into the shower.
I'm fascinated. I want to go on a sub patrol just so I can shit in that toilet and experience it firsthand. Submarines rule.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Seeing Andy Reid back on this list is enjoyable because every possible thing that could go wrong for Reid last week went REALLY wrong. About the only way it could have been worse is if McNabb had thrown for seven touchdowns and banged his wife after the game. WHICH COULD STILL HAPPEN. Remember, Andy totally married out of his league. One of those "According To Jim" marriages.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Snyder's of Hanover Honey Mustard and Onion pretzel pieces. It's an ingenious move by the pretzel industry. Take any pretzels that were accidentally crushed during the factory process, blast them with a thousand pounds of artificial flavoring, and then sell them at a generous markup. These things are like yellow crack. And their calorie count is downright obscene. Each bag is fucking tiny, yet it says it has 18 servings at about 300 calories a pop. It's like the white dwarf of the chip and pretzel aisle. So very dense in calories.
They have other flavors for these too, including cheddar cheese and buffalo wing. I bought the buffalo wing pack once. I ate the whole thing in about four seconds. I woke up the next day eight pounds heavier. These things are fucking EVIL.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
BOXER BEER! Canada's lowest priced beer! Brewed by Indian-Canadian immigrants with Canadian accents! Nothing will throw you off more than an Indian person with a Canadian accent. They'd like to charge less for Boxer beer, but it's AGAYNST the law! Reader Kevin writes in:
This ad says it all. For every province, they market this stuff under a different name, lest it's terrible reputation proceed it. In my area it's named Minhas Creek, which if you pay attention is the name of the people in the commercial. Anyway, this is a favorite of people who would otherwise be stealing and drinking hairspray, or people who make home made beer because they can't justify the price of Budweiser.
The best part when you go to the vendor is when you see the half drunk hobos on stolen bicycles riding in with two giant garbage bags full of uncrushed cans worth a nickel each to cut the price of a six pack in half. They do this in the middle of January too. Why uncrushed? Because these guys try to pass off crushed Sprite Zero cans from trash cans downtown as Coors Light. Fuck them. I don't have the space to collect uncrushed beer cans to make the refunds worth it.
That's fantastic. God, that ad is so tawdry. It must be horrible beer. I MUST HAVE IT.
I also applaud the Minas family for finally using the price angle in beer advertising. You never see that done here in the US. Miller Lite and Bud go to great lengths to convince you there's actual craftsmanship in their cheap piss. At least these dot canucks have the guts to speak the truth!
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP is Chris Johnson of the Titans! Now, let me tell you about the time I nailed Cloris Leachman. You may not believe it, but back in the day Cloris was a HELLCAT! Sexy? YOU BET! Feisty? AS ALL HELL! I remember one time we were in bed in Monaco. Things are getting HEATED! Well, what does the ol' girl do but start talking exactly like Burgess Meredith! Strange but true! She starts yelling at me like I'm Rocky. ‘Evans, I want you to crap thunder inside me!' She barked it over and over again! I damn near cut myself trying to give her what she wanted! So you look out for Cloris Leachman. She may be an old hag now, but she was quite the spitfire in my time. NAILS LIKE RAZORS TO THE BACK."
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Rams Fans
Armed And Dangerous. "Well, climb on in here, Slim!" I highly recommend the bondage shop scene.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
" It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life FOREVER."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
Siobahn Parekh. She's half Irish, half Indian. You want sheep curry? Oh, this girl will make you some sheep curry.
Also, I'm getting rid of the woman's section of the HMK. Because I don't really care about fairness. You want hot guys? Email me links I don't have to search for.
Enjoy the games, everyone.