Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Stupid ways to fill out your NCAA Tournament bracket

Your well-considered bracket is try-hard garbage. Admit it. With all your esoteric knowledge of basketball — and possibly even due to it — you will inevitably sit slack-jawed in the coming weeks as your “lock” of a team gets melted by a 5-foot-3 point guard from Southwest Rando State University.

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Fortunately for you, we’re from Deadspin and we’re here to help. There is a solution to the eons-old problem of basketball knowledge correlating not-at-all with bracket success, and it’s an easy one: Throw logic out the window and pick your teams like a fucking lunatic. Why do you think it’s called March Madness? Because it’s a product best enjoyed while nude and screaming, that’s why. Rationality has no place here.

Your particular method of executing this strategy is up to you, and creativity is encouraged. We’ve compiled just a few ideas to get you started, but filling out a fuck-it bracket is a deeply personal process! Add your own flourishes wherever you see fit. It’s easier than reasoned thought, whatever that is, and probably just as effective.

  1. Get a dog to do it
  2. Copy Barack Obama’s bracket, then blame him when things don’t work out
  3. Which mascot would win in a knife fight?
  4. Just pick the higher seed, you unimaginative dork
  5. Use Ayahuasca for divine insight into tournament results
  6. Reject all competition as fleeting, materialist conceit
  7. Which coach dresses better?
  8. Which coach would win in a knife fight?
  9. Which team has the best name anagrams? (“KANSAS JAYHAWKS” - “WASH YA JANK ASS K”)
  10. Which team has the worst name anagrams? (“IONA GAELS” - “LOSE AGAIN”)
  11. How many words can Bill Walton say about each team before launching into a 12-minute lecture on regional geography?