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I Have Spent All Night Searching For Unintentional Dong Shapes In Hurricane Irene Images, You Bastards
It's August 25, the day after we were told that yesterday's shorter WUD post format was unacceptable. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors...

Today In Horrible Quotes
"My father [William] was the first black that played basketball in the Big 10. They took that jersey and his Globetrotter jersey. They also took my son's city championship ring and oxygen tank." — DePaul assistant basketball coach Billy Garrett, upon finding his Chicago home had been cleaned out by...

Gilbert Arenas's Ex Can Appear On "Basketball Wives" In Part Because Obama And Dick Cheney Are Related
Gilbert Arenas did not want his former fiancé Laura Govan to appear on VH1's "Basketball Wives" or mention his name on it. So, he sued....

If You Have To Get Arrested, Driving While Drinking A Beer And Receiving Oral Sex Isn't A Bad Way To Go
Thanks to The Smoking Gun, we can all meet George Howard, a Kentucky man arrested this morning for some shenanigans involving a 2006 Ford on the outskirts of Louisville. Johnny Law intervened after seeing Howard's ride allegedly collide with a curb....

Brought To You By The Network That Televises The Little League World Series
It's Aug. 24, the day we were too busy to run for mayor of Wasilla. Click the photo to enlarge. If that doesn't work, click here. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors. ...

Ohio Man Rams A Store With A Semi Truck So He Can Steal An $800 Synthetic Vagina (UPDATE)
Ah, Ohio. Home of the drunken werewolf and the teacher who sprayed cops with her breast milk. Now the Smash and Grab Sex Toy Thief of Lorain County joins them....

US Marines Serving In Afghanistan Warned Not To Fart So Audibly
Battle Rattle, a Military Times blog, has an important dispatch from the front lines, which they wanted us to share with you. So often we forget about the sacrifices our troops abroad make to protect this nation's freedom. Sacrifices like sphincter clenching....

Farting At Urinals: An Exploration In Etiquette
The Postmortal drops a week from today, and to celebrate the release, next week's edition of the Deadspin Funbag will be a LIVE FUNBAG. We'll throw the post up around noon, then you can send in questions for the next three hours (via email or the comments) and I'll answer them in real time. All you ...

You Can't Fight A DMV-Nominated Samurai Champion In Lieu Of A Trial Anymore
A tipster has sent us a story nine years old but timeless. You might not know that in England, drivers must fill out a specific form in order to avoid paying taxes on an unused vehicle. You also might not know that in Medieval England, trials were often settled by the two parties engaging in single ...

Kool Aid Man Really Wanted To Catch That Foul Ball
Your morning roundup for Aug. 23, the day they found a lot of semen in a fancy hotel room. H/T to bigsombrero for the photo. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors....

Kansas College Suspends Its Golfers For Dongish Facebook Photo, But Team Captain Jack Hiscock Says They're Appealing The Suspension
Lindsborg, Kansas's tiny Bethany College—a Lutheran school, home of the Fighting Swedes—has suspended its entire golf team for three tournaments as a punishment for taking the above naked photo together. You can't see any dong in the shot, but it's there, under the golfing gear....

School Of Fight: Learning To Brawl With The Hockey Goons Of Tomorrow (Deadspin Classic)
Last week, Glenn Stout, editor of Houghton Mifflin's Best American Sports Writing series, announced the lineup for the 2011 edition of the book. Among the stories was Jake Bogoch's dispatch from a notorious hockey fight camp for kids, where our writer took a teenager's punch to the kidneys and found...

Man With Rotting, Cancerous Penis Claims Surgeon Removed Rotting, Cancerous Penis Without Permission
"[Phillip, penis-less man]Seaton's lawyer, Kevin George, told the jury during opening arguments that his client doesn't feel like a man. He showed the jury four photographs of Seaton's groin saying, "You can see there's nothing there." Four photographs seems excessive. [Jackson Sun]...

Who's Got 41? Great. But Who's Got 41?
Your morning roundup for Aug. 22, the day we asked taxpayers to foot the bill for a shopping mall. Photo via @EricStangel. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors. ...

Pennsylvania Catcher's Unzipped Fly Reminds Us That, Yes, These Are 12-Year-Olds Playing Baseball On ESPN
Your morning roundup for August 21, the day you poor suckers got all the RC Cola you wanted. Photo via tipster Connor....

Here's Video Of A Pack Of Young Ladies Robbing A D.C. Convenience Store
Per MyFoxDC, "Another flash mob robbery has occurred in the area, this time at a convenience store ... Surveillance video from the Shop Express Convenience Store shows that there were 10 young women involved....

Presenting Slo-Mo Video Of A Little League Player Taking A Baseball To The Face
Your morning roundup for Aug. 20, the ninth day that Delonte West will wake up hoping Home Depot calls. Got any stories or photos for us? Tip your editors. (Video from California's 11-0 win over Rhode Island H/T Shaun B). ...

Cockblocked At Catholic School!
Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go....

The Blue Jays' Sign-Stealing Operation Is A Lot Less Sophisticated On The Road
Your morning roundup for Aug. 19, the day we went fishing and caught a scuba diver instead. H/T to Jamo for the photo, which he got from a friend at the Jays-A's game who texted him to say: "Guy looks into binoculars for five seconds then holds up sign that says either 'OFF SPEED' or 'FAST BALL.' S...

Deaf Minnesotans Probably Equate High-School Football Preseason With Caligulan Rabbit Breeding
Scott Seroka of KARE 11 News in Minneapolis just wanted to tease a back-to-school angle about local high-school football teams returning to two-a-day practices the following week. Closed captioning for the hearing impaired took it from there and added some sexual seasoning....