ant Page 755 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Playoff Pants Party! Steelers at Colts
More ugliness. This would be horrible if the Steeler's won this game. Please. This can't happen. We really need to see the Patriots/Colts decide this thing once and for all.(Erm, this season, at least.) (Yes, barring the Broncos don't screw it up, either.)...
Playoff Pants Party! Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears
Hey, look it's 2001 all over again in Chicago! Long live Shane Matthews! Sunday's Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears game could very well prove to be the offensive shoot-out we're all anticipating. We're predicting about 850 yards of offense between these two teams. With these two offensive flame t...
Eva Longoria Slumming It, Big Time
Gossip site EITM Online — imagine US Weekly with uncomfortable photos of Mischa Barton's, uh, monthly visit from a friend — has a picture they claim is of Eva Longoria (Spurs guard Tony Parker's lady friend and fellow terrorizer of Mexican police officers) and ... wait for it ... "ESPN Hollywood"...
Sean Taylor Needs To Practice His Spitting
If you watched last weekend's Redskins-Buccaneers game, you saw Washington safety Sean Taylor ejected for spitting on Tampa Bay running back Michael Pittman, and you know when you spit on a Marine who has been known to drive his Hummer into vehicles that contain his wife and child, there will be r...
Look Out For The Black Mamba. (Relax, We Don't Mean Literally)
We hate to be the ones who have to point this out, but after all we've made fun of him for — with our personal favorite still being Chuck Klosterman's notion that the Lakers are like "an eighth-grade intramural team which happens to have one kid with a mustache" — it's worth noting that the man no...
Redskins Surprisingly Effective Car Salesmen
With the Redskins improbably advancing to the NFL's Final Eight, we're obviously going to be ratcheting up the Clinton Portis coverage even more than we already have, if that's not terrifying enough for you. As a little appetizer, though, we present you this gaggle of advertisements for Easterns A...
Fiction Is Actually Stranger Than Kobe's Truth
Further showcasing the almost impressive casual racism of the porn industry, a reader sends us the link to this very special porn film: Tobey Bryan's Backcourt Violation, from our classy friends at Hustler....
NFL Playoff Roundup: Riiiiipppppp!
• Honestly, we know this was covered all weekend, but man, that Carson Palmer thing was the worst playoff moment we can remember. We think Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals have it tough; Bengals fans finally get in the playoffs, and two plays in, their Pro Bowl QB tears an ACL and MCL. (Quest...
Panthers vs. Giants - 4th Quarter
• If Ken Lucas and Marlon McCree played for the Giants, Eli Manning would be on fire. Unfortunately for Eli, however, they are Panthers. McCree did do the Giants a favor, though, and run about 20 yards backwards after the interception. But that probably just means DeShaun Foster has more yardage ...
Panthers vs. Giants - 3rd Quarter
• The Giants brought out Lawrence Taylor to be honored at halftime. This could provide some inspiration for the G-Men. Particularly if LT brought his pipe with him....
Panthers vs. Giants - 2nd Quarter
• After Carolina continued to gash the Giants up the middle with the run, Steve Smith got open over the middle for a touchdown. 7-0 Carolina. He followed it up with a snow angel in the endzone, and the any signifigance or entertainment value is lost on me....
Panthers vs. Giants - 1st Quarter
• The first half of the first quarter is timid and uneventful, but Carolina's settled into a little bit of a groove, moving the ball with relative ease. DeShaun Foster is gashing them a little bit, and Steve Smith is picking up yards on little bubble screens....
Playoff Pants Party: Panthers Vs. Giants
We think Tom Coughlin freaks us out a little bit. In our nightmares, when we've done something vaguely wrong that we don't understand but know that it was terrible, Coughlin's the type of guy who shows up in our dreams, screaming at us, like the drill sergeant gym teacher in "Beavis & Butthead." ...
New Vikings Coach Sporting Rare Mustache/Baldness Combo
Today, the Minnesota Vikings will announce that Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress will be their new coach, or, if you can't resist making the same joke everybody else is making this morning, captain of their ship. Childress has been with the Eagles for seven years, and, having seen Requi...
Culpepper: Lap Dances? Who, Me?
We don't want to overstate — and it probably won't happen, anyway — but if Vikings sex boat gods Daunte Culpepper and Bryant McKinnie get their way, we might be in for the real trial of the century....
Beware Of Bicycles, Young Frenchman
As a followup to yesterday's Tony Parker-Eva Longoria dustup with the San Antonio police department, the great Smoking Gun — whose annual holiday gift just arrived in our mailbox — has dug up the official police report from the incident. It doesn't have too much extra information from the original...
Jim Mora, Blowin' Up!
Four days after his outburst following the Falcons' playoff hopes-ending loss to Tampa Bay last week, Atlanta coach Jim Mora Jr. is still doing damage control. In case you missed it, Mora, doing a radio interview with the Falcons' affiliate after the game, flipped out after being asked about a que...
The Spurs Hate Mexicans (Or Something Like That)
A one-act play, using only displaced quotes from the police report of the citation Spurs guard Tony Parker received after an incident in San Antonio on Christmas Eve with his girlfriend, "Desperate Housewives" "actress" Eva Longoria....
Clearing The 1 o'clock Table...
• San Diego 7, Kansas City 20. So, what did you use for pregame motivation, Marty, the tape of Jim Mora screaming, "PLAYOFFS? PLAYOFFS?!" I feel much pain. • Buffalo 37, Cincinnati 27. Rough day for Chad Johnson. First, someone stole his reindeer (I HATE YOU, whoever it was), and then, they lose to ...
Tuna About To Spoil?
ESPN's Chris Mortensen reported this morning that Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells is considering retiring at the conclusion of this year. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is pushing him to sign an extension, but the death of Parcells' brother a few weeks ago has him thinking retirement, according to Mor...