appic Page 142 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Swimming Records Made To Never Be Broken
Exotic fancypants swimsuits bestow ridiculous Aquaman-like qualities on anyone who wears one, which is why swimming officials have officially banned the suits—right after every record in the books is shattered beyond repair....
Lance Armstrong Has Failed Everyone
Alberto Contador has won his second Tour de France. Livestrong, Alberto! One person who's thrilled about this news? This precocious, Tour-loving five-year-old. [SI]...
Japanese Baseball Robots Already Elected To The Hall Of Fame
Japanese nerds have invented baseball-playing robots with talent far exceeding our own Major League all-stars and they don't require Gatorade or HGH. Well, I guess that's it. We had a great ride, humanity, but our time has passed....
Lance Not Livestrong Enough
Lance Armstrong moved to second place in the Tour de France this weekend, but fell almost two minutes behind his teammate, Alberto Contador. Oh, the indignity of the wingman, fighting for scraps as his "partner" reaps all the glory....
Crumpet? I Hardly Know It!
Got an image you'd like to see in here first thing in the morning? Send it to [email protected]. Subject: Morning crap...
Open Caption: Yep, That's An Oscar Mayer Wiener
"An Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into the home and outdoor deck. The vehicle was parked in the driveway. The driver lurched the vehicle forward instead of backing out of the driveway, hitting the deck and cracking the house's foundation." [Strib]...
BB Assassins Take Pot Shots At Tour de France Riders
Two riders were hit by BBs during Stage 13 of the Tour, even though lunatic cycling fans can get close enough to club their victims with baguettes. Why not give your crazy violence a more personal touch? [VeloNews]...
Tiger Woods To Miss The Cut At British Open
Woods had two double bogeys on the back nine to finish +5, but the projected cut is 4-over. Only his second missed cut at major since turning pro. Old Tom Watson somehow still tied for the lead. [Open Championship]...
Surprise! No One Cares That Manny Ramirez Used PEDs
Manny came back to Mannywood last night, and the fake dreadlocked Dodger fans welcomed him back with open arms, much to the consternation of you know who....
Tour de France Riders Forced To Perform Without Mechanical Supplements
The Tour de France tried an "experiment" today—banning radios that allow coaches and team leaders to communicate with their riders during the race. It's almost like they expect these athletes to use their own brains!...
Have You Seen This Fat Guy?
The White Sox seemed to have lost something. It's about six feet high, 250 pounds (roughly), and occasionally has trouble locating its curveball. Oh, and it's scheduled to start tonighttomorrow so if you've seen a Bartolo Colon anywhere, please call....
Lance Armstrong Can't Not Be The Top Dog
Lance Armstrong said he just wanted to get some exercise and maybe promote his wristbands, because after four years off, expecting him to win the Tour de France would just be silly. What's that? He's in first place now? Lovely....
Cristiano Ronaldo Stars In World's Largest Press Conference
Almost 80,000 people showed up at Real Madrid's stadium last night just to watch Cristiano Ronaldo try on a shirt. I'm starting to suspect that you don't love your favorite team enough....
In Season Debut, Candace Parker Produces Six Points, Several Fluid Ounces Of Breast Milk
Parker returned yesterday against the Mercury, and once again sportswriters found themselves talking about her boobs: "Just before the game, Parker had to pump breastmilk in the locker room for her daughter's post-game feeding." [LA Daily News]...
Blame It On Boras
Everything bad that has ever happened to the Dodgers is the fault of evil, evil Scott Boras, up to and including that home run he hit off Ralph Branca in 1951. [NYT]...
Tim Lincecum's Haircut Is Now Self-Aware
Randy Johnson has had a tremendous impact on the San Francisco Giants' pitching staff, but not because of his experience and wisdom. It's because he has youngsters like Tim Lincecum believing in the power of the mullet....
So We All Still Love Soccer Now, Right?
Does anyone know when the next USA soccer game is? Because unless it's this Wednesday*, I'm guessing our nation may have trouble parlaying the magical Confederations Cup showing into a nationwide love affair with the sport....
The Greatest Upset In The History Of Sports (This Week)
The United States has just flabbergasted the world, ending Spain's 35-match unbeaten streak with a 2-nil shutout of the planet's No. 1 team. Put that in your vuvuzela and blow on it....
Lucas Glover Wins The U.S. Open
It's all over, folks. Glover holds on to win a messy five-day U.S. Open. More below:...
How Do Iranian Soccer Players Protest? Very Carefully
Iran's soccer team may have found it difficult to concentrate on their World Cup qualifying match in South Korea today, since their country is, you know, engulfed in the cleansing flames of democratic awakening....