balls Page 60 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Press Release Touting Newer, Hipper Ronald McDonald Is Batshit Crazy
Ohhhhh, Darren Rovell. Oh, you picked the wrong day to be suspended from Twitter, amigo. Because McDonald's just issued a press release for a fully redesigned Ronald McDonald, and it is fucking nutty. They don't even bother trying to sound human. They went the full Poochie. Let's take a look....
Pine Tar Should Be Fully Legal, And Baseball Is Still Fucking Insane
As you might know, Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda got booted from a game last night for rocking a swatch of pine tar on the back of his neck, in full view of everyone. The weird thing is that it wasn't the fact that Pineda used pine tar that got everyone pissy, but the fact that he did it so blatan...
Eight Reasons Never To Go On Spring Break With Children
Just let go. That was the slogan of the hotel we were staying at for Spring Break, and it was a solid slogan. After all, this was a family resort, and at family resorts, parents often need to be reminded to ease up, take the sticks out of their asses, and TRY to enjoy themselves, if only to then f...
Forget The PAT: Let’s Destroy The Touchback
Before we get to the Funbag, a big thank-you to noted punter of balls Chris Kluwe, who filled in here last week and did far too capable a job. And now… your letters:...
Why Paternity Leave Is Important, Even Though You’ll Hate It
Every few years, there's a big Hot Sports Take orgy because a pro athlete decided to skip a game for a birth and/or paternity leave. This year, it was Daniel Murphy's turn in the barrel, getting dumped on by Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa after skipping two games after his kid was born. Esiason h...
Real Or Fake, Stephen Colbert's <em>Late Show</em> Is Gonna Be Awesome
Back when Stephen Colbert was on The Daily Show, he also used to do radio-ad voiceover work for extra money. I was a junior copywriter working on a shit-ass cell-phone account when our agency hired Colbert (who worked for scale at the time) to enter a recording studio and do a series of 60-second re...
Your Stadium Timeout Diversions, Ranked
I'm on vacation next week, which means the Funbag will be commandeered by a MYSTERY HOST. Who will be the mystery host? Will it be someone famous? Someone unexpected? Or someone you've seen around here before and his (or her!) revelation will probably be a bit of a letdown for you? I think the ...
And So It Comes To This: The Bitchy Final Four
We've been slogging through the Bitchy Bracket for two weeks now, and at last we've come to our Final Four of thin-skinned, defensive, repulsive fanboys. And what a Final Four it is! We've got a 1-seed, a 2-seed, a rampaging 4-seed peaking at the right time, and we have a Cinderella story in the 8t...
At Least The Tiger Woods Bullshit Machine Is As Healthy As Ever
So Tiger Woods backed out of the Masters this week after having a microdiscectomy operation on his spine. And, in accordance with how Tiger Woods conducts business, a gangbang of faceless agents and marketers came together on his behalf and posted a formal statement on his website about the withdra...
Is There Ever A Good Reason To Throw A Drink In A Woman’s Face?
Your letters:...
Can Anyone Stop The Beliebers? Vote On The Bitchy Bracket Final 8
We're down to the regional finals of our survey of the most thin-skinned, defensive fanboys in America, and apparently you people aren't familiar enough with the lunatics at TEAM BREEZY because Chris Brown's virtual harem got spanked in the Sweet 16 by Beliebers, who make such obvious targets. Here...
I Bandwagoned The <i>How I Met Your Mother</i> Finale, Which Sucked
I have a nasty habit of jumping into popular TV shows at the last moment to siphon off a bit of counterfeit emotional payoff without putting in the years and years of tedious buildup. I did this with Lost (not bad!). I did this with Breaking Bad (I REGRET NOTHING). And last night I did it with Ho...
Columnist Angry At The Imaginary Murders DeSean Jackson Has Witnessed
You thought Phil Mushnick couldn't get any more Mushnick on your ass than he already has? Ohhhh, people. Oh, how you underestimate that cagey old fucker. Because today, Mushnick hopped into the Andy Rooney machine and set it to Full Bushy Eyebrow. Join me as he carefully evaluates the plight of ...
Why Are Screens Better Than Real Life?
I have three children, and left unsupervised, they will stare at screens until their eyeballs liquefy and seep into the carpet. And so, I spend every single day of my existence wringing my hands over how much screen time is too much screen time for these people. Sometimes I set a timer. Sometimes ...
A Proper Dress Code For Getting Shitfaced At The Ballpark
Today our Tom Ley goofed on the silly new dress code restrictions for the St. Louis Cardinals Ballpark Village (i.e., a place where bros from Dardenne Prairie will get shitfaced after another triumphant Cardinals win against a morally inferior opponent). Ley pointed out that there was no shortage o...
We're Down To The Mean 16: Round 3 Of The Bitchy Bracket
So you, the public, have pared down the Bitchy Bracket to a lean and mean 16. And like real NCAA brackets, this is where the big boys start clobbering at each with giant-sized Hulk fists....
Why The “Cinderella” Label Should Be Killed Forever
I took my kids to an open gym at some gymnastics joint this weekend, the kind of place where you pay $8 for them to bounce around on trampolines and shit. Anyway, I noticed there was a fully grown adult couple playing around on the equipment as well. Turned out you could join this gym as a grownup ...
![Here's A Guy With Three Testicles [NSFW]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/fz3lkaoo0hemuaxxufwo.jpg)
Here's A Guy With Three Testicles [NSFW]
For the second time in three months, Reddit brings you an account of a guy blessed with a little more than the rest of us. Here's a guy with three balls. 2014 has been weird so far. ...
Who Will Be The Bitchy Cinderella? Round 2 Of The Bitchy Bracket Begins
So the first round of the Bitchy Bracket is done, and we're ready to move on to the second round of voting. Before starting in on voting, though, let's take a brief look at the first-round results, which saw all sorts of touchy fanboys knocked off, including some that, honestly, deserved less respec...
I Sang Two National Anthems At An NBA Game And Did Not Start A War
Canada ruins everything. At least, it does when it comes to event planning your standard regular-season NBA game. As you probably know, any game that features an American team playing a Canadian team must include the singing of both "The Star-Spangled Banner" and "O Canada." If you look up into th...