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Do Not Root For The Goddamn Patriots
Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here....

Who Would Win If A Hippo Fought A Rhino? A Question For The Ages.
This morning, in the Deadspin staff chatroom, we found ourselves debating whether a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros would win in a head-to-head battle. Since the question wasn't settled there [even after, like, six hours—ed], Albert Burneko and Greg Howard have decided to air the question in a public ...

Lynch To Media: "If Y'all Ain't Mad At Me, Then What Y'all Here For?"
Marshawn Lynch had to make his final Super Bowl week media appearance today, and unlike his previous two press conferences, he came with a direct message for writers and reporters....

NFLPA Response: With These Benevolent Owners, Who Needs A Union?
After our editorial urging NFL players to form a union ran yesterday, we received the below reply from NFLPA Assistant Executive Director of External Affairs George Atallah....

Watch Marshawn Lynch Frustrate Adult Reporters By Not Talking
Marshawn Lynch had to sit through another five-minute session with the media today. As expected, he didn't have anything to say—"You know why I'm here" was his go-to answer for the day—and oh man did that get under the skin of the grown men who, for some reason, continue to ask him questions....

It Is Time To Crown The Ultimate Super Bowl Snack. VOTE VOTE VOTE!
It comes down to this, a battle of the triangular, compressed corn chip: The final matchup in our Ultimate Super Bowl Snack Playoffs pits two number 1 seeds, Nacho Cheese Doritos and Tortilla Chips, against one another....

NFL Players Should Unionize
The National Football League had its way with Marshawn Lynch this week, reportedly threatening to fine the Seattle Seahawks running back $500,000 if he didn't speak to reporters. This is just one more in a series of incidents in which the league has threatened players with disproportionate penalties...

Dumbass Mad At Marshawn Lynch For Giving Him Column Fodder
Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch gave the same answer to every question he received at Super Bowl Media Day, and Philadelphia Daily News columnist Marcus Hayes got upset about it—so upset, in fact, that he used Lynch's anti-media performance as a topic for his latest column. ...

Mayweather And Pacquiao Meet For The First Time
It seems incredible that for all their ducking and dodging and posturing and close calls, Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao had never met face-to-face before last night. But with both sitting courtside at the Miami Heat game—directly opposite each other, as it worked out—the two wandered over at h...

What Are Bill Belichick's Other Horcruxes?
Seeing as how Lord Belichick inadvertently revealed the nature of one of his Horcruxes today, we thought now would be a good time to try and figure out what items house the other six pieces of his sundered soul. These are our guesses, and please feel free to share your own in the comments....

Watch Marshawn Lynch Give The Same Answer 25 Times At Media Day
Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch made an appearance at Super Bowl Media Day today so as to avoid getting fined. In the video above, you can see him respond to 25 straight questions with the same answer, "I'm here so I won't get fined."...

One-Seventh Of Bill Belichick's Soul Likely Hidden In Monkey Puppet
During his Media Day session, Bill Belichick received a question that was actually valuable from Patriots linebacker Jerod Mayo's daughter. She asked him what his favorite stuffed animal was, and Belichick hit her with this:...

Rob Gronkowski Reads Gronk Erotica Out Loud At Super Bowl Media Day
Thanks to the half-serious circus that is Super Bowl Media Day, someone persuaded extremely tall fifth-grader Rob Gronkowski into reading a line from A Gronking To Remember, the Gronk-themed erotica that surfaced on Amazon earlier this month....

Boxer Jermain Taylor Ordered To Undergo Mental Evaluation
Middleweight boxer Jermain Taylor, the current IBF middleweight champion, has been ordered to undergo an evaluation at a state mental hospital by an Arkansas judge, according to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. This order comes on the heels of two sets of criminal charges being brought against Taylor,...

The Patriots' Hotel's Fire Alarm Went Off Last Night
The Patriots' first night in Arizona was not a restful one; after getting in and doing their press conferences (including a particularly impassioned one from Bob Kraft), the team turned in—only to be woken up by a blaring fire alarm at around 1:30 local time....

Brandon Browner Says Injured Seahawks Are Targets
Patriots corner Brandon Browner—who spent the previous three seasons with the Seahawks—was not shy about his belief that New England needs to target his banged-up former teammates. Speaking to ESPN, Browner specifically referenced Richard Sherman's sprained elbow and Earl Thomas's separated shoulder...

Robert Kraft Doubles Down On Patriots' Innocence, Asks NFL For Apology
Patriots owner Robert Kraft crashed a press conference scheduled for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in Arizona tonight, telling the assembled media "I want to make it clear that I believe unconditionally that the New England Patriots have done nothing wrong" in response to accusations that they deflat...

Brent Grimes's Wife To NFL: "Havent U Guys Shit On Him Enough?"
Dolphins cornerback Brent Grimes just went to the Pro Bowl for the second straight season and made its biggest highlight (if such a thing exists) with this pretty interception. What should've been a good weekend for Brent and his wife Miko was not, as Miko explained in a long Twitter rant this e...

Did TV's Go-To Ball Boy Expert On Ballghazi Inflate His Credentials?
Eric Kester may be the only guy who's come out ahead from Ballghazi so far....

Arizona Man Loses Super Bowl Gig After Posting Credential On Facebook
Former DJ Russ Knight was picked to work Super Bowl XLIX in Phoenix as an assistant frequency coordinator. He was so excited that he Facebooked a photo of himself pointing at the credential around his neck. That picture cost Knight his job before he could even start it....